I'm A Parent Contest

MNBrian

Well-Known Member
#1
When you tell people you're having a baby, you hear some pretty horrifying stories. People say stuff like:

"My baby had horrible colic, so I didn't sleep for 96 days straight. And then I was hospitalized."

or

"My baby pooped all over my face every time I changed his diaper. It was like a rocket firing. He'd kick the new diaper off the changing table, and I'd bend over every time, and he'd just fire right into my eyes."

The stories all sounded awful. People talk about how they almost died, or how their child almost died, or how they lost all semblance of free time, or dignity, or how their life was covered in literal feces. And yet, every story ends the same way... "But you'll love it."

As a soon to be parent, I remember wondering why people were torturing me with these stories. I mean, what in the world about this will I love?! Is this some kind of global hazing, like joining a special fraternity?

But after I had my kid, I realized that these moments that were being shared, they were the beautiful moments. Sure they were terrible at the time, but my goodness they stuck, and the stories these parents were sharing were really stories about how they fell in love with their kids despite the almost dying or the poop covered faces. And now, a month in, I get it.

So in honor of the horribly beautiful things that parents go through, I'm going to send an all Cuban Cigar fiver to whoever can tell me a horrible or beautiful story about their children.

Contest opens: Today
Contest closes: Monday June 4th around Noon CST
Contest open to: CP parents who have been here for at least 6 months.

So let's hear it! Tell me about the time when...
 
#2
So many to choose from, but I'll go with this one.

We had our first daughter when we were very young and unprepared, so if course she was the most challenging baby of the three. The only way we could get her to stop crying unless one of us was holding her, was to put her in her car seat and either drive, or put her in front of select Baby Einstein movies (the best were the VHS ones). The day I discovered she loved watching football too, and I could have a break from the constant Bach and Beethoven was one of the greatest days ever!

Not sure if there is anything to the brain development benefits they claim with those videos, but my daughter is going into her freshman year of high school next year and has been a straight A student her entire life and is extremely intelligent, so maybe there's something to it?
 

Devil Doc

When Death smiles, Corpsmen smile back
#3
Well, It's not about my kids; it's about me. My mother had this Italian friend, whose name was of course, Maria. She was short, had huge breasts and couldn't have children of her own. So she got to baby sit. Actually she was the only woman my mother trusted to watch me. Anyway, I was in diapers and I needed to be changed. Too make a long story short, As she was changing me, I peed in a great arc into her prodigious cleavage. She thought this was extremely funny and told this story 'till the day she died, always laughing and giggling. I'll never forget that woman.

Doc
 
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#4
Well, this happen all in one week over the Christmas break. I was home by myself, wife had to work. My son was 3 at the time. First night my wife and I wake up to a crying boy butt naked in my room. I get out of bed to see what the problem is. He is covered in lotion from head to toe. I clean him off and go to his room to put him back to bed. I walk in and turn on the lights and fine a massive bottle of baby lotion (with a pump sprayer head) empty. He had shot the lotion all over the bedroom until it was gone:eek:.

Day 2: We went and bought fat head stickers to decorate his room. Later that afternoon he decided he didn' like them and ripped all of them off the falls and made a nice size ball. I also found a Wii remote control in the toliet:mad:

Day 3: I wake up to the toliets stoped up. Don't think anything of it. I just unclogged it. Go use the bathroom in the kitchen and noticed that it wasn't flushing the way it should.

Day 4: Wake in the morning go to bathroom, boom clogged again. Other bathroom clogged again. I can' plunge them free. Decide to call a plumber. He comes out, 2 hrs later calls me into the bathroom to show me 2 pairs of my sons under wear:mad::mad:.

Day 5:Had a great day.:cool:

Day 6: More toilet problems. Same plumber comes back out. Can' t figure out why the are still clogged. He decides to run a camera throughout the house pipes. Couple hrs later he says he see something that looks like a clogg. Then he says we need to do a pressure test. Well, the test failed. Long story over the next few days. He though it was a crepe Myrtle that broken the cast iron pipe. Anyway, 4 jack hammered holes later he found the break. Calls me over to show me what he found:mad::mad::mad: . I look down and their is a bunch of my sons toys:mad::mad:. I call my son over to look and he says to me. "thank you for finding my toys":mad::mad:

I think with the 4 holes in my home, plumber fees, new hardwood floors I spent 20k.. Merry Christmas.

Kids are awesome, but man they are expensive.



Edit: I can't spell.
 

MNBrian

Well-Known Member
#5
Well, this happen all in one week over the Christmas break. I was home by myself, wife had to work. My son was 3 at the time. First night my wife and I wake up to a crying boy butt naked in my room. I get out of bed to see what the problem is. He is covered in lotion from head to toe. I clean him off and go to his room to put him back to bed. I walk in and turn on the lights and fine a massive bottle of baby lotion (with a pump sprayer head) empty. He had shot the lotion all over the bedroom until it was gone:eek:.

Day 2: We went and bought fat head stickers to decorate his room. Later that afternoon he decided he didn' like them and ripped all of them off the falls and made a nice size ball. I also found a Wii remote control in the toliet:mad:

Day 3: I wake up to the toliets stoped up. Don't think anything of it. I just unclogged it. Go use the bathroom in the kitchen and noticed that it wasn't flushing the way it should.

Day 4: Wake in the morning go to bathroom, boom clogged again. Other bathroom clogged again. I can' plunge them free. Decide to call a plumber. He comes out, 2 hrs later calls me into the bathroom to show me 2 pairs of my sons under wear:mad::mad:.

Day 5:Had a great day.:cool:

Day 6: More toilet problems. Same plumber comes back out. Can' t figure out why the are still clogged. He decides to run a camera throughout the house pipes. Couple hrs later he says he see something that looks like a clogg. Then he says we need to do a pressure test. Well, the test failed. Long story over the next few days. He though it was a crepe Myrtle that broken the cast iron pipe. Anyway, 4 jack hammered holes later he found the break. Calls me over to show me what he found:mad::mad::mad: . I look down and their is a bunch of my sons toys:mad::mad:. I call my son over to look and he says to me. "thank you for finding my toys":mad::mad:

I think with the 4 holes in my home, plumber fees, new hardwood floors I spent 20k.. Merry Christmas.

Kids are awesome, but man they are expensive.



Edit: I can't spell.
Hahaha holy cow what an adventure!

Edited to add: Great stories all, keep them coming! I love it!
 

jbfurdog

Well-Known Member
#7
I have two.

When my oldest daughter was little she loved to play the game Pretty Pretty Princess. The object is to collect all of the princess jewelry and to wear them. The one to collect them all is the pretty princess. I was a fairly competitive person in my youth so I didn’t intentionally lose to my daughter. I won a few times and would dance around singing “I’m the pretty princess”. The times she won were the best because she would do the same except when a 4 year old is dancing and saying “Na na na na I’m the princess and you're nooottt ha ha ha ha ha” with her hands on her hips and hips swaying around. It is quite a funny sight.

The second is about my son

He was all dressed up to go to a fancy family get together. He was clean and had his hair combed all nice. As you know, to get and keep a young boy of 2 looking nice for long is nearly impossible. There was a very large mud puddle in the driveway at my parents house. We specifically told him “do not go near that mud puddle”. After about 5 minutes we holler for him to come and he comes running. Mud all over his face and body. I couldn’t help but ask “we’re you playing in that mud puddle?” His response. “Nooooooo I wasn’t”

Moral here is your kids definitely learn from watching you and they are little fibbers from an early age.

Gotta love em though.
 

oke&coke

Shut up baby I know it!
#8
The best part of kids is the effect they have on the adults. The day after my oldest was born, my parents came to visit the hospital. I watched my dad go from Senior Chief Hardass to Mr. Softee in 30 seconds flat. A week later my wife gets out of the hospital after needing surgery. I had to go back to work so my mom spent a few nights to watch my wife and help with the baby. I get a text from my wife during the midnight shift that the baby was asleep on my moms lap and just started to laugh hysterically. My mom was on cloud nine.

And that week my wife was in the hospital, I had the kid by myself. Needless to say that was the hardest week of my life.
 

CigSid

Love this place...
#9
When the kids were young, we lived in Texas, and you are always driving down a country road somewhere in Texas. The kids would want to sit on my lap and steer the car, which I obliged. When they got a bit older they wanted to sit by themselves and drive. One time, my 10-year-old daughter was driving by herself as we passed by this cop, I could see him look directly at my daughter as he passed, I turned around to see him pulling a U-turn, and I'm thinking "oh shit!!" As he pulls up behind us with his lights on, I tell my daughter to pull over... I can see she is very nervous.... I turn around to see this guy with a big hat, and even bigger belly get out of his car, and start slowly walking up to our car. The window buttons are on the center panel, so I roll down the window as he walks up… He walks up, bends down and looks directly at my daughter stares at her for a few seconds, then looks directly at me. Then he looks back at my daughter and says in this thick Texas drawl “don’t suppose you have a driver’s license, young lady?” She looks back at me with this terrified look on her face and I look back at the cop and say, “Officer, I uh..…” He immediately puts his hand up to shut me up and stares at her for a few more seconds… then he says… “howd she do?” We both look at each other wondering if we just heard the same thing… Then we both laughed and I said, pretty darn good… He laughed and said “y’all have a nice day now” and left.


She still tells this story, 22 years later like it just happened…
 

thinde

Lobstah; the other white meat!
#10
Like everyone when you have children you have stories. Little children, little problems. When you leave your 16 year old daughter home alone with her same aged cousin for the weekend and you come home to find the entire garage floor has been washed you some shit went down.
 

MNBrian

Well-Known Member
#11
Like everyone when you have children you have stories. Little children, little problems. When you leave your 16 year old daughter home alone with her same aged cousin for the weekend and you come home to find the entire garage floor has been washed you some shit went down.
HA! With an opener like that there HAS to be a story...
 

thinde

Lobstah; the other white meat!
#12
HA! With an opener like that there HAS to be a story...
You could put her in a corner and she’d play quietly all day, she really never got caught doing anything seriously wrong. My son on the other hand would sit quietly and then you’d find out he was taking apart the nearest outlet. Never did anything too serious but he got caught most of the time.
 

BlindedByScience

Proud Father of a brave U.S. Marine
#13
I had two boys, brothers, and boy would they go at it every now and then. At the time, Robert (the marine) was bigger than his younger brother Thomas, so he'd come out on top, most of the time. Of course I'd never let it go too far, but boys will be boys.

When they were 6-ish, one night we were on the floor of the living room, folding laundry. We had some big bath towels....I told Robert; "...hey, let's roll Tommy up in a towel and tickle him..!!.." which we did...much to the delight of Robert. A few minutes later I looked at Tommy and said, "....hey Tommy, let's roll Robert up in a towel..!!.." which we did. I asked Tommy; "...what should we do to Robert now..?.." and without missing a beat he said "...let's poke his eyes..!!...".

I laughed out loud for an hour.....and, no, we didn't poke his eyes.....:p
 

Undegreed

You're unique...just like everyone else
#18
Great contest and great stories.

I grew up with four brothers and then raised four daughters. The stories are nearly endless. At the end of the day my daughters were awesome and I never regret not having a son. That said, I have 8 grand children with number 9 due in the next couple weeks, so my story is a story about my grandson.
My 3rd daughter lives in SC and I see her family about twice a year. She brought her son up for a visit and while he was here we got to build stuff in the garage, dig in the dirt and do man stuff. His father is an awesome guy (Air Force pilot), very smart but never learned how to do anything with his hands. So my grandson loves to hang out with me in the shop. One day he asked where I was and his mom said, "Papa's out in the Mancave."
"What's a Mancave?" He replied
My daughter escorted him to my cave and showed him in. We sat out there and watch kid cartoons and talked. He asked me why I called it a Mancave. So I told him the truth, only people with a penis are allowed to come in the mancave. Upon hearing this my grandson jumps off of his recliner and heads straight for the house (I'm following close behind, knowing I wouldn't want to miss what was about to happen). He runs into the living room with all the sisters, looks his mom in the eye and says, "Know what mom? You can't go into the Mancave because you have a bagina {sic}!
 

Tall Paul

"insecure little bitch"
#20
Thank you for the contest and congratulations to you and the misses again.

About a year ago my daughter Aria was only 6 months old. So she is just a helpless little ball of skin and bones but so damn cute. Well we hadn't been able to go out to dinner much cause the misses was still recovering from a very major life threatening surgery it was hard for her to do anything.

We finally make plans to go out with my brother in law and his wife and there new baby as well. He is a month older than Aria. We we go out to an Italian restaurant in North Andover and the four of us are just sitting down to appetizers and suddenly a smell rises up from the two infants in car seats next to the table. I think to myself please God let that be my nephew.... I pick up Aria and her entire outfit is soaked and one of the legs is filled with liquid poop. So I grab the diper bag and head to the men's room as fast as possible before things start to drip. As I am walking away from the table I hear my brother in law say I'll give him a hand... What the hell is he thinking. As I make my way to the bathroom with the little one I can see the look of terror on each person's face as I pass by their table with this poop covered monster. Then as I make it to the bathroom door I can hear a little boy at the last table I passed shout out "that guy smelled like poop"...

We enter the bathroom and by brother in law comes in right behind me. The changing station is in the handicap stall. So we go in and lock the door behind us. So here we are two grown men in a stall about to clean up this little baby girl. Side note my brother in law has never changed a girl diper before so this should be fun. I don't need to paint the picture of how bad the poop was or the smell because we have all been there.the outfit got tossed. The best part of this story is the fact that she didn't make a sound the entire time we were in that stall. Lots of men and kids came in and out of that bathroom to see two sets of legs standing in the handicap stall say things like "it's everything" "o my God the smell is so bad" and the icing on the cake was when I needed to remove poop from her female parts my brother in law says "I can't even watch you do that" and looked away... Lol

So all cleaned up and the outfit in the trash we swing open the door like we just saved the world to find a gentleman and a restaurant employee standing there. They looked at us and to thier surprise we were holding a baby and we all started to laugh so damn hard. I can only imagine the complaints or how it looked and sounded from the other side of the door... Good times!

Great stories everyone I have enjoyed them all so far!

Paul
This is the two of them now at 1-1/2...

IMG_20180602_110355.jpg
 
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