I have been asked to give up cigars

[Gator]

What changes is she making to improve the relationship? Seems to me two cigars a week would be way down on the list of "Things WE need to do to improve OUR marriage.

Doc.

Well, she said no to all the sexual requests (the thing with 3 midgets really bothered her), but in all seriousness, she's working on her issues to make OUR marriage a better one. Me smoking a cigar or two a week isn't a big issue with her, more the counselors idea, but they both can get over it.

 

[hudsonvalley]

I am trying to figure out what to do with three midgets. Two seems plenty. Remember: moderation is the key.

 

[Brickhouse]

I totally disagree with the statement of becoming a "shell of a man". One must make a decision on what they love most and go from there. If cigars (or fishing, hunting, drinking, cards, cars, or whatever) are more important than your marriage than save the counseling money for the divorce. I'll state again that its most likely not about the cigars at all but, if it is, and you're not willing to walk away from them, then you have your answer. Pretty simple actually.

Here's what I'm getting at. I you were fishing, hunting, drinking, card playing, and smoking cigars when you met, when you got married, and to this day....why then all of a sudden is it THE issue that has to be fixed. Whether you admit it or not, there are things that a man has that are true to themselves that make them who they are....if you take all of those away, what's left? Certainly not the man she married. IMO

 

[jfields]

I am trying to figure out what to do with three midgets. Two seems plenty. Remember: moderation is the key.

Frank has a thing for midgets here lately. I think he wants to do the midget train thing with his wife as the engine and him as the caboose.

You ought to see the comment he left in my profile yesterday. :whistling:

 

[Gator]

Oh, and there was no ultimatum, implied or expressed, and, like i said, it was more the counselors idea. Now total time away from the family is another subject, and between going to Gator games, fishing, hunting, and cigars and time spent on boards i recognized that 1st go round w/ counseling and have worked on that issue. Biggest thing i did for time with the family was walking away from a job that i was a significant part of growing the business from 5mil in sales to 110mil in sales over a 15yr period, and i walked way from well into 6 digits of 'backside' $ as the payout would come when the company sold. Best decision i ever made, family is more important than cash, i had to get on a plane every week from Tues to Friday. Relationships with my children have improved drastically, and overall, so has the marriage, but there's still a few issues to work through to improve it where we both are very happy. We are not staying together solely for the kids, we both know the grass ain't any greener on the other side, but the truth is having kids is a huge responsibility, and having the 2 parents there makes a HUGE difference, not that kids can't get through divorce. My biggest issue is moderation, with everything, my 'personality' is 110% effort of nada, and over the past few years that's gotten better, but still some work to do. Tunnel vision can be a plus or a minus, depending on how you manage it.

Damn, i kinda spilled my guts didn't i. :blush: To me feel better, someone could send me a Opus OR or Opus Maddy :laugh:

 

[tkoepp]

Damn, i kinda spilled my guts didn't i. To me feel better, someone could send me a Opus OR or Opus Maddy

You'd have better luck with a midget threesome... :laugh:

 

[Jonesy]

Frank has a thing for midgets here lately. I think he wants to do the midget train thing with his wife as the engine and him as the caboose.

You ought to see the comment he left in my profile yesterday. :whistling:

I've noticed that also..... Midget boys John?? you should be ashamed of yourself! :laugh:

 

[indyrob]

Here's another take on the issue. It might not be the cigars themselves.

I think Gonz has it right. It's probably more of a gesture than anything else. The counselor might want you to give up a hobby that seperates you from the collective whole that is "her marriage". The cigars will keep and they are only going to get a little extra sleep while you wait out this problem.

 

[PTownshend]

I always thought a true partner would love you in spite of all these things. I know mine does.....and just for the record, she hates cigar smoking.

x2!!! my wife makes it a point to tell me that she doesn't like me smoking cigars (again, citing some unpublished report that states cigar smoking kills). Even though she abhors it, she will often say "hey, would you want to smoke near the pool" or "maybe we can sit out on the front porch and you can smoke a cigar". Coming from someone who is dead set against cigars, thats awfully cool and giving.

I agree with doc and Brick..... usually the item used in the negotiation of "this or that" is not the issue. Even if you were to spend as much time as possible with the family, when it comes down to the fact that the time is being meted out or even monitored sets the alarms a blazing. Its between you two to decide how much time is enough or too little with the family, and what is really the issue at work here.


Darren

 

[Fatken]

I generally do not give advice on marriage, I filed for divorce after being married to Satan for 22 years. It sounds like this was not your wife's idea, and it might not really be an issue for her.

My current wife probably doesn't like me smoking as much as I do, but she realizes that it makes me happy. She does from time to time bring up the notion that smoking is not good for me.

Good luck Frank, I hope you and your wife the best.

Ken

 

[Gator]

We've been married for over 17yrs, have twin 16yo daughters, a 10yo daughter, so it's not like we're newbs, or haven't learned a thing or two about marriage. At one point not too long ago, being under a tremendous amount of stress, i was having a couple drinks and a cigar, or two every evening. That bothered her because i was out of moderation, and i agree. She really has no issue w/ me smoking a time or two a week, like i said, that was more the counselor saying that because SHE hates smoking (Her husband smoked cigarettes for years). Now does my wife like the fact that i smoke a cigar or two a week, not really, she's a RN, but i don't see that becoming a issue if i am in moderation, because she knows i really enjoy them. Me staying in moderation with ALL things i do is the key. Saying it is easy, but for a person w/ a good dose of ADD and the hyper-focus that often accompanies add, it's a discipline i have to work on. The midget thing also bothers her, especially the ones i keep locked up in the basement.

That Counselor can kiss my ass.

I do appreciate all the different opinions / perspectives, looking at things from another point of view never hurts.

Oh, and i did quit Skoal this week, that's something i did on my own w/ out anyone asking me to do it, that's definitely a habit that's unhealthy. Don't miss it, didn't do it that much anyways, just some when fishing or in the tractor.

 

[Allofus123]

Here's what I'm getting at. I you were fishing, hunting, drinking, card playing, and smoking cigars when you met, when you got married, and to this day....why then all of a sudden is it THE issue that has to be fixed. Whether you admit it or not, there are things that a man has that are true to themselves that make them who they are....if you take all of those away, what's left? Certainly not the man she married. IMO

Understood you the first time. I'll bet you use to go out all the time with your buddies getting drunk and what not too prior to getting married. Should that be OK too? I know that was extreme but in principal its the same. Being married comes with different responsibilities and sometimes those responsibilities sometimes come in the form of sacrafices. How much you are willing to sacrafice for your marriage/wife/children is a personal decision and I'm sure different for each person here. I personally would not feel like a "shell of a man" giving up anything for my wife/family. This isn't a one sided decision and from Gator's responses its obvious he has a pretty good hold on the direction he wants it to go..... just needed a sounding board.

Where do we send the bill?

 

[Gonz]

So how much time have you spent on the internet today posting this "Look at me and my problems" thread instead of being with your wife and family?

 

[Devil Doc]

So how much time have you spent on the internet today posting this "Look at me and my problems" thread instead of being with your wife and family?

You never fail to live up to my expectations.

Doc.

 

[Brickhouse]

Understood you the first time. I'll bet you use to go out all the time with your buddies getting drunk and what not too prior to getting married. Should that be OK too? I know that was extreme but in principal its the same. Being married comes with different responsibilities and sometimes those responsibilities sometimes come in the form of sacrafices. How much you are willing to sacrafice for your marriage/wife/children is a personal decision and I'm sure different for each person here. I personally would not feel like a "shell of a man" giving up anything for my wife/family. This isn't a one sided decision and from Gator's responses its obvious he has a pretty good hold on the direction he wants it to go..... just needed a sounding board.

Where do we send the bill?

Gotcha, I understand what your getting at, and it's true. Without a doubt sacrifices have to be made when married, and you don't do all the things you did as a single guy.

:thumbs:

 

[stevehawk]

...Oh, and i did quit Skoal this week, that's something i did on my own w/ out anyone asking me to do it, that's definitely a habit that's unhealthy. Don't miss it, didn't do it that much anyways, just some when fishing or in the tractor.

Sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing to me. Smoking in moderation, cutting back on the alcohol and quitting Skoal are good things to do. Now you just gotta cut back on those damn Gators. Everyone knows Florida State is the only team down that way worth a damn... :whistling:




Just f'ing with you. My bro lines in St Pete and is a Gator fan -- but he's not here to razz and you are...

 

[Gator]

So how much time have you spent on the internet today posting this "Look at me and my problems" thread instead of being with your wife and family?

Do you wear a hat to hide the circumcision marks?

Let's see Skippy. The initial post was not to ask for pity, but to ask if anyone else has had this issue. It morphed into something different. I typed the initial post while everyone was asleep, and the other few responses while they were at a dance function, and i was taking a break from the heat, so i'd say very little if any. Currently, the twins are away, my youngest is taking a bath, and the wife is on the phone.

edit to be less caustic

 

[Jonesy]

So how much time have you spent on the internet today posting this "Look at me and my problems" thread instead of being with your wife and family?

Damn.....talk about a post that's completely uncalled for. You should have left it with your first one that was actually helpful.

 

[Infinity]

So how much time have you spent on the internet today posting this "Look at me and my problems" thread instead of being with your wife and family?

Do you wear a hat to hide the circumcision marks?

Let's see Skippy. The initial post was not to ask for pity, but to ask if anyone else has had this issue. It morphed into something different. I typed the initial post while everyone was asleep, and the other few responses while they were at a dance function, and i was taking a break from the heat, so i'd say very little if any. Currently, the twins are away, my youngest is taking a bath, and the wife is on the phone.

edit to be less caustic

Frank.

Firstly, I would never put my dirty washing out for all to see in an open forum. You asked for every response that you are getting. Andy is just following the theme.

Secondly, I have been married for 29 years, every single one, a damn good year. IMO and remember, you asked, this goes a lot deeper than smoking 2 cigars a week.
Work it out, only you know what is best for you. Asking for advice here is getting you free therapy from all the expert therapists.

Good luck to you.

Brian

 

[jfields]

So how much time have you spent on the internet today posting this "Look at me and my problems" thread instead of being with your wife and family?

Damn.....talk about a post that's completely uncalled for. You should have left it with your first one that was actually helpful.

It was a bit harsh of a statement I thought too.

I never thought Frank was asking for anyone to feel sorry for him, just venting.