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A little Monday levity

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough", more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

Trey
 
After getting all sorts of horrible news all morning without so much as a wince, George Bush was receiving his daily report from his Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld.

During the report, he said; “And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.” George suddenly went pale, put his head in his hands and began to sweat profusely.

He was inconsolable, crying like a baby.

His entire staff was astounded. They had never seen him react like this to something that seemed this little. After he had recovered slightly, he brought his head up and asked; Just how many is a brazillion?
 
A California Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from DALLAS when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit."
 
This joke is older than Macion Grey, but I've always gotten a chuckle out of it. :p

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

The teacher fainted!
 
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and
eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'??

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right
now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my
appetite.'??


At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.. 'A bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'


He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my
desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
'would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'??

He declines again.. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the
Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'



'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm f*****g
starving!



PJ
 
gtadroptop said:
This joke is older than Macion Grey, but I've always gotten a chuckle out of it. :p

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

The teacher fainted!
Click to expand...


I must be the only 24 year old people mistake for Benjamin Button...
 
Proverbs According to Larry the Cable Guy:


1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. (That one is for Punk_Lawyer :laugh: )
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
 
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts.

************

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also.

************

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they
discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that
they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in
peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

************

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

***********

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a
great idea because they have never been there before.
 
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
 
A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.

He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake.

He says to his caddy, "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy says,"I don't think that's possible; you can't keep your head down that long."
 
Fondling in Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past hte side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeeded up her inner thigh stopping just at hte uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her other side. Abruptly he stopped, turned over and began watching TV.

The wife, being thoroughly aroused at this point, said in a husky voice 'Why did you stop'?

The husband replied 'I found the remote'.
 
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
 
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snow plough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plough.

December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.. God, I hate the snow! Then the snow plough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
Lets keep this going, albeit late but here goes. Because we have so many LEO on this forum I saw this email I thought was good, even though I am sure many of the Cops have seen it. So for the rest of us.

These are reportedly actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Now, one of the best I've ever personally heard was when I was stopped back in the mid-70s going about 70 in a 65 in the middle lane of I-15. I was coming down the hill into Victorville when a CHP stopped me. I asked him why he stopped me when there were other cars going faster than I was. With out stopping writing the ticket, he calmly asked me if I ever went fishing. When I answered yes, he asked, "ever catch them all?" and then said, "Sign here"
 
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
 
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
An older man goes to the doctor and waits around for his turn to speak to the admitting nurse. When she finally does call his name he approaches the counter she asks "what is your problem today?"
He replies in a loud voice "I have a problem with my cock!"
The embarrassed counter girl states in a rude manner "other people can hear you up here, you really shouldn't state such personal information. When I ask you about your problems you should say you have a problem with your ear or something."
So she asks him again what are you seeing the doctor about today?
He says" I have a problem with my ear."
She asks "what is the problem?"
To which he replies "I can't piss out of it!"
 
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Jim Keane picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Keane goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Keane declares, "Your husband just lost 500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Keane.
 
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