Joke Thread

[CoventryCat86]

Here are a few oldies but goodies:

An eighty year old woman goes to the Doctor for a check up. She was required to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the Doctor was looking through these he came across Birth Control pills. "Mrs.. Smith do you realize that these are Birth Control pills"? he said. "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "But Mrs. Smith there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!" "I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old Granddaughter drinks,
believe me, it helps me sleep at night"!
==================================================
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're In your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene
commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like
them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
==================================================
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million
dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks," Can I have a
penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
==================================================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every
evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with
anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"
==================================================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The
old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
==================================================
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I
die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she
said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
==================================================
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come Back to his
hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you
ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before
replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
==================================================
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let
me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week
later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke
to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes
and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

[Lumberg]

An older man sidles up to an older woman at a hotel bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. She accepts and after the drink says she has to go. He offers to walk her to her room and she says no.

The next night he sees her there again, buys her a couple drinks, and this time she lets him walk her to her room. He asks for a kiss, sh says no, thats that.

Next night he sees her there again, buys her soem drinks, walks her up, and this time he gets a kiss. He asks if he can come in but no.

The next night all the same stuff happens except she lets him come in. They do the thing consenting adults do.

Afterwards he says, if I'd realized you were a virgin, I wouldn't have been so aggressive.

She says, if I'd realized you coudl get it up, I would have taken my panty hose off!

ba-dump-bump

 

[geldor1]

Marge and Bill were on vacation in Las Vegas, celebrating their 40 anniversary. They were sitting at the bar enjoying a drink. Marge left to go ‘powder’ her nose. As Marge emerged from the ladies room, she noticed Bill was talking to a stunning young blond.

Marge then saw the woman leave and she made her way back up to the bar. “Who was the nice looking young girl you were talking to”, she asked.

Bill replied, “Oh her, she’s a hooker”.

Marge couldn’t believe what Bill had just told her. Bill said he could prove it. They walked out into the lobby and Bill spotted the woman. He told Marge to go upstairs and hide in their bathroom. Bill would bring the woman up to their room and Marge could listen to the conversation.

Marge went up to their room and hid in the bathroom. She heard the door to the room open and Bill come in with this woman.

Bill asked “How much do you want?”

$200 was the reply.

“I’ll give you $25 for your services” Bill said.

After some haggling and further conversation, the woman got upset and left. Marge came out of the bathroom and couldn’t believe what she had heard. The couple then went back down to the bar.

As they were sitting back at the bar, the blond from earlier in the evening came walking up to Bill and whispered in his ear, “See what you get for $25”.

:sign: :sign: :sign:

 

[Snowdust]

Girlfriend Software

Subject: What software version are you running?

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

 

[Snowdust]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little baastarrd. Sorry. I'll pay for the cueball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arss, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arss, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arss, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shiett out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[cigah_smoka]

A poor man and a rich man were sitting at a bar discussing what they each got their wives for their birthdays. The poor man asked the rich man "what did you get for your wife's birthday?" The rich man said "I got her a Mercedes and a diamond ring". The poor man asked "why did you get her both of those?" The rich man said "If she doesn't like her ring, she can take it back in her new Mercedes." The rich man asked the poor man "what did you get your wife?" The poor man said " I got her a dildo and a pair of sandals". The rich man asked "why did you get her both of those?" The poor man said "becuase if she doesn't like the sandals, she can go F@%K herself!!" :sign: :sign: :sign: :sign: