• Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

Pugs Place

Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
 
There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane" The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica" So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane. She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica". So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear. The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her. The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".
 
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

Thanks to 2K6TBSS for this beaut.
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 
 
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." 
 
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink,
I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; 
and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But, Heck, enough about me, how are you doing
 
I kept waiting for the punchline! You've conditioned me to expect laughter when I open this thread!
 
A  motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! 

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," 
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" 

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir." 

"Aggressive and hostile?" 

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. 
 
For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and
Then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
The man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.
 
Pugman1943 said:
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.
Click to expand...
 
I think these are really funny, but you already did one about CJ and now this one is a second one.   He already feels picked on
 
This is all a work of fiction. Any relation to persons living or dead is coincidental ( maybe ).
 
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a
sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing. And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing. And they did.


"Now we eat everybody. And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?� Why did we swim around and around
them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit
out of them first.
 
Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills....

I've  seen this with the letters out of order, but this  is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good  example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD,  you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15      M3554G3
53RV35      7O PR0V3
H0W      0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0      4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3      7H1NG5!
1N      7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17      WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W,      0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR      M1ND 1S
R34D1NG      17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H      0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG      4B0U7 17,
B3      PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N      P30PL3 C4N
R3AD      7H15.
PL3453      F0RW4RD 1F
U      C4N R34D 7H15.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to  your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can read this, you have a strange mind, too.

Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100  can.

I cdnuolt  blveiee  that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I  was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of   the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it  dseno't  mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt  tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset  can  be a taotl mses and you can still raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. This is  bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey  lteter by istlef, but the word as  a wlohe.  Azanmig  huh?  Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
 
 
Here's a new twist to the "research" that's doing the rounds:
 
Iltnsegnetiry I'm sdutynig tihs crsrootaivnel pnoheenmon at the Dptmnearet of Liuniigctss at Absytrytewh Uivsreitny and my exartrnairdoy doisiervecs waleoetderhlhy cndairotct the picsbeliud fdnngiis rrgdinaeg the rtlvaeie dfuictlify of ialtnstny ttalrisanng sentences. My rsceeerhars deplveeod a cnionevent ctnoiaptorn at hnasoa/tw.nartswdbvweos/utrtek:p./il taht dosnatterems that the hhpsteyios uuiqelny wrtaarns criieltidby if the aoussmpitn that the prreoecandpne of your wrods is not eendetxd is uueniqtolnabse. Aoilegpos for aidnoptg a cdocianorttry vwpiienot but, ttoheliacrley spkeaing, lgitehnneng the words can mnartafucue an iocnuurgons samenttet that is vlrtiauly isbpilechmoenrne.
 
Or, if you prefer:
 
Interestingly I'm studying this controversial phenomenon at the Department of Linguistics at Aberystwyth University and my extraordinary discoveries wholeheartedly contradict the publicised findings regarding the relative difficulty of instantly translating sentences. My researchers developed a convenient contraption at http://www.aardvarkbusiness.net/tool that demonstrates that the hypothesis uniquely warrants credibility if the assumption that the preponderance of your words is not extended is unquestionable. Apologies for adopting a contradictory viewpoint but, theoretically speaking, lengthening the words can manufacture an incongruous statement that is virtually incomprehensible.
 
anyone watch those shows Brain Games, and Your Bleeped Up Brain? They do all those sort of things on screen with you. Some of them are really cool. If you have not watched them I highly recommend it.
 
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
 
JHolmes763 said:
Here's a new twist to the "research" that's doing the rounds:
 
Iltnsegnetiry I'm sdutynig tihs crsrootaivnel pnoheenmon at the Dptmnearet of Liuniigctss at Absytrytewh Uivsreitny and my exartrnairdoy doisiervecs waleoetderhlhy cndairotct the picsbeliud fdnngiis rrgdinaeg the rtlvaeie dfuictlify of ialtnstny ttalrisanng sentences. My rsceeerhars deplveeod a cnionevent ctnoiaptorn at hnasoa/tw.nartswdbvweos/utrtek:p./il taht dosnatterems that the hhpsteyios uuiqelny wrtaarns criieltidby if the aoussmpitn that the prreoecandpne of your wrods is not eendetxd is uueniqtolnabse. Aoilegpos for aidnoptg a cdocianorttry vwpiienot but, ttoheliacrley spkeaing, lgitehnneng the words can mnartafucue an iocnuurgons samenttet that is vlrtiauly isbpilechmoenrne.
 
Or, if you prefer:
 
Interestingly I'm studying this controversial phenomenon at the Department of Linguistics at Aberystwyth University and my extraordinary discoveries wholeheartedly contradict the publicised findings regarding the relative difficulty of instantly translating sentences. My researchers developed a convenient contraption at http://www.aardvarkbusiness.net/tool that demonstrates that the hypothesis uniquely warrants credibility if the assumption that the preponderance of your words is not extended is unquestionable. Apologies for adopting a contradictory viewpoint but, theoretically speaking, lengthening the words can manufacture an incongruous statement that is virtually incomprehensible.
Click to expand...
I think some of it has to do with words you are familiar with, then can recognize.
 
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
 
Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top