• Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

You Learn Something New Every Year Pass aka...This space reserved...

4 mischievous old grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then, an old grandpa walked in.

One of the old grandmas yelled out, saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old grandmas said,

"Sure we can! Just drop your pants & undershorts & we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little,

but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.

The grandmas asked him to first turn around

a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.

Then they all piped up & said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants and skivvies down around his ankles,

the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear,

all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
 
A guy wearing just saran wrap pants walks into the psychiatrist office for his appointment. The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"!!

Did I win???
 
My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.



I went yesterday.



OMG, She's so beautiful and unbelievably sexy!



She told me that I have to stop masturbating.



I asked her why?



She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you...!!'

<as seen on CF today>
 
grateful1 said:
My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.



I went yesterday.



OMG, She's so beautiful and unbelievably sexy!



She told me that I have to stop masturbating.



I asked her why?



She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you...!!'

<as seen on CF today>
Click to expand...

Sack posted the same joke earlier today in the Morning Chuckle thread. Great minds... :laugh:
 
tractp1.jpg

Runs good. Missing steering wheel and seat. Ideal for the person who has lost his ass and don't know which way to turn.
 
two lawyers are sitting on park bench, when an absolutely stunningly beautiful woman jogs past them. One lawyer looks at the other and asks... " My God she is beautiful. Wouldn't you just like to fuck her?"

The other lawyer looks at him for a second, when a confused look clouds his face.


"Out of what?"
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."
 
Two Navy chiefs were in New Orleans, their first liberty after having been at sea for weeks. As they walked the rue towards the bar for a well deserved beer, they spy a couple of "ladies" beckoning them from their second story window. "Hey sailor, I got something for you!" The chiefs look at each other and smile, but continue walking towards the bar.

The ladies remove their tops revealing near perfect breasts. "Hey sailor, come here. I got something for you!" The chiefs smile again, but they were really thirsty. Beer first.

The ladies continue the taunt, removing the rest of their clothes revealing almost perfect bodies. Again, they call out, "Hey sailor, come on! I got something you ain't never had before!"

Both chiefs stopped immediately and looked at each other. "Damn" Doc said. "What's she got? Leprosy?"
 
I forget things. I forget things all the time. Things like my wife's birthday, our anniversary and all important occasionns. I t got so bad that i figured out a system, i arranged for the local florist to send flowers on every important event in our life, bithdays, anniversaries, date of our marriage, even the date of when we met. Of course as all good plans, i messed up it up, came home and saw the flowers on the kitchen table and said 'nice flowers honey, where'd you get them?'
 
Boudreaux was sitting in his local cigar b&m, one Saturday night, and had several beers under his belt. After a while, he looked at the guy sitting next to him, and asked him, "Hey, you wanna hear a good Aggie joke, you?"

The big guy replied, "Let me tell you something. I'm an oil field roughneck, I weigh 270 pounds, and I don't like Cajuns. My buddy here is a pro football player, weighs 300 pounds, and he doesn't like Cajuns either. His friend on his other side is a professional wrestler, weighs 320 pounds, always has a chip on his shoulder, and he likes Cajuns even less than we do, and we are all Aggies. Do you really want to tell us an Aggie joke ?"

Boudreaux, all 150 pounds of Cajun attitude, told him, "Mais, I guess not. After all I don't want have to explain it three times !
 
insight said:
Contest Time!

Brian #1 has generously offered to supply a fiver as a prize pack for the first (official) contest of the pass!

This contest is easy and one I don't think we have done for a while. Tell us a joke! Open to all, lets start this off right.

A secret panel of impartial judges will determine the winner and I will tiebreak if they can't come to a unanimous decision. The contest starts right now and will run for 7 days 7 hours and 7 minutes. May the beedogs be with you.

edit: More than one entry is fine.
Click to expand...


Did you head dairy Queen found out she was pregnant?
Yeah Burger King forgot to wrap his Wopper!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~`
 
Preacher joke ...

I was at home the other day and I stumbled across a shoe box under my wife's nightstand. Inside were 3 eggs and 27 dollars.

When she got home I asked her, "Honey, what's up with this shoe box?"

She said, "Dave, I'm sorry to tell you but every time you give a bad sermon I put an egg in the box."

"Well, that's not so bad.: I said, "All these years and only 3 eggs."

She said, "Well, the truth is every time I get a dozen ...




I sell them."







Another preacher joke...

One day I was sitting with some other clergy persons, a minister, a priest, and a rabbi. I asked them, "What would you like people to say as you are lying in your coffin?"

The minister said, "I'd like people to say that I was a thoughtful person, and a compassionate pastor."

The priest said, "I'd like them to remember me as a faith servant of the church."

And the rabbi said, "I'd like them to look over at my coffin and say....







"LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!"
 
Contest #1 is done! The judges will be reviewing the entries this weekend. I have updated some of the pass list, the rest should be up after the weekend as well. Anyone interested in throwing their name in the hat please let me know by Tuesday, as I want to get everything geared up to go.
 
insight said:
Contest #1 is done! The judges will be reviewing the entries this weekend. I have updated some of the pass list, the rest should be up after the weekend as well. Anyone interested in throwing their name in the hat please let me know by Tuesday, as I want to get everything geared up to go.
Click to expand...


Dude...the smokes are in alpahbetical order...you're soooo not right!

:thumbs:
 
Yeah no doubt. After doing these and having the board crash on me a few times I learned to do all the work in excel first.
 
I want to see you arrange them in alphabetical order by height.

Back in college, we would yell at the pledges to all line up alphabetically by height. Just a riot to see the results!
 
Just got the OK from Dion to put one of his new Cruzado line in the pass before the release. They look... really really good.
 
The judges votes are in! The winner of the contest is mmburtch with this joke. Congrats, I didn't even have to break a tie this time!

And by determination of the kid the open spot goes to Kingantz! The lineup is now complete and the first post is updated with the list of sticks. The order will follow shortly.
 
insight said:
The judges votes are in! The winner of the contest is mmburtch with this joke. Congrats, I didn't even have to break a tie this time!

And by determination of the kid the open spot goes to Kingantz! The lineup is now complete and the first post is updated with the list of sticks. The order will follow shortly.
Click to expand...
Congrats!

I've arranged for your premium fiver, as promised, to be shipped, hopefully you will have it by this weekend.

Enjoy!

Brian
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top