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another cop joke

J

J Lew

taste like chicken
Joined
Jun 4, 2002
Messages
719
being a police officer I get these sent to me often.....



While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I
noticed a
cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the
hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum
stretcher
do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I
can
get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6
foot
wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a
bridge..."

The ticket -- $95 dollars.
 
:sign: ROTFLMFAO :sign:


Two cops, Jason and Lewis, pull up to a Burger King on a meal break. They go inside and Lewis holds a spot while Jason places the order at the counter. Lewis looks out the window, notices someone taking off with their police cruiser and runs outside. Jason, hearing all the commotion, runs outside and asks Lewis what happened. "Jason! Jason! Someone just drove off with our cruiser!" "Did you try to stop him?" Jason asked, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
 
I have the all the respect in the world for the men in blue but....... after getting two speeding tickets in the past two weeks that was freakin halarious!

:thumbs: :D :D :thumbs:
 
like the guy running 95 mph down the freeway and gets pulled over by the state trooper who gets out of his car, adjusts his glasses, tilts his hat forwards and lowers his voice a couple octaves and tells the driver with a crap eating grin, "son i have been waiting on you all day" to which the driver replies, "hell i got here as fast as i could" :p
 
I have a story a little like that, except that it's true. Mostly true, anyway; you folks are getting it third hand from me, because my brother's psychology professor told it on herself to him, so probably some of the details are a little fuzzy.

But anyway, the psych prof. I went through one of her classes too, before the event I'm about to relate happened. My brother was a psych major, so he took more than one class from her, but I got to know her well enough in one semester to understand that she was a feminist.

Not just your ordinary everyday feminist, either, but one of those flaming hyper-abortionary Rush Limbaugh feminazi-style feminists. (Lesbian? I dono; but it wouldn't have changed her much if she had been.)

Anyway, it was summer, and she had to drive several hundred miles to some sort of psychology convention or something in Atlanta. She had been forced to leave late, so she was running low on sleep. The air conditioner in her car had stopped working early in the trip, so she was hot. She was running somewhat behind even her compressed schedule, so she was in a hurry. All of these together combined to make her even crabbier than usual.

She was zooming down the interstate at well over the speed limit when she saw lights in her rear-view, and she pulled over and watched the Georgia Highway Patrol cruiser park behind her. After a sweltering pause, the door opened and the patrolman got out. He was stereotypically dressed, in a tan uniform with a Smokey Bear hat, mirrored sunglasses, and potbelly.

He hitched up his Sam Browne belt, adjusted his hat, and began the long swagger to her car. The swagger was pretty much forced by the heavily laden belt, but it didn't do her attitude any good.

Finally he got to her driver's window, leaned down, and exhaled tobacco breath into her face. "Lookah heah, li'l darlin'," he began.

Did you just feel the small hairs rise on the back of your neck? I did. But to go on:

"Lookah heah, li'l darlin': nobodeh blows thoo Jawjuh thet fast."

Hoo boy. She admitted, when she related this later, that all her training as a psychologist should have prevented her, but she was just too tired and too hot and too crabby.

She smiled brightly back at the patrolman, put on her sweetest voice, and replied: "Sherman did."

She says the fellow didn't settle for giving her a ticket, oh no. He had her follow him into the nearest town, where she sat on a hard wooden chair in an un-air-conditioned government office for almost three hours waiting for a judge to arrive so that he could explain to her why it's a good idea to be respectful to the police. Only after that was she granted the privilege of paying the ticket so that she could get back on her way.

She said they were the most expensive two words she ever uttered--which makes me suspect, given her personality, that she'd never been married.
 
Barak, I work for a County Sheriff's Office in GA. And your little story is probably more true than not. Especially down in south GA. :D

Well come to think of it just about anywhere with that "Shermen" comment. That is still a sore subject around here. :D
 
crash0473 said:
Barak, I work for a County Sheriff's Office in GA. And your little story is probably more true than not. Especially down in south GA. :D

Well come to think of it just about anywhere with that "Shermen" comment. That is still a sore subject around here. :D
Click to expand...
I can imagine.

Natively, I'm more of a Westerner than a Southerner (I was born in Oklahoma), and I've been pretty firmly ensconced in Yankee territory for quite awhile now, so for many years I was disposed to pooh-pooh all the "Southern whining" about the War Between the States.

About five years ago or so, though, I discovered that I was a gun nut; and when word of that got out, the Feds suddenly turned me into an instant libertarian. (Say what you will about generalized government inefficiency: that's one area where they're very efficient.) I began looking into (among other things) the Constitutional implications of Lincoln's War of Northern Aggression, and the cultural and economic effects of the "Reconstruction," and now I'm much more sympathetic to the Southern point of view.

Of course, that's not to say that I don't still take the opportunity to poke fun at Southerners (The Onion ran an article a couple of years ago headlined, "South Postpones Rising Again for Yet Another Year" that I thought was absolutely hilarious); but I figure that's okay because you folks are sho' 'nuff pokin' fun at us. (One of my favorite comedians is--well, was--Lewis Grizzard.)
 
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