NorcalMark
New Member
What green, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree it would hurt you?
A Pool Table!
A Pool Table!
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Morning Chuckle
- Thread starter gtadroptop
- Start date
sack
'From man's sweat and God's love, beer came to be.
Cause i like this one.
:thumbs:
in2xshp
Banned
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...
So they buried Debbie.
eeewwwww.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...
So they buried Debbie.
eeewwwww.
Dadster1960
New Member
sack
'From man's sweat and God's love, beer came to be.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Icredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
Thw next day the first women's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt crack that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!"
Thw next day the first women's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt crack that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!"
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not
know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You
must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for
what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You
must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for
what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
sack
'From man's sweat and God's love, beer came to be.
An Irishman finds a lamp by the sea shore and proceeds to rub it. The Genie appears and says "You have released me from 1000 years of imprisonment Master. I will grant you two wishes."
The Irishman thinks and says, "I want a bottle of beer that never is empty and it's got to be Guinness."
The Genie replies, "So be it"
The Irishman sees before him a bottle of Guinness and a glass. He pours the Guinness into the glass and drinks all the beer, he picks up the bottle and sure enough it's full.
The Genie says, You have one more wish Master."
The Irishman says,"Hell give another one of these.
The Irishman thinks and says, "I want a bottle of beer that never is empty and it's got to be Guinness."
The Genie replies, "So be it"
The Irishman sees before him a bottle of Guinness and a glass. He pours the Guinness into the glass and drinks all the beer, he picks up the bottle and sure enough it's full.
The Genie says, You have one more wish Master."
The Irishman says,"Hell give another one of these.
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
in2xshp
Banned
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart".
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it." I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . . Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
on a man I asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," Bob
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly".
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry . . . had
to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from
laughing so hard, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart".
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it." I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . . Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
on a man I asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," Bob
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly".
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry . . . had
to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from
laughing so hard, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
in2xshp
Banned
I know that is not the morning yet but I couldn't pass this up.
Some Irish Tales
************************************************************
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. 'Discretion' is me middle name.. Leave it to me."
So Gallagher goes right over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead," says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
***************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's bossom, and a thing of beauty it was, but utterly useless in a fight."
***************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight up, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
********************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun . . ' "
***************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Some Irish Tales
************************************************************
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. 'Discretion' is me middle name.. Leave it to me."
So Gallagher goes right over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead," says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
***************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's bossom, and a thing of beauty it was, but utterly useless in a fight."
***************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight up, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
********************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun . . ' "
***************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
LockOut
New Member
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
sack
'From man's sweat and God's love, beer came to be.
A guy goes into a tavern with his monkey sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender brings him his drink and starts small talk with his customer.
The monkey starts running around and grabs three olives and pops them in his mouth, then he grabs some cherries and eats them quickly. The monkey then jumps off the bar and gets on the pool table and proceeds to grab a ball and swallows it whole.
The bartender looks at the man and says,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No i didn't," the man replies.
"He just popped three olives into his mouth and swallowed them, then he grabbed some cherries and swallowed them, and then he got on the pool table and swallowed a pool ball." the bartender says.
"I'm not surprised the guy says, don't worry i'll pay for everything" and gets up pays for everything and walks out with his monkey.
A few months go by and the guy with the monkey returns to the tavern, he orders a drink and sits down at the bar. His monkey jumps on the bar puts a peanut in his butt and pops it in his mouth, the it grabs a pretzel puts it in his butt and eats it.
The bartender says"wow! Did you see the disgusting thing your monkey just did?"
The guy says"No i didn't, what did he do?"
"It grabbed a peanut put it in his butt and then it ate it, then it grabbed a pretzel put it mouth and ate that." the bartender replied.
"I'm not surprised" the guy says, " He measures everything before he eats anything since eating the poolball."
The bartender brings him his drink and starts small talk with his customer.
The monkey starts running around and grabs three olives and pops them in his mouth, then he grabs some cherries and eats them quickly. The monkey then jumps off the bar and gets on the pool table and proceeds to grab a ball and swallows it whole.
The bartender looks at the man and says,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No i didn't," the man replies.
"He just popped three olives into his mouth and swallowed them, then he grabbed some cherries and swallowed them, and then he got on the pool table and swallowed a pool ball." the bartender says.
"I'm not surprised the guy says, don't worry i'll pay for everything" and gets up pays for everything and walks out with his monkey.
A few months go by and the guy with the monkey returns to the tavern, he orders a drink and sits down at the bar. His monkey jumps on the bar puts a peanut in his butt and pops it in his mouth, the it grabs a pretzel puts it in his butt and eats it.
The bartender says"wow! Did you see the disgusting thing your monkey just did?"
The guy says"No i didn't, what did he do?"
"It grabbed a peanut put it in his butt and then it ate it, then it grabbed a pretzel put it mouth and ate that." the bartender replied.
"I'm not surprised" the guy says, " He measures everything before he eats anything since eating the poolball."
sack
'From man's sweat and God's love, beer came to be.
A guy goes into a tavern with his monkey sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender brings him his drink and starts small talk with his customer.
The monkey starts running around and grabs three olives and pops them in his mouth, then he grabs some cherries and eats them quickly. The monkey then jumps off the bar and gets on the pool table and proceeds to grab a ball and swallows it whole.
The bartender looks at the man and says,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No i didn't," the man replies.
"He just popped three olives into his mouth and swallowed them, then he grabbed some cherries and swallowed them, and then he got on the pool table and swallowed a pool ball." the bartender says.
"I'm not surprised the guy says, don't worry i'll pay for everything" and gets up pays for everything and walks out with his monkey.
A few months go by and the guy with the monkey returns to the tavern, he orders a drink and sits down at the bar. His monkey jumps on the bar puts a peanut in his butt and pops it in his mouth, the it grabs a pretzel puts it in his butt and eats it.
The bartender says"wow! Did you see the disgusting thing your monkey just did?"
The guy says"No i didn't, what did he do?"
"It grabbed a peanut put it in his butt and then it ate it, then it grabbed a pretzel put it mouth and ate that." the bartender replied.
"I'm not surprised" the guy says, " He measures everything before he eats anything since eating the poolball."
The bartender brings him his drink and starts small talk with his customer.
The monkey starts running around and grabs three olives and pops them in his mouth, then he grabs some cherries and eats them quickly. The monkey then jumps off the bar and gets on the pool table and proceeds to grab a ball and swallows it whole.
The bartender looks at the man and says,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No i didn't," the man replies.
"He just popped three olives into his mouth and swallowed them, then he grabbed some cherries and swallowed them, and then he got on the pool table and swallowed a pool ball." the bartender says.
"I'm not surprised the guy says, don't worry i'll pay for everything" and gets up pays for everything and walks out with his monkey.
A few months go by and the guy with the monkey returns to the tavern, he orders a drink and sits down at the bar. His monkey jumps on the bar puts a peanut in his butt and pops it in his mouth, the it grabs a pretzel puts it in his butt and eats it.
The bartender says"wow! Did you see the disgusting thing your monkey just did?"
The guy says"No i didn't, what did he do?"
"It grabbed a peanut put it in his butt and then it ate it, then it grabbed a pretzel put it mouth and ate that." the bartender replied.
"I'm not surprised" the guy says, " He measures everything before he eats anything since eating the poolball."
in2xshp
Banned
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
Jinxedwarrior
New Member
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor .'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart !
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart !
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Texas and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Carolina "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says "$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Carolina "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says "$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
sack
'From man's sweat and God's love, beer came to be.
A couple who were married for fifty years are sitting at the breakfast table.
The wife says, "I can't believe we've been married fo fifty years."
"Yeah, we were probably sitting right here having breakfast at this table." repliies the old man.
The wife says "we were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird."
The old man nods with a smile on his face.
The wife says "why don't we take off our clothes and relive the good old days."
The old couple strip off their clothes and sit down at the morning breakfast table.
The wife says "You know i still have the hots for you, my nipples are burning with love right now."
The old man replies " I don't doubt it, one of your nipples is in the coffee and the other in the oatmeal."
The wife says, "I can't believe we've been married fo fifty years."
"Yeah, we were probably sitting right here having breakfast at this table." repliies the old man.
The wife says "we were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird."
The old man nods with a smile on his face.
The wife says "why don't we take off our clothes and relive the good old days."
The old couple strip off their clothes and sit down at the morning breakfast table.
The wife says "You know i still have the hots for you, my nipples are burning with love right now."
The old man replies " I don't doubt it, one of your nipples is in the coffee and the other in the oatmeal."
anvil
Distant Member
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'