Proper Bathroom Etiquette

[stogieman]

" HOW TO POOP AT WORK"

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the

WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping

at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking

a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING:


When farting, you walk briskly around the office so

the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets

a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be

careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to

make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY:


This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before

pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If

there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch

you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE:


This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at

the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is

usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not

acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are

standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend

you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or

laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK:



When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do

not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness

of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH:



The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop

hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime

the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help

you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME:



Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door

after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be

a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and

busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable

walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn

proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the



bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.



Always! Look around the office for the Out Of The Closet



Pooper before entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in

the stall and tries to force the door open. This is

one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that

can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs,

remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall is called a

Camo-Cough. It too works for the Turd Burglar.

 

[fenian'98]

I cropdusted at the office all morning today. Too funny.

 

[Zeebra]

There's this guy at work who's a real freak and is constantly grunting when he's in the can taking a dump. It sounds like he's wrestling an animal listening to the vile sounds coming out of his mouth. The other day I was in there and he was grunting away something fierce. I started laughing and had to get the hell out of there before I lost all control with laughter.

 

[Gonz]

One day, many years ago, I entered the bathroom at work and heard someone obviosly struggling with their attempt on the can. It was quite embarrasing this guy who was full on grunting! I looked over and he even had his hands down around his ankles, really going to town to try to get it out. And he was wearing bright white sneakers.

Later that day, one of the guys that worked for me stopped by my office with something, and I couldn't help notice the same white sneakers, and my image of him was forever ruined.

 

[Brickhouse]

Good data

 

[Fatken]

That is funny!

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the urinal, just finishing up. A co-worker walked behind me as a guy in one of the stalls had a very large escapee. My co-work yelled, thanks for sharing, because he thought it was me. I did a quick exit before I laughed out loud.

 

[boonedoggle]

I am in the process of a Jailbreak as I type this!

 

[atuck]

Back when I had a regular job that paid by the hour I used to love to shit at work. Nothing like getting paid to crap. So I guess I used to be an "OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER". :laugh: But as a general rule, I hate shitting in public restrooms. At least the restroom that was at my job was a 1 person room.

 

[Shooter]

The flight attendants talk of crop dusting up and down the aisles all the time...

 

[bfreebern]

The flight attendants talk of crop dusting up and down the aisles all the time...

Thanks for ruining the fantasy :sign:

 

[countikon]

Thats awesome. What I can't stand is when people do just walk in and crap in the stall next to you. dangit.

 

[slevy007]

I crop dust all the time... but I don't do it covertly. I usually have my hands up like I'm flying or operating a plane, with the added sound effect of an old biplane's engine. :laugh:
Think of the beginning to Van Halen's Panama video, for the correct sound effect. :laugh:

Steve

 

[Qualls07]

I really try not to use public restrooms, but sometimes I am stuck on campus all day and have to. When I absolutely do have to, I always find a building I dont use on a regular basis and find the most secluded restroom possible. 5th or 6th floor of the library is usually pretty empty, but not the nicest facilities.

 

[high-n-tight]

In the military we call 'em call LATRINEs, not REST ROOMs....I mean who goes in there to REST anyway? :laugh: :laugh:

In BAGHDAD, they're called PORT-A-POTTIES......so no matter when you go, there's someone else's deposit in there making the thing smell very foul. Mix in the smell of chemicals and you have a very unique and unpleasant experience.

Can't wait to get home in a few weeks and sit on real porcelain....maybe I'll just REST in there for once.

 

[SMSUCigarguy]

In my office everyone comes downstairs to take a dump. The bathroom is right next to my office, and frequently the smell wafts in my general direction. Add to this that the aforementioned office staff spray too much lysol in a futile attempt at disguise. So that smell wafting into my office becomes a new scent...shitty lysol. MMM buddy! Fortunately I have a private bathroom that adjoins my office, so I can piss on the seat and make all the requisite noises with impunity!