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Soon to be married....

Big100HD

Big100HD

Cigar junkie
Joined
Nov 27, 2003
Messages
849
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every
way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that
one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down
when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She
whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't
really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top
she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in the car.
 
Even a couple of female teachers thought that was DAMN FUNNY :thumbs:

M. Gipson
 
Even the wife, who never heard it, liked that. TFF!!
 
never heard that one. definitely a fuuny one --my wife and I enjoyed it.
 
:D Glad you all liked it. It's an oldie, but I still enjoy watching old Red Skelton tapes....:thumbs: :p


mmmm, maybe a start of a new thread...."who's your favorite all time comedian?"
 
Big100HD said:
:D Glad you all liked it. It's an oldie, but I still enjoy watching old Red Skelton tapes....:thumbs: :p


mmmm, maybe a start of a new thread...."who's your favorite all time comedian?"
Click to expand...
One of my all-time favorites is Emo Phillips who has said such things as:

"The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil."

and

"I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet."

and

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

and

"I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change
the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind
me, "Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo" .... well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech
impediment... He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me
"You call that a straight line?". Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have
said.... "yes". But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was "Well
Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they
do an electroencephalagram of your own brain-wave.
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the
first time we ever had a democrat in the family."

and finally

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."


laugh.gif
jester.gif
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blair said:
Big100HD said:
:D Glad you all liked it. It's an oldie, but I still enjoy watching old  Red Skelton tapes....:thumbs: :p


mmmm, maybe a start of a new thread...."who's your favorite all time comedian?"
Click to expand...
One of my all-time favorites is Emo Phillips who has said such things as:

"The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil."

and

"I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet."

and

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

and

"I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change
the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind
me, "Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo" .... well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech
impediment... He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me
"You call that a straight line?". Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have
said.... "yes". But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was "Well
Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they
do an electroencephalagram of your own brain-wave.
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the
first time we ever had a democrat in the family."

and finally

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."


laugh.gif
jester.gif
laugh.gif
Click to expand...
Emo is fantastic. Too bad you dont see him very often. Im not sure a lot of people know about him. I was lucky enough to see him in a live show at Chaplans Comedy Club in Fraser MI about 12 years ago. What a show!
Heres some quotes I found!

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."



"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"



"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."


"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

JV
 
In fact... I think I'll finally add a signature to my profile...

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
 
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