stogieman
" Herf King "
" HOW TO POOP AT WORK"
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always! Look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. It too works for the Turd Burglar.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always! Look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. It too works for the Turd Burglar.
