There were two Irish brothers, Liam and Shamus. These brothers were quite the hell raisers and were well reputed around town. Shamus died and Liam went about finding a priest who would eulogize Shamus. Liam, not being on a first name basis with any pastors, finally found a priest who was willing to do it for the right amount of money. After paying the priest, Liam said there was one condition, ......."you must refer to Shamus as a saint". The priest, knowing the reputation of Liam and Shamus, was hesitant but said he had a few days to prepare so he would come up with something.
At the funeral, the priest detailed the numerous misgivings of Shamus, concluding that Shamus was an insufferable human being, but compared to his brother, he was a saint!
A man gets an emergency phone call at work one day and is advised his wife has been in a bad car accident. He rushes to the hospital despite the 1 hour drive and bursts into the ER where he meets a doctor. "Is my wife alright!" he asks. The doctor explains that his wife sustained terrible injuries and that she is going to be paralyzed from the neck down.
The doctor explains that he will have to feed his wife, and bathe her, put her into bed every night and back into her wheelchair every morning; he will have to clean her up due to her incontinence multiple times per day. The man is in utter shock and can barely comprehend what the doctor is saying to him but as it finally dawns on him he breaks down and sobs,
"doctor! I fear I am simply not a big enough man to handle all of this!"
The doctor slaps him on the back and says "I'm just fuckin with ya, she's dead"