A little Monday levity

[gtadroptop]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism, or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert, or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

[souldog]

:laugh: :laugh: I really liked that one!

 

[Anthony]

That's great !

 

[sack]

Damn you, i almost spit a great beer on the keys!

 

[Macion Grey]

Good to see your jokes resurfacing mate. Maybe this could be a new epic joke thread?

 

[gtadroptop]

Frozen Carburetor

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example:

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out," said the constable.

"Can't," replied the motorcyclist.

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable demonstrated by warming the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...

 

[MoeCizlak]

Pffft. The Canadian women that I've encountered would've had the carburetor thawed before that Mountie ever got there.

 

[Devil Doc]

Pffft. The Canadian women that I've encountered would've had the carburetor thawed before that Mountie ever got there.

You know how you can tell if a woman is a native Vermonter?

She has jumper cables in the car, knows how to use them and doesn't flinch when she hooks 'em up.

Doc.

 

[gtadroptop]

A young sexy blonde was in Las Vegas. She was in the casino for about an hour until she felt thirsty. She went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man saw her, and he asked: "What are you doing?"

The sexy blonde replied: "Duh!! Winning!!!"

 

[MoeCizlak]

Man, a guy lucks into the playoffs and all of a sudden he's Richard Pryor. :laugh:

 

[gtadroptop]

Man, a guy lucks into the playoffs and all of a sudden he's Richard Pryor. :laugh:

Even better - I don't have to face Kenny this week.

 

[gtadroptop]

A little boy got on the bus,sat next to a man who was reading a book,and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked the man,"Why do you wear your collar backwards?"

The man,who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys,4 girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest was getting impatient and said, "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, and then said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[4cbln3]

I'm liking this thread.......A lot! Keep 'em coming!

 

[gtadroptop]

Search is your friend.

LINKY

I've decided to come out of retirement on a much more limited basis. There's another joke thread that dates back almost to the beginning of CP.

 

[gtadroptop]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have hear him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his f****n’ widow."

 

[T2P]

Great thread! This one gave me a chuckle when I really needed one.

 

[Shamrocker]

A young, cocky Naval aviator was sitting at the bar by himself, sipping a beer, and fiddling with his watch. An attractive woman notices him and takes the seat next to his. She strikes up a a conversation with him, but he seems more interested in his watch than her.

She asks him "Are you waiting for someone?"

He says "No, I just got this new watch though. It's really great!"

"What's so special about it?"

"Oh, it does all kinds of things... but the best feature is it reads alpha waves. It can tell me what you're thinking."

Curious, she asks "What does your fancy new watch tell you?"

He replies "It's telling me you aren't wearing any panties."

She giggles and tells him "Sorry, your watch is wrong."

"Oh damn," he taps the side and says "It must be an hour fast."

 

[gtadroptop]

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were having breakfast, listening to the radio. The announcer said, "We expect 8 to 10 inches of snow today, therefore you must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."


So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later again while eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today, therefore you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."


The good wife went out and moved her car again. Several days later, again during breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today, therefore you must park..." and the the electric power went out.


The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"


With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

 

[sonuvabum]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now..
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!

 

[gtadroptop]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now..
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!

Definition of 'Groaner':

a. statement, story, anecdote, or quip that causes the listener to bury his/her head in their hands and moan painfully

b. this joke

:laugh:

Good one, Gary!