RE: Cellos on or off
Dear fucking idiot-box who goes by the ultra-noob name BlackNMild4eva -
Let me impart a knowledge bomb on you, not because you deserve even a microbe of wisdom from me, Elder-Cigar-God of our amazing forum - Fuente'd My Balls Off -- but simply because you asked the dumbest question on the planet and I was feeling generous enough to answer it. That's right, hold the fucking appluase.
A quick search of "cello on or off" returns the following stellar results -
http://cello-online.com/index.html - This is a cleaning company. It's useless for finding your answer. Despite what you might think, these asshats don't clean your cello's for you. That's something you'll have to do yourself every 3 days like the rest of us. And before you ask, clean them with fucking vinegar. Jeez. Just answering your damn question makes me stupider.
http://www.stogiefresh.info/edu-cigars/articles/cello-on-off.html - Some ass-hat named "The Doc" wrote this article. It's unverifiable and worthless but good for a laugh. Read it, noob, and laugh like a fucking hyena who just had an ounce of cocaine shoved up his rectum (that's professional speak for asshole - my dad is a doctor, so you'll have to get used to big words at FMBO).
http://www.cigarpass.com/cigars-cello-on-or-off-it-depends/ - Now these guys are usually right, but screw them. Bunch of pretentious pricks. They kicked me off their stupid site a week ago because I wanted them to verify if my buddies cubans that he got from a beach vendor in the dominican were real. Of course they are. They come in a glass-top box and they fucking say "Habanna, Cuba" on the side. Shit. Is it too much to ask for a helping hand? But no, they had to hoard all the fucking knowledge. But it's okay because I just wanted to make them jealous of my epic stash.
Fuck the internet. Here's the truth.
You see, cello on or off is all related to the moon-cycle. When the moon is full, the alpha rays from the sun deflect off the giant gray cookie-in-the-sky and land on your precious humidor, causing pulsating interior stability syndrome. Sounds harmless enough, right? WRONG! You see, a good batch of P.I.S.S. can really fuck up your cigar stash. You don't want your gars sitting in your humi without protection while there's PISS everywhere (well, actually because you're a noob you probably already let them sit in PISS like some kind of fucking shit-stain). Now, when you leave the cello on, you deflect the PISS and your cigars are safe.
That is... until you have a new moon. Now, I know you probably didnt' take an astronomy class in high school like me, but the moon phases relate directly to the position of the earth. When the moon is new, that's because we've flipped all the way around the moon and we're staring at it's naked asshole. That's right, the Moon is literally mooning us during a new moon. Because of this hemispherical shift, not enough gamma rays hit your humidor so now you've got a bad case of the subvertical hemospheric ionization table which is the reverse of the pulsating interior stability syndrome. And let me just tell you, you don't want your cigars sitting in the S.H.I.T. either. That's just bad news. During this period of time, you need to make sure the small amount of gamma rays being directed by the new moon hit your humidor and your gars to properly keep them aging.
Some people will tell you about humidity and fucking temperature like they have anything to do with aging cigars, but they don't. I mean seriously, do people in humid countries age faster just because theres some fucking hot and humid air floating around? No. I didn't think so. They just don't know about moon cycles and planetary motions and SHIT and PISS like I do.
So the correct answer is this - keep your damn sticks in the cello a few days before, during and after the full moon, and keep them out of the cello a few days before, during, and after the new moon. That'll keep them fresh and help you avoid a whole SHIT or PISS situation.
I know your brain just exploded from the mass of knowledge i just shoved into your ear-holes, but follow this advice and you'll be well on your way to some premium smokes in no time.
And noob, please tell me you have some Gurkhas. Everyone knows they're the best.
