I could use a sounding board

[CigarStone]

The time has come that my father needs to go to a home of some sort and I am at odds with the rest of my family. My brothers and sisters have no professional/business experience, they are just good downhome people. I am of the opinion that this decision effects dad for the rest of his life and should not be made without understanding the legal issues.

For example, a couple siblings have gone to homes and spent the day looking around and at the end of it all they have been told "your dad makes too much money we can't take him" or "your dad requires 24 hour care due to his medical conditions, we can't take him" (he is blind and very feeble). Also, he currently resides in Myrtle Beach SC but most family and friends are in NW Pa.......I am certain there are differing state laws that could effect the decision as to where is the best place for him under his circumstances.

The rest of the family thinks I am being stupid by wanting to spend dad's money for an attorney to advise us. I have explained that there could be hundreds of thousands of dollars spent if dad should live several more years and I can't understand why they would be concerned about spending $300-$400 for an advisory consultation?

I have spoken to two attorneys who are friends and they both said in a nut shell "anyone taking these issues on without legal advice is an idiot". How do I tell my siblings they are idiots?


Am I missing something or am I over-reacting?

 

[Niko]

Say, you are an idiot.

But seriously, we had to do the same thing with my grandmother... It really helped us to determine where she should go and how things will get handled.

 

[BlindedByScience]

It's a difficult time when a parent needs to be cared for full time. I think your idea to consult an attorney is solid and prudent. I'd tell the family that third party advice from someone in the know about the issues involved is to protect your Dad and his hard earned assets, and leave it at that.

If it were my Dad, I'd pony up the money myself and tell the rest of the family to buzz off.....in the nicest way possible.... :whistling:

One man's opinion - B.B.S.

 

[N2Advnture]

It's tough dealing with the decision to begin with let alone trying to deal with the family politics that go along with it.

I would either consult the attorney without them and then go back to them with what you were told.

Or, tell them you are moving forward with consulting the attorney for XYZ reasons (one being that attorney friends have strongly advised it) and they are more than welcome to attend the meeting or if they can't attend, what specific questions would they want answered.

I hope this helps bro and god bless your father.

 

[CigarStone]

It's a difficult time when a parent needs to be cared for full time. I think your idea to consult an attorney is solid and prudent. I'd tell the family that third party advice from someone in the know about the issues involved is to protect your Dad and his hard earned assets, and leave it at that.

If it were my Dad, I'd pony up the money myself and tell the rest of the family to buzz off.....in the nicest way possible.... :whistling:

One man's opinion - B.B.S.

Yep! I am in the midst of that right now...the problem is that my sister has POA and it will go the way she wants it to go so I have to convince her of the wisdom.

 

[Devil Doc]

That's what lawyers are for, to tell people, you're not willing to tell, they're idiots.

Doc.

 

[punk_lawyer]

Yes indeed. I spend the greater part of my day politely telling people that they are idiots. (Okay, so the 'politely' part is a lie but what do you expect, I am a lawyer).

Jeff, this is really an easy one. Go to a lawyer and get a consult. Your local bar association can probably refer someone to you that is knowledgeable in the field. Just do it. You will not be sorry that you did.

Unfortunately, due to 'look-back' provisions contained in both federal and state laws, any movement of assets that is undertaken right now will likely be subject to challenge. That being said, there are still provisions allowing for gifts to family members (that can include cash) and there are usually strong protections applied to equity in a residential dwelling. You should try to get an understanding of which of his assets are protected or exempt and which are not.

I am not licensed in Pennsylvania or South Carolina so I cannot comment as to anything unique to those particular states.

Good luck. I can probably get you some resources on this topic if needed. This is not an easy issue to confront.

 

[Marco-Polo]

1) You totally need a lawyer. End of life decisions are a big mess and they tend to get messier the longer they're unattended. There's a long list of things which you need to consider, and a lot of them are non-obvious.

For example, filial-support laws: children can be forced to pay for a parent's medical care. That's a little-known and potentially nasty surprise.

2) If you've been discussing this for a while, and your siblings still think that you're nuts to hire a lawyer, your chances of convincing them are somewhere near zero. They've already decided to not decide.

You may have to hire a lawyer yourself, to go through the whole mess, and bring up the bill later. At the very least, consult an elder-advocacy organization (the AARP, for example, has a lot of similar services and resources). Don't be tempted to play ostrich, you're on the right path - the hard path but the right path.

 

[mufflerman]

A saying I heard from a good friend that just went through a nasty episode of something similar was, "Don't let the person in charge of the parent's health be the same person in charge of their finances."

 

[jgohlke]

No, you're an idiot if you don't protect yourself.

I've watched this go down a couple of times in my own immediate and extended family. The "stand-up guy/gal" at the center of the family trying to keep the peace and make everybody happy ends up with a royal screwing. Seen it happen. More than once.

One piece of advice, "Don't expect folks to do right after the fact."

Do what needs to be done up front. Get it done, take your lumps, move on. Time fixes some stuff. This ain't one of them.

 

[DesertRat]

Not an easy decision to have to make. I know.

My father-in-law has needed 24/7 care for more than two years now after suffering a stroke and after looking at various homes and care facilities and observing the staff interaction with the patients/residents we decided to take care of him ourselves at home where he was with loved ones and cared for by loved ones who would look out for his interest and not their own. He is 97 yrs old and it has certainly not been easy at all but we still feel we made the right decision.

As I type this we are on a death watch for lack of a better term. He is running a high fever, has become non-responsive and can no longer keep food or liquids down. The doctor came yesterday and said his systems are shutting down slowly and it is only a matter of time. We've had family members cycling through all day to say their goodbyes and the pastor left a few hours ago. Nothing more to do now but sit with him, talk to him and let him know he is loved in case he is able to hear us and understand. He's had a good long life and I feel 100% better knowing that he is with family at this time.

Your decision is a hard one and you should make it with all the information you can get in order to make sure you have no regrets when all is said and done. If that means retaining an attorney then by all means get one. Many times a non-emotionally involved third party is the only way to gain clarity of the issues at hand.

I wish you and your family the best

God Bless