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Morning Chuckle

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in America."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
 
Quest: Whats the difference between the BSA and The USMC?

Ans: Artillery.
 
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE
 
Jewish woman says to her mother,

“I’m divorcing Jeff! All he wants is anal sex, and my a$$hole
is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.”

Her mother says, “Let me get this straight,
You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion
you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance
you take 6 vacations a year
and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?”
 
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon
treaty!'


'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eleven!'


Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command.'


'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some
infantry equipment!'


'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'


Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you..'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple
of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have
joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have
had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy.
'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed
200,000 prisoners.'
 
VOCABULARY WORD FOR THE DAY: LIQUIDITY

Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.
 
Two cannibals are feasting on a clown when one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
Quote of the Day!

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
 
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'
 
gtadroptop said:
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'
Click to expand...
:laugh: I could add to that, but i won't. :laugh:
 
sack said:
gtadroptop said:
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'
Click to expand...
:laugh: I could add to that, but i won't. :laugh:
Click to expand...

Yeah, I guess that joke wasn't all it was quacked up to be. :rolleyes:
 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, butone day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
 
Grandmas don't know everything

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'
 
Mistaken Identity

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
 
Here's a true story that is pretty damn funny I must say.

One of my best friends from high school was working from home the other day and was on a conference call with India. Luckily he had his speaker phone muted, his daughter was playing in the room and she says, "Dad, do you work with King Julian?"
 
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....
'I would have gotten out today.'



Doc.
 
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an 'F' in sex.'
 
A man calls the doctor for his wife’s testresults.

Immediately the doctor tells him “We have a problem, Mr. Johnson!”.

“The same day we had another Mrs. Johnson for some tests and the results got mixed up. But the outcomes are for one bad, and for the other one Very bad! One of the patients has Alzheimer and the other has AIDS!”

“Oh, my God!” Mr. Johnson cried out. “What should I do now?” he asked.

The doctor answers “Take your wife for a 30 mile drive in your car and leave her behind. If she finds her way home, don’t screw her.”
 
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