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Morning Chuckle

Honeymoon Tiger!

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession
to make, I'm not a v!rgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you
doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what par is for this damn hole.'
 
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"



A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
??? ??? ???
 
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'
 
Little Billy: "Pop, was Abraham Lincon a great man?"

Pop: "Indeed he was. And mind you, when Lincoln was your age, he was out splitting rails."

Little Billy: "Yes, I know. And when he was your age, he was President of the United States."
 
gtadroptop said:
Little Billy: "Pop, was Abraham Lincon a great man?"

Pop: "Indeed he was. And mind you, when Lincoln was your age, he was out splitting rails."

Little Billy: "Yes, I know. And when he was your age, he was President of the United States."
Click to expand...
Made me laugh! :laugh:
 
sack said:
gtadroptop said:
Little Billy: "Pop, was Abraham Lincon a great man?"

Pop: "Indeed he was. And mind you, when Lincoln was your age, he was out splitting rails."

Little Billy: "Yes, I know. And when he was your age, he was President of the United States."
Click to expand...
Made me laugh! :laugh:
Click to expand...

Had to do it. Today is his birthday. Glad it put a smile on your face. :thumbs:
 
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you In here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'
 
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire somewhere in Erie, Pennsylvania."
 
Did you hear the one about the butcher who cut off his left side in a meat grinder?

He's all right now.

:rolleyes:
 
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies. "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond frowns, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
 
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
 
Two guys who haven't seen each other in a long time meet at a bar.
First guy says "Long time no see, how you been?"
The second guy says "I'vebeenalrighthowaboutyou?"
Second guys says "Great, thanks! You don't stutter anymore, what did you do?"
"IwenttoseeadoctorwhenIalmostgotmarried."
"Why didn't you get married?"
"WeweresittingontheporchwhenthefamilydogstartedtolickhisballsandItoldherwhen
wegetmarriedIwantedhertodothattome."
"I don't understand, why did she get angry over that?"
"Becauseittookmesolongtosayitthatbythattimethedogwaslickinghisass."
 
Four people are in an airplane: the president, the smartest man in the world, an old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only three parachutes.
The president gets one and says, “My country needs me!” and jumps.
The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, “Well, the world needs me, since I'm so smart,” and jumps.
One parachute left and the old man says, “You take it, my life is almost over anyway.”
The little girl says, “No. We both can jump.”
Confused, the man asks, “How?” The little girl says, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”
 
So I end up having to make an appointment to see my doctor, and when I get there he's like...

"Walt...you're gonna to have to stop masturbating so much"

I ask him "What do you mean...?"

"Well...I'm trying to do an examination here"
 
Military Wit and Wisdom

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Aim towards the Enemy" - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds" - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." - Unknown

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot
dies."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh
S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing
anything about it."

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" -Attributed to
Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

And finally:

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
 
Can't find the best one, they're all spot-on. :laugh:
 
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he continued.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, wanting to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
_________________
 
I've read some really stupid jokes in my lifetime, but I have to say this is a great collection of some really funny stuff! Good work gents.
 
The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.

"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.

"One," replied the new guy.

"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"

The salesman answered, "$72,316."

Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.

"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."

The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"

"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing."
 
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