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Morning Chuckle

A blonde made an appointment to get a medical exam. When she got there, she told the doctor she also wanted to know if she was pregnant After the exams the doctor told the blonde that she was in perfect health and was not pregnant.
The blonde asked the doctor 'can a woman get pregnant with anal sex?'
THE doctor said 'of course a woman can get pregnant with anal sex. Why do you think we have so many lawyers?'
 
Woman goes to see the vet because her dog snores, it's affecting her sleep and she has to find a solution. The vet tells her that she has to tie a red ribbon on the dog's testicles and it would cure the snoring. 'Yeah right' the woman responds and goes home.
That night she gets in bed but is kept up by her dog's snoring, she goes to her closet and finds some red ribbon which she ties to the dog's testicles and lo and behold the dog stops snoring.
She gets back into bed and goes into a deep sleep.
Later that night her husband comes in three sheets to the wind, he falls into bed and starts snoring so loud he shakes the walls.
The woman wakes up and starts to think, if it worked on the dog maybe it will work on him.
She finds some blue ribbon in her chest o'drawers and ties it on her husband's testicles, miracles of miracles it works.
The next morning the husband wakes up and sees the dog with the red ribbon and shakes his head.
He proceeds to the washroom where he sees the blue ribbon on himself.
After taking care of his business he returns to the bedroom and tells the dog 'I don't know where we were last night, but it looks like we won first and second place.
 
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"What part did you get?"
 
MAN TRANSLATIONS

I'M GOING FISHING' means: 'I'm goning to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while fish swim by in complete safety'
'IT'S A GUY THING' means: 'There is no rational thought pattern connected to it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical'
'CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?' means: 'Why isn't dinner on the table ?'
'UH HUH' 'SURE, HONEY' OR 'YES DEAR' means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN' Means: 'I have no idea how it works'
'I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF THINGS ON MY MIND.' Means: 'I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.'
'TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD' Means: I can't hear the game over the vaccum cleaner.'
'THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR' Means: 'Are you still talking?'
'YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. ' Means: 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address to the first girl i kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car i ever owned, but i forgot your birthday.'
'I WAS THINKING OF YOU AND BOUGHT THESE ROSES.' Means: 'The girl selling them on the corner was real hot.'
'OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.' Means: ' I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before i will admit it.'
'HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.' Means: 'And i sure hope i can think of some pretty good reasons soon.'
'I CAN'T FIND IT.' Means: ' It didn't fall into my outstreched hands, so i'm completely clueless.'
'WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?' Means: 'What did you catch me doing?'
'I HEARD YOU.' Means: 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and i'm hoping desperately that you don't spend the next three months yelling at me.'
'YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.' Means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.'
'YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.' Means: Please don't try another outfit, i'm starving.'
'I'M NOT LOST, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.' Means: No one will ever see us alive again.'
 
Didja ever wonder?

1 .Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE.

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7 Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8.. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
 
A man came to a village and announced that he would pay $10 a head for monkeys, seeing as how there was an ample supply of monkeys, the villagers started rounding them up and selling them to the man.
After a while the supply of monkeys dwindled to where it was a bit of a job rounding the monkeys up and the villagers stopped looking for them, the man annouced that he would pay $20 a head for every monkey and the villagers started to collect the monkeys again.
Again the supply dwindled even further and the villagers stopped hunting the monkeys.
The man annonced that he would pay $25 dollars a head for each monkey and some villagers returned to collecting monkeys until it became hard to even see a monkey anywhere. All the villagers returned to their farm and quit hunting for any monkeys.
Once again the man came to the villagers and told them that he would pay $50 per head for every monkey collected, but first he would have to go to the city to take care of some business and his assistants would buy the monkeys in his place.
After the man left for the city his assistants told the villagers that they would sell the villagers the monkeys in the cages for $35 a head and when the man came back the villagers could sell the monkeys to the man for $50.
All the villagers got their savings and bought all the monkeys back and waited for the man to return from the city, but the only thing the villagers saw was monkeys that they owned.
Now you know how the stock market works.
 
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.


One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter .

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


Doc.
 
True conversation:

Wife: What on earth have you been doing downstairs till 2:00am (she's been in bed since 9:00pm)

Husband: masturbating.

Wife: For 5 hours?

Husband: I'm old and we're on dial up.

Wife: Wash you hands.

NA
 
SamClemmons said:
True conversation:

Wife: What on earth have you been doing downstairs till 2:00am (she's been in bed since 9:00pm)

Husband: masturbating.

Wife: For 5 hours?

Husband: I'm old and we're on dial up.

Wife: Wash you hands.

NA
Click to expand...
:laugh: Now that's funny. :laugh: :thumbs:
 
sack said:
SamClemmons said:
True conversation:

Wife: What on earth have you been doing downstairs till 2:00am (she's been in bed since 9:00pm)

Husband: masturbating.

Wife: For 5 hours?

Husband: I'm old and we're on dial up.

Wife: Wash you hands.

NA
Click to expand...
:laugh: Now that's funny. :laugh: :thumbs:
Click to expand...

I think that really happened during our fantasy football draft last Friday. He actually seemed to be in a good mood. Well, sort of. :sign:
 
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
 
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Oscoda, Michigan, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Oscoda and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Michigan?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Michigan?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Michigan"
 
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

4. The password is, "bubba."

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.

8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.

12. The monitor is up on blocks.

13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.

14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.

16. The six front keys have rotted out.

17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
 
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. She tossed it off to the side without a second thought. As she was laying there, she heard footsteps approaching. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.

"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on. You're causing quite a commotion in the restaurant."

"How? I'm alone and out of sight on the roof."

"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
 
A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.Upon examination, the veternarian determined the problem.The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorillas available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a part time worker responsiblefor cleaning the animal cages. He wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he was strong and burly and therefore well suited for what the zookeeper had in mind. He approached Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think it over.
The following day, he said he would accept the offer, but only under four conditions.:
First, bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gona kiss her on the lips.'
The zookeeper agreed.
Second, he added , no one can ever know about this.'
The zookeeper agreed.
Third, he contiued, I want all the children raised in a religious way.'
the zookeeper agreed.
and finaly, he concluded, 'You gotta give me at least a week to come up with the $500.'
 
On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palmtrees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
 
A young boy named Billy goes to school for his first day of grade school and the teacher tells the children they will have fun today by telling what their daddy does for a living. The young boys turn finally comes and he is very hesitant, eventually the teacher tells him to go ahead.

The boy says "ummmmmm my dad is an exotic dancer in a gay bar.......and sometimes he goes in the back and has sex with the customers" At recess the teacher takes the boy aside and says "Billy, I just can't believe what you said about your daddy" Billy says "Yeah, I was just too embarrassed to tell the truth....he plays for the Cleveland Browns"
 
CigarStone said:
A young boy named Billy goes to school for his first day of grade school and the teacher tells the children they will have fun today by telling what their daddy does for a living. The young boys turn finally comes and he is very hesitant, eventually the teacher tells him to go ahead.

The boy says "ummmmmm my dad is an exotic dancer in a gay bar.......and sometimes he goes in the back and has sex with the customers" At recess the teacher takes the boy aside and says "Billy, I just can't believe what you said about your daddy" Billy says "Yeah, I was just too embarrassed to tell the truth....he plays for the Cleveland Browns"
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Steelers!!!
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. Thw kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.So the farmer asks one little girl, 'what's the difference between a rooster and a hen?'
'The hen lays eggs,' replied the little girl.
'Very good!' replied the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, 'What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?'
'Well, ' replied the girl. 'Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving.'
'Very good!' exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, 'Do you know the difference between a bull and a coow?'
'Yes, I do' replied little Johnny from the city. 'Bulls smile when you milk them.'
 
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