Horse
Member 200
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2001
- Messages
- 2,981
ONE SMART SENIOR CITIZEN!! CHALK ONE UP FOR THE OLD FOLKS HOORAY FOR HER!!
The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was
sent to a bank by a 90 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank's service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even
further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy,
if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client
The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was
sent to a bank by a 90 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank's service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even
further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy,
if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client
