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Cigar girls...

The Pet Shoppe

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.

He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.

C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

A: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

A: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

O: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

O: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

O: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
 
Sometimes, more often than not, to bring some sanity back to life, you just gotta have some JC:

johnny%20cash%20finger.jpg


johnny%20cash%20135.jpg


johnny50s.jpg
 
idahogn said:
here's what i got out of this thread so far.....
[snapback]276825[/snapback]​


I got a pulled groin, severe chafing and have to go to the store again tonight for a new tube o' lube......
 
ricmac25 said:
From wikipedia:

Attention whore is an insulting term used in reference to a person who is trying to draw attention to themselves or who finds attention from others gratifying. The insult turns on the idea that the person to whom it is directed is comparable in their actions to a prostitute: a prostitute gives himself or herself sexually to anyone willing to pay, and in the same way an attention whore makes a fool of himself or herself for anyone willing to pay attention.


No one is calling anyone a "whore" in the traditional sense. It's a word used on the internet which means what it says above. Now if you have an issue with someone who thinks that you are a person who is "trying to draw attention to themselves or who finds attention from others gratifying", then fine, argue about that.

But please leave the prostitute references out of this. Everyone on this board and every other board knows damn well that this reference was not meant to label you a prostitute.
[snapback]276492[/snapback]​


So it is ok because it was used to not call me a prostitute?
But still used in a derogatory fashion to label a behavior?

The references were to show an unaltered definition of a term, which in any way you carve it, it would still be DEROGATORY.
notice that the term is used. My bone to pick is that there is no need to insult anyone here with offensive labels.
See the nut in this isn't the reference to being a whore, but to being called anything in a derogatory fashion, and with that we open up intent!

Was it his intent to call me an attention whore because he was trying to be funny.... or was it that he was geniunely being rude and offensive!

interesting-


No, wait.... Still unaccpetable. Again it is a shame that excuses are being made for name calling- We are grown, aren't we past the pigtail pulling, bra-snapping, and he -said, she- did stuff. I am sorry if I offended anyone with askin a question.......
 
coventrycat86 said:
AVB called Emo a "post whore" ya gonna bitch about that now?
[snapback]276851[/snapback]​


That is Emo's fight- not mine

This is my take:
I asked that something as simple as not being referd to in a specific fashion with a definitive term, from some on the board, I have gotten the impression that it not only will it continue, but I am wrong for being offended.

If someone asked me not to call him Dave, but David I would respect that.


That is all I am asking for here.
 
Cheekie said:
coventrycat86 said:
AVB called Emo a "post whore" ya gonna bitch about that now?
[snapback]276851[/snapback]​


That is Emo's fight- not mine

This is my take:
I asked that something as simple as not being referd to in a specific fashion with a definitive term, from some on the board, I have gotten the impression that it not only will it continue, but I am wrong for being offended.

If someone asked me not to call him Dave, but David I would respect that.


That is all I am asking for here.
[snapback]276855[/snapback]​

Will it continue? Probably not. At least it should not continue.

Were you wrong for being offended? IMO, yes.
 
How about we say you're a "look at me"....nothing offensive about that and it's accurate.
 
Look at me?
Haha! sure please do check my profile for those of you who liked the skirt you'll love the bathing suit :)

I doubt I will post another pic on the board considering the fashion police now carry rulers and expect hems at knee...

I asked a question, some people took the time to answer it. Others took the time to critique it. Oh well-


Lee- if I were such a lookie at me wouldn't I have started a shiat storm at the forum you invited me too?? Just a rhetorical-


hmmm....
 
I liked the skirt. Not a big fan of the bathing suit... :blush:
 
That was an experiment to see if my premonition was corect. It was by the way...
 
I sure hope derogatory language isn't banned here. I would so miss Sam C.

Edited to add ( wouldn't want to be accused of post padding by making a new post right after my other one):

To me this is an excellent example why a self-moderated board is perfect. Views are expressed and interchanged in a lively and honest way, understanding grows, and Matt relieves his "stress".
 
stevehawk said:
I liked the skirt. Not a big fan of the bathing suit... :blush:
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That picture is making fun of fat people... And I'm highly offended :angry:

Cheekie - is that a picture of you??? I don't believe so!!! Why would you do something like that? You obviously have no care or concern for the weight challenged people on this board, and I don't think it's appropriate at all for you to make fun of them...
 
Called you one too, just on a different day. :p

Trying to stir it up eh Cat?

coventrycat86 said:
AVB called Emo a "post whore" ya gonna bitch about that now?
[snapback]276851[/snapback]​
 
Cheekie said:
I doubt I will post another pic on the board considering the fashion police now carry rulers and expect hems at knee...
[snapback]276868[/snapback]​


Not really a leg man, so I'd be carrying a ruler to see how much boob is exposed over how much knee...but to each his own. Oh and I love the new profile picture:
IHI4-vi.jpg
 
What gets me is someone took offense to something, stood up and said so, was was basically told to shut up and take it like a man. So perhaps the self policing didn't work at all this time. Something to chew on.
I love the teddy bear and the sheep Matt.
 
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