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The "Make Me Laugh" Contest

rectifythis

rectifythis

CP; may cause dependency
Joined
Oct 24, 2006
Messages
1,082
***THIS IS DONE.***

Ok everyone, it's time for a contest. Those of you who know me, are aware that I am generally laid back and enjoy humor on various levels. Bottom line, whoever makes me laugh the hardest, or appeals to my craving for witty banter, wins a fiver.

Be creative. Links, pics, videos, bathroom humor, innuendo, stories etc. Anything goes.

I will run this contest at least 1 week, maybe 2, depending on how the entries go and when I have time to close it out. (New babies take up a lot of time!)

RULES:

1. ABSOLUTELY NO NUDITY!!! i.e. must be safe for work. Not only will the wifey kill me, but my work monitors every single page and minute of my net activities. If you have doubts, PM me.

2. Should be a member of at least 30 drama-free days.

3. Like cigar tasting, humor is also subjective; so I am judge, no whining please.

4. Multiple entries are permitted, but edits are not.

5. Take a deep breath, smoke a cigar, and laugh!
 
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
 
A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thinks a little and says, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
 
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar discussing
> what they had done the previous evening.
> The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
> with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her
> scream non stop for five minutes."
> The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
> with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made
> her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
> The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all
> over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with
> the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
> The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
> How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
> Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
>
 
ok I had to much time on my hands this morning this is my last one for today.


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa .. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!



16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"





________________________________
 
A bloke goes into the Job Center in Brisbane and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. Can you give me some more details about this? He asks the man behind the desk.
The job Center assistant sorts through his files and replies - "Oh yes here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Darwin ."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at ?" he asks.

"No, that's the end of the queue"
 
Mrs. Donovan was walking down� O'Connell Street�in� Dublin�when she met up with Father Flaherty.�
� �


The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to � Rome�next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'


They then parted ways.


Some years later they met again.


The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'


She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'


The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to� Rome� to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
 
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
Light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.
 
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT! - Brilliant eh?)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p!ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
 
Alaskan Retirement

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5pm."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you. .....be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be >> some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter.. Just gonna be the two of us."
 
I guess I like the more simple jokes:

Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Lorena Bobbit?

A: A cigar cutter that takes too much head off. :rolleyes:
 
Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

C&G... one of my all-time favs.
 
Golf Language

A man goes to confession, sits down and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What was your sin, my son?" the priest asked.

"Obscene language," the man replied.

"That's a terrible sin," the priest replied. "Do you swear often?"
"No," answered the man, "but do you know the local golf course?"

"Indeed I do," said the priest

"I play there often. When I was on the tee at the fourth hole, the long par three, I hit one of the best drives of my life. It must have gone 220 yards on the fly, straight down the middle, took one bounce, and then hit a sprinkler head and bounced off into the bush."

"I'm not surprised that you swore," said the priest, "If that had happened to me..."

"No, I didn't swear then. The shot I had hit was a great one and the bounce was just the luck of the game. When I checked the position of my ball, I realized that I still had a chance of making par. The ball was on a hardpan lie, and there was a small gap through the trees for me to have a shot at the green. I really should have taken the safe option and just played out sideways to the fairway, but I had hit such a great drive that my confidence was high."

The man continued, "I was still about 200 yards from the green, so I took a five wood from the bag, positioned the ball back in my stance to keep it low and hopefully get under the trees, told myself to forget about all the hazards and just imagine the ball on the green, and played the shot. Even using the wood, I nipped the ball perfectly off the hard lie, the ball kept low as I planned, and flew straight as a die toward the green, took one bounce onto the green, hit the flagstick and bounced off sideways into that deep pot bunker to the right of the green."

"My son, my son," said the priest; "I'm ready to forgive you already. That would have made a saint swear."

"No father," said the man, "I didn't swear then. I realized that I had just played two perfect shots and only bad luck had stopped me from getting the result I deserved. When I saw my ball, I thought that all my hopes of making par had disappeared. It was lying right against the face of a five-foot deep bunker with very little green to work with, and I really should have gone out sideways, but after the two good shots, I was feeling confident. I took my sand iron out, opened the clubface fully, aimed the ball about six feet left of the pin and played the shot. The ball popped almost straight up in the air, landed on the green, and the spin on the ball dragged it back to four inches from the pin."

"F#?!ing hell!" said the priest, "don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!"

C&G... I bring out the worst in people.
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That has got to be the the ugliest damned baby I've ever seen!" The woman, visibly upset, marches to the back of the bus and sits down. She exclaims to the man next to her, "That asshole driver just insulted me to my face!" The man says: "Well that's not right! Run up there and tell him where to shove it. You go right ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
Why doe they call is PMS? Mad cow was taken.

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap get bust in mouth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Never raise hands to angry woman - it leave groin exposed.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Virgin like balloon - one prick, all gone.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who wear G-string high on crack.
Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Girl who ride bike peddles ass all over town.
He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man.

That's it for me. :D
 
T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.

B! londe goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday
Tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says,
'I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'
 
Not a member for 30 days but I hope you enjoy this story.



The Purina Diet … a true story

I came home from goose hunting this past Saturday and my wife told me our Basset Hounds needed food and asked me if I would go to Wal-Mart to pick up some.

So, my daughters and I take the ride, pick out the food and get in line to pay for it.

There’s a woman in line behind me. She asks, “Do you have a dog?”

I said, “No, I’m starting the Purina Diet again. Though I probably shouldn’t since the last time I did it, even though I lost 30 lbs, I ended up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.”

She looks at me obviously not understanding what I mean. So I explain:

“Yeah, it’s a really great diet. The way it works is you load you pockets with kibble and every time you feel hungry you pop a few of these in your mouth.” I point to the bag and say “since its ‘nutritionally complete’ but low calorie, you end up losing weight.”

I should add that by this point there are several people in the line listening to our conversation.

So she asks, “But how did you end up in the hospital? Were you poisoned?”

I said, “No, I was sitting in the street licking my ass when I was run over by a car.”

I thought the guy in line behind her was going to need CPR he was laughing so hard.

I finished paying for my stuff and I was leaving she was just standing there looking at me.

I kid you not!
 
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