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CONTEST for the funny guys!

B

boonedoggle

???
Joined
May 11, 2006
Messages
1,851
Location
Charleston, SC for THREE YEARS!
Ok…this contest is easy enough. This is a joke contest. The best joke wins. That’s it. Oh, here are the rules:
-The jokes must be PG! No dirty jokes!
-My son, the 9-year-old freak below, will judge the jokes. He will determine the best joke on Wednesday, July 26th at 7:00 PM. You will have until this time to submit your jokes. The best joke wins!

Here’s a chance for all you smart, funny guys to come up with something creative. Good luck! The winner gets a nice 5er!

th_DSCF0385.jpg
 
This should be a great contest!!! :thumbs:
Although, my lack of knowing ANY jokes will prohibit me from playing!!!

Thanks Boonedoggle!
David
 
why did tigger have his head in the toilet?


.....he was looking for pooh.


that kinda sounds like a 9 year old joke.
 
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."


He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Golden Retriever just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Golden replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Golden looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap!"
 
How do you get an elephant to fit into a paper Safeway bag?

Take the "S" out of "safe" and the "F" out of "Way"











There's no 'F'in way!
 
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartendar says "We don't serve your kind around here."

The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy" (fun-gi)
 
what does "dirty" entail?
I think this one is PG, well PG-13:

So an elephant walks past a camel, stops, and laughs.
Elephant: HAHA! You've got boobs on your back!
Camel: Heh, That's funny coming from someone with a penis on his face.

or..

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and therefore he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
 
What did the cop say to the popsicle ??


FREEZE :sign: :sign: :sign:

Why couldn't Batman go fishing?




Robin ate all the worms! :sign: :sign: :sign:
 
Ok.. here is an attempt...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." :D

Steve
 
I'm not a good purveyor of "clean" jokes, but here's an attempt:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the skunks and the sqirrels it could be done.



Edited to add:



A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
 
Here’s a clean joke:

A English teacher was lecturing his class about the uses of language one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

The wisenheimer in the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
 
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" The bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I didn't!"
 
Ok, here goes:

One day Boudreaux walks up to Fontenot with 2 black eyes.

Fontenot says, "What happened to your eyes?"

Boudreaux says, "Well, I was in church Sunday morning and the preacher said to stand up and sing. You know Mrs. Pitre, the big fat lady was standing in front of me with her dress stuck in her butt crack. I am a gentleman, so I reached up there and gave it a tug to pull it out. She turned around and punched me in my eye."

Fontenot says, "That explains one black eye, what happened to the other one?"

Boudreaux says, "I thought she wanted it there, so when she turned around, I put it back."
 
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring very easily and every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. At the end of the first half, the score was 42 for the big animals and 0 for the small animals. Then came the second half (and everything changed, especially as the centipede entered the game for the first time playing for the small animals)...


First play: The big animals have the ball and the elephant runs the ball right up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.


Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.


Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "we sure could have used you in the first half, where were you?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
 
A cheeseburger walks into a bar and says "hello, can I have a pint of beer please?" The bartender replies "Sorry, we don't serve food"
 
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