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The "Make Me Laugh" Contest

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
 
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew not moving and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's Ultimate Enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yup, sure do."

Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why not?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"
 
A bus full of Catholic schoolgirls crashes on the highway, and all occupants die.

They line up at the gates of Heaven and are met by St. Peter.

To the first, he asks, "What are your sins, my child?"

She says, "Well, I touched a penis but just with one finger."

St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in the Holy Water and you may enter Heaven."

To the next girl, St. Peter asks, "What are your sins, my child?"

The girl says, "I touched my boyfriend's penis with my whole hand."

St. Peter says, "Put your hand in the Holy Water, and you will be clean."

Now there is a commotion in the back of the line, so St. Peter asks "What is all this about?"

The girl at the back of the line says, "I want to go next, I'm not going to gargle the Holy Water after Brittney puts her ass in it."
 
Two fish are swimming along and run head first into concrete. One fish turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two cannibals are having a comedian for dinner. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer.
What do you call a deer with no d**k and no eyes? I have no f'ing ideer.

What sexual position makes the ugliest baby? I dunno, go ask your parents.
 
Why is the doggie position the favorite position in Canada?
They both can watch the hockey game on the tube.
 
What are we, your friggin' court jesters?

Go entertain yourself, douchebag!




There's my entry. Did I win? :D
 
KingAlthe1st said:
What are we, your friggin' court jesters?

Go entertain yourself, douchebag!




There's my entry. Did I win? :D
Click to expand...

Got my vote. :laugh:

In the meatime, here's another one:

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services are pending.
 
jlada said:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That has got to be the the ugliest damned baby I've ever seen!" The woman, visibly upset, marches to the back of the bus and sits down. She exclaims to the man next to her, "That asshole driver just insulted me to my face!" The man says: "Well that's not right! Run up there and tell him where to shove it. You go right ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
Why doe they call is PMS? Mad cow was taken.

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap get bust in mouth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Never raise hands to angry woman - it leave groin exposed.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Virgin like balloon - one prick, all gone.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who wear G-string high on crack.
Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Girl who ride bike peddles ass all over town.
He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man.

That's it for me. :D
Click to expand...

Confucius also say: It's good for lady to meet guy in park, but better for guy to park meat in lady!!
 
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Science Diet dog food at Petsmart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Science Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Science Diet nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??
 
Cigar Hound said:
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Science Diet dog food at Petsmart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Science Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Science Diet nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??
Click to expand...

that totally weird. there was a guy few posts back that had the same exact situation happen to him!
 
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