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I have been asked to give up cigars

Gator

Gator

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 23, 2005
Messages
2,173
My wife and i still have a few issues to work through, and with 3 kids, divorce isn't an option, so we're going back to a counselor that really helped us 2 years ago. Well, my wife and i both stopped alcohol consumption, of which the counselor agreed with wholeheartedly, and i have no issues with that, i have trouble with moderation of alcohol, so why fight it anymore, too much to risk.

She then proceeds to tell me i need to give up cigars. I flat out said no. Going out on the deck every night for an hour or so when i could be involved with the family is one thing, but smoking one or two a week to unwind and relax is something i don't see a problem with, and will continue to do so, if i can keep it at one or two a week.

I really respect the Counselor, alot, and i have no issues with working to improve the issues i have that affects our marriage, but giving up cigars is one non-negotiable item that they will both have to get over. Now, if i can keep it in moderation, then i will continue, but if i head to the deck most every night instead of spending time with the family, then it may be time to throw all my Opus and other HTF Fuente products away :laugh:

Ever had this situation?
 
I can see the frustration Frank, that'sa tough choice to make. I think moderation is key to anything. But your OCD for Opusx / Anejo (well that's another thread).

BTW, I thought the girls wanted you to stop smoking also? Aggghhh the pressure.

Good luck
 
Gator, I have to say I agree with your counselor. I think you should give up cigar smoking. In order to help you with this I recommend you send everything in your humidor (plus the humidor) my way. Address in profile.



:p




Good choice. I see no reason for you to give up something that will bring relaxation to you. Everyone needs a vice and yours is one that probably makes you a happier person all around.
 
Frank,

Like Tim said, anything in moderatio is key..it doesn't matter what you are doing. But if time is the issue and not so much the smoking, I cannot see where you are just spending all of your time smoking and doing nothing else. I don't think anyone here does that from what I read. And in that same vein, you need time for yourself...Everyone does...so if your time means you sit on your deck and smoke and it doesn't take time away from other responsibilities, then there shouldn't be a problem with you smoking. Now, if they want you to quit because they are afraid you are going to die tomorrow from smoking cigars, then that's another issue...but from what you say, it looks like you just like a few hrs a week for you...and there is nothing wrong with that. Good luck on your tough choice...

Melly
 
What changes is she making to improve the relationship? Seems to me two cigars a week would be way down on the list of "Things WE need to do to improve OUR marriage.

Doc.
 
Devil Doc said:
What changes is she making to improve the relationship? Seems to me two cigars a week would be way down on the list of "Things WE need to do to improve OUR marriage.

Doc.
Click to expand...

Exactly
 
Devil Doc said:
What changes is she making to improve the relationship? Seems to me two cigars a week would be way down on the list of "Things WE need to do to improve OUR marriage.

Doc.
Click to expand...
Definitely agree with Doc here Frank.
 
I think you need to wait to go to this counselor before you and your wife have big fallout fights over the subject. The beauty of the counselor is, that you are getting an unbiased mediator involved. She will be able to help you two find that middle ground where you can meet. It sounds like you already are willing to go there. Your wife may just need that outside push from another woman, to make her realize asking you to give up your hobby and "meditation", would be unfair.
If you have been spending time on CP and smoking more than you should, your wife may be just saying this right now in anger and frustration. It's going to be up to you to show her that you can do the moderation thing without creeping back into your lold ways. I know my wife gives me some gentle and not so gentle reminders when she feels like she and the children are being ignored.

I don't think you are alone in the boat Frank. :rolleyes:
 
Devil Doc said:
What changes is she making to improve the relationship? Seems to me two cigars a week would be way down on the list of "Things WE need to do to improve OUR marriage.

Doc.
Click to expand...

I agree what Doc says here. When I went to counseling for a few things I was told that in my relationship I was the "Identifiable Patient." Meaning that it was very easy to see some of the things I was doing wrong as compared to what my wife was because they were done out in the open as compared to not, therefore I was always made out to be the one causing all of the problems. That doesn't make them worse than what she was doing. If you argue because she takes a pot shot at you in a nice even voice and you respond because your feelings were hurt by yelling does that make you wrong and not her strictly because you yelled and she didn't? Now if some of the stress in your relationship is financial and ceasing to "stockpile" cigars will help you save money than I am all for it. If you only smoke two per week and only buy two per week you will be fine. If she simply doesn't like you smoking and is trying to "piggyback" that on top of family and relationship issues in and attempt to relate the two than I personally feel that is manipulative and wrong. If you are going back to therapy make sure that the time isn't wasted and that the issues on the table are genuine.
 
I can see someone's point about the smell of cigars. Not while they are burning, that is just aromatherapy as far as I am concerned. And the calm and meditative pro's outweigh the con's in my case. Though I do give them up once in a while for a week or a month to check on addiction. But old smoke, stale smoke on my person or in a room is something else. It is nasty, IMO.

My new girlfriend would like me to give them up but they are no more harmful than the overrunning she does to keep her ass so skinny. Pro's and con's.

It's a tricky business, life partnership. Hard to achieve till the worms come. I couldn't. I like your underlying but unstated value-kids first always. Remember counselors aren't God or gods, they are professional advice givers. Your life is yours.

For me Bob Dylan said it best. (What a surprise)

My grandfather was a duck trapper,
He could do it with just dragnets and ropes
My grandmother could sew new dresses out of old cloth,
I don't know if they had any dreams or hope

I had 'em once, though i suppose
To go along with all the ring dancing,
Christmas carols and all the christmas eves
I left all my dreams and hopes
Buried under tobacco leaves

Not always easy kicking someone out
Got to wait awhile, it can be an unpleasant task
Sometimes somebody wants you to give something up
And tears or not, it's too much to ask
Click to expand...

Good luck to you.
 
Cigars do not and/or did not put your marraige in discord. (right?) Her objections most likely have nothing to do with the cigars. Finding the real reason would be my mission. I can tell you without any question that if my wife wanted me to quit, and it was what she "really" wanted, I would do it for her without question. I love her that much. I love nothing more than my wife. I always admire a person who works hard at making a marriage work. It is work and it takes both sides wanting to work together. Make sure she has "her time" where she can check out for an hour or two without any strings attached to relax with the same finacial funding that you enjoy for your cigars.

Having three kids (or 100) should not be a reason about the option of divorce. Unfortunately in a lot of cases it is exactly what needs to happen. The fact that yall are "working" on your marriage helps keeps that option at bay. Congrats to both of you for knowing you need help and seeking it.

Best of luck.
 
Hang in there bro, i've been married for thirty six years and we both had to make accomadations, it's all good. When we first got married she was under the impression that all we were going to do was sit at home and hold hands, that won't work for you or her, make yourself interesting to her or it's over. Best of luck! :thumbs:
 
Family should be #1, you should do whatever it takes to keep it together. If my wife said "me & the kids or the cigars", the cigars would be out the window. I could not even imagine not seeing my kids every day, and definitely don't think cigars are worth that!

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your family, but you'll come out better in the long run :thumbs:
 
Family first, but moderation is a must in all things. When we give in to our addictive side it clouds our judgment and how we perceive the issues. You are taking the right approach and working it out. Good luck with your marriage, the cigars are a nice to have type thing and not worth falling on your sword.
 
There's nothing like free theropy (Here a CP)

Or continue paying for it!!!

I think 1 or 2 a week is more that fair

My wife says shit to me like "Oh maybe I should start smoking" I say,"Go right ahead." We are both X cigerette smokers(been about 11 years for me) her probably about the same. I really dont want her to start

My experience is that it takes two to tango
So we both have to compramise

So I dont have to Edit . I cant spell or write worth a shit
 
Here's another take on the issue. It might not be the cigars themselves. First there's the time spent on the deck away from family. But how much time do you spend on CP and other cigar websites? My wife doesn't have issues with my enjoying a cigar in moderation, but she does have issue with the money and time spent on cigars.
 
dav1041 said:
Family should be #1, you should do whatever it takes to keep it together. If my wife said "me & the kids or the cigars", the cigars would be out the window. I could not even imagine not seeing my kids every day, and definitely don't think cigars are worth that!

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your family, but you'll come out better in the long run :thumbs:
Click to expand...

Of course family first, I don't think anyone would say otherwise. I think the advice is to be cautious. If she's going to use this "cigars or the family" thing on Gator then the list is endless. Sport or your family, fishing or your family, your truck or your family, cigars or your family....blah blah blah. Before you know it your a shell of a man that's no longer happy with the spouse you gave it all up for.

I always thought a true partner would love you in spite of all these things. I know mine does.....and just for the record, she hates cigar smoking.
 
"Cigars or the family" is a pretty rough ultimatum. I think one word that needs to be considered here... compromise.

mac
 
I'll be married 24 years tomorrow. My wife realizes I have to have my time and I realize she has to have hers. I devote a few hours a week to cigars...My time. She likes to read so she devotes a few hours to that...Her time.

The rest of the time is devoted to family...We are trying to raise a six year old...Our grandchild we have custody of.

Moderation is the key to personal time. Keep the family first. I'm with Kenny on giving up cigars if that is the problem. I'd have no problem with laying em down.

Good luck Gator.
 
Allofus123 said:
Her objections most likely have nothing to do with the cigars.
Click to expand...


Gonz said:
Here's another take on the issue. It might not be the cigars themselves.
Click to expand...

:whistling: :D



I totally disagree with the statement of becoming a "shell of a man". One must make a decision on what they love most and go from there. If cigars (or fishing, hunting, drinking, cards, cars, or whatever) are more important than your marriage than save the counseling money for the divorce. I'll state again that its most likely not about the cigars at all but, if it is, and you're not willing to walk away from them, then you have your answer. Pretty simple actually.
 
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