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1000 Post Contest- Kids say (and do) the darndest things

preembargo

preembargo

Sleeping not so peacefully
Joined
Feb 27, 2005
Messages
2,686
To commemorate my 1000th post, I want to know some of the craziest things your kids have done. For those of you who don’t have kids you can tell me about your nieces and nephews, even your neighbors' kids. Just as long as the stories are real, nothing cribbed off of the interweb. The funniest and most outrageous story as judged by Bargogirl and I will be the winner. The contest will run until midnight Central time on Dec 23rd and the winner will be announced the day after Christmas.

All current members who have a join date prior to 12/13/06 are eligible.

Good luck!!
 
Congrats on 1k Mike!

I'm sure I've got a story I can tell, just gotta pick one out, hehe.
 
Congrats on 1000!

I was walking with my niece in the park, it was a warm spring day and we were having a nice time. Molly was 4 at the time and as we were walking along she proceeded to take hold of my hand look up at me and say "Uncle Alan, I love this fucking place". Well I just could not contain myself and bust out laughing, she had no clue she said anything wrong.
 
My then 4 year old niece:

Mac: "Uncle Robbie, when did you turn into and adult?"
me: "Well every year you grow older, and..."
Mac: (sniffles and whimpers)
me: (thinking oh great, what did I say wrong now) "Now what?"
Mac: "I don't want to turn into an adult... (sniff)"
me: "Why not?"
Mac: "I don't want to lose my toys..."
me: "You can still have toys when you get older. You can get different toys, and more of them"
Mac: "But I don't want adult toys"
me: "You can keep your toys if you want"
Mac: "But they won't be adult toys"
Me: "Well you can keep any toys you want. You don't have to give up any toys just because you're an adult. What toys are you afraid of loosing?"
Mac: jumps up and proclaims "Jigglypuff! I love my Jigglypuff"

She then takes her little Jigglypuff doll (?), tosses it on the ground and whacks it clear across the room with a wooden pole.

me: "If you love your Jigglypuff so much, why did you just whack it across the room?"
Mac: "Because I LOVE it!"

Priorities, it's important to have them straightened out before you become and adult...
 
This is a reprint from one of my old posts but it fits this contest.

While in Kansas last couple of weeks I spent some time with my ten year old grand daughter amanda. I do not have any young children so the learning curb was a bit long here is a hillarious but true account of our first dinner out. Amanda had been bugging me to take her out to a buffet place because her mother cannot have buffet due to her condition and amanda loves it. I said sure and you can bring your girlfriend nine year old who lives next door this was my first mistake agreeing to take towo 9/10 year olds out to dinner was my second.

we get in the car and they are eating pez candies by the handful my third mistake these little candies are crack for kids. I pull up to the resturaunt and the two girls are practically pulling my arms off to get in to the food (the pez was in full affect). i walk up to the counter and see the buffet is nine dollars for adults and 2.99 for kids up to ten years of age im thinking ok. then the cashier asks amanda how old are you sweetheart and my darling grand daughter who i adore says im 11. I say now amanda you just had your b-day and you turned ten remember I sent you the card with the big ten on the front. She says no grampa I am 11 I look at the guy and say really shes ten he smiles and charges me 9.99 for her.

we get to the table and I say amanda why did you lie to the man she says everyone says I am verry grown up so I decided i have to be at least eleven. I just chuckle and shake my head. meanwhile both of them are laughing and guzzling coke. about halfway through the meal I accidently pass gas my Little angel leaps out of the booth and screams ATTENTION IN THE RESTERAUNT GRAMPA DALE FARTED!!! she then puts her fingers in a circle on her fore head some kid thing last one to do this eats the fart. Anyway the whole place is laughing and some were clapping. I was totally embarresed but could not stop laughing.

after each of them had four helpings of desert I brought them home trying to get them to bed with thier sugar high is a story for another time.
 
The local grocery store has those great carts that look like police cars, fire trucks and a school bus. So my 3 year old always likes to sit up front and steer as we drive along. Well, he must spend too much time in the car with his road raging father, because first while in the produce section of the store he yells out, "F**K DAMMIT!" Then shortly after we're behind some old people and he's slamming his hand against the steering wheel's horn and yelling, "Get out of the way!!!"

I need to be more careful around him.
 
When my now 9 year old son was about 3 years old, he came walking out of his bedroom with his shoes on the wrong feet. I stopped him and said "Your shoes are on the wrong feet son." He looks down at his feet then looks at me, then down at his feet again, and tells me with a most serious look on his face, "But it's my only feets!" I was laughing so hard about his logic, that I just had to walk off and let him wear his shoes on "his only feets"! :laugh:
 
Oh man, these are great. Nothing is better than when little kids mock adults and drop the F bomb. I hope the rest of these are as good as these first few.
 
Gonz said:
The local grocery store has those great carts that look like police cars, fire trucks and a school bus. So my 3 year old always likes to sit up front and steer as we drive along. Well, he must spend too much time in the car with his road raging father, because first while in the produce section of the store he yells out, "F**K DAMMIT!" Then shortly after we're behind some old people and he's slamming his hand against the steering wheel's horn and yelling, "Get out of the way!!!"

I need to be more careful around him.
Click to expand...

I was so relieved when my son's first words were not F@#$
 
Congrats on the 1K Dood, keep em coming, and thanks for the contest.

My story:

My daughter (Lisa) was in Grade 1 in a Catholic school. I got a call at home waking me from a night-shift slumber from a very irrated teacher telling me she needed to see me immediately, and that my daughter would not be welcome in class for 3 days.

I'm driving to the school thinking "What could she possibly have done to get suspended. She's only 6!!!!!"

I got to the school, and Lisa was in the Principal's office with the teacher, the Vice P & the head dude hmself. Lisa was looking scared and all 3 teachers were looking at me like she'd friggin killed someone.

Anyway, to make a long story short (I love this story and it can go on & on), the teacher told me thay had had a talent show in class and Lisa had chosen a very inappropriate song to sing in front of the class.

I asked what she had sung!!

Teacher said she sang "The Pusher" by Steppenwolf. As I'm leaving the school, almost pissing my pants laughing, the teacher yells after me saying "You should really reform your choice of music Mr. O'Flaherty."
 
My son Chris, 5-6 at the time was riding in the back seat with Satan (my ex) and me.

Chris: Mom, I want to tell you a joke
Satan: ok
Chris: A million dollars; take it or leave it?
Satan: I’ll take it.
Chris: A Lamborgini; take it or leave it?
Satan: I’ll take it.
Chris: A dick in your mouth; take it or leave it? (I am almost run off the road)
Satan: Chris, where did you hear that?
Chris: Take it or leave it?
Satan: I’ll leave it.
Chris: You’ll leave a dick in your mouth?

Somehow, I was blamed for the joke. :D

Ken
 
There's some good stuff here. Only three more days until the contest ends!
 
Fatken said:
My son Chris, 5-6 at the time was riding in the back seat with Satan (my ex) and me.

Chris: Mom, I want to tell you a joke
Satan: ok
Chris: A million dollars; take it or leave it?
Satan: I’ll take it.
Chris: A Lamborgini; take it or leave it?
Satan: I’ll take it.
Chris: A dick in your mouth; take it or leave it? (I am almost run off the road)
Satan: Chris, where did you hear that?
Chris: Take it or leave it?
Satan: I’ll leave it.
Chris: You’ll leave a dick in your mouth?

Somehow, I was blamed for the joke. :D

Ken
Click to expand...

Bahhhhh!

:sign:
 
Fatken said:
My son Chris, 5-6 at the time was riding in the back seat with Satan (my ex) and me.

Chris: Mom, I want to tell you a joke
Satan: ok
Chris: A million dollars; take it or leave it?
Satan: I'll take it.
Chris: A Lamborgini; take it or leave it?
Satan: I'll take it.
Chris: A dick in your mouth; take it or leave it? (I am almost run off the road)
Satan: Chris, where did you hear that?
Chris: Take it or leave it?
Satan: I'll leave it.
Chris: You'll leave a dick in your mouth?

Somehow, I was blamed for the joke. :D

Ken
Click to expand...



LMAO - yea...having met Ken...he'd be to blame!





:sign:
 
Congrats and thanks for the contest.

I have a couple of kids and I think some of the funniest times are when they just say out loud so innocently what's on their mind. Comments, of course, are always heard by the person who is being commented on. Some examples from my daughter who is six:

We were in Home Depot standing next to a guy in overalls with no shirt underneath. "Dad, why is that man wearing a farm suit?"

Supermarkets are fun with the cashiers. One guy with a sore on his lip - "Dad, what's on that mans lip?" I always try to ignore cause it's embarrasing but she gets louder and everyone around starts staring.

Some other cashier had a face full of pimples. "Dad, why does that man have white dots on his face?"

Walking past a lady getting out of a wheelchair in the parking lot. "Daddy, why does that lady have a wheelchair if she can get up and walk."

At the liquor store. Some dude must have ripped a fart. "Dad, that man smells like rotten eggs."
 
Great contest. I had forgotten about this story until today. I grew up with 3 younger sisters, so I am fairly good at corrupting little ones...especially since I don't have any kids yet! :laugh: That being said, I particularly enjoyed messing with one of my friend's young one. I think he was maybe 3 years old at the time. His Dad was in the other room, and I was supposed to be helping him put a video tape in the VCR. They had taped some kids shows off of the television but had never labeled the videos. So, before I put the tape in, I had him take the tape to his Dad and ask him if it was "porn." Being the dumb college kid I was, I thought this was pretty amusing.

Fast forward about 6 months. We live in a very conservative area, with lots of small, everybody knows you, type of towns. I get a phone call thanking me for never being able to take this young inquisitive child to the public library again. Apparently, he was in line at the small quiet library with his young son to check out a "Bob the Builder" video. For some reason, my influence enters back into the kid's mind, and despite the many desparate (sp?) attempts at hushing him up, he incesantly asks his father if they are getting "porn" today! Apparently it didn't take more than a couple loud repeats of the questions to have everyone staring at the father with looks of disgust. Needless to say, they left in a hurry, without checking out anything. They haven't been back to the library since. Ooops! :whistling:
 
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