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Pugs Place

Pugman1943

Pugman1943

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
8,325
Location
Duncanville, TX (near Dallas)
Welcome to Pugs Place. Jonsey made a suggestion, seconded by a number of BOTLs, and here it is. If any of you would like to donate to this, please EM me or pop a private note. Hopefully we can have some fun, lighten a tough day and put a smile on your kisser ( a scary thought in some cases ). Thanks



*********. below credit to Undegreed. ***********

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

 The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

 Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

 "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

 After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 "Yes?" said the Instructor.

 "I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
Onions and Xmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'. 

'Onions?' 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there? 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50's, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

 'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.
 
THE GOLFER

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a  middle-aged woman  about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really BAD golfer".
 
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
 
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
 
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
 
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."


A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint my house".
 
 THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why wouldn't she die.?

Because everyone knows, you can't kill two birds with One stone!
 
Thanks to Duglynukem for the following:


A Mom visits her son for dinner who  lives with a girl roommate.  During the course of the meal, his  mother couldn't help but notice how  pretty his roommate was.  She had long been suspicious of a  relationship between the two, and this  had only made her more curious.  Over the course of the evening, while  watching the two interact, she started  to  wonder if there was more between him  and his  roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, his son  volunteered; I know what you must  be thinking, but I assure you,we are  just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate  came to him saying, Ever since your mother came to  dinner, I've been unable to find the  silver plate. You don't suppose she  took it, do you?"  He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email  her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :  Dear Mother:  I'm not saying that you did' take the  silver plate from my house, I'm not  saying that  you did not' take the silver plate But  the fact remains that it has been  missing ever since you were here for  dinner.
Love,  your son.

Several days later, he received an email  from his Mother which read:  Dear Son:  I'm not saying that you do sleep with  your roommate, and I'm not saying  that you do not sleep with her. But  the fact remains that if she was  sleeping in her OWN bed, she would  have found the silver plate by now,  under the pillow.

Love, Mom.
 
An eighty year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went befor the judge, the judge asked " what did you steal."

The woman replied, a can of peaches.

The judge asked " how many peaches were in the can".

The woman replied "6"

The judge then replied " then I will give you six days in jail".

Before the judge could pronounce the sentence, the husband spoke up. " She also stole a can on peas".

 
 
 
 
***** A Special Salute to Our Vets *****

 

If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which taps was played; this brings out a new meaning of it.
 
Here is something Every American should know.  

We in the United States   have all heard the haunting song, 'Taps...' It's the song that gives us the lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes. 

But, do you know the story behind the song?  If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings.  

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Elli was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia . The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. 

During the night, Captain Elli heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a   Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment..  

When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.  

The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army.  

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted.

The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. 

The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate.  

But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. 

The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform.  

This wish was granted.  

The haunting melody, we now know as 'Taps' used at military funerals was born.  

The words are: 

Day is done. 
Gone the sun. 
From the lakes  
From the hills.   
From the sky. 
All is well.   
Safely rest.   
God is nigh. 

Fading light. 
Dims the sight. 
And a star. 
Gems the sky. 
Gleaming bright.   
From afar.   
Drawing nigh.   
Falls the night. 

Thanks and praise.   
For our days.   
Neath the sun   
Neath the stars.   
Neath the sky 
As we go. 
This we know.   
God is nigh 

I too have felt the chills while listening to 'Taps' but I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse.  I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if you had either so I thought I'd pass it along.  

 
A humble Thank You to all who wave served.

 

 
 
That is a very touching story, thanks for sharing it Pug.
 
And thanks especially to all the men and women whose daily sacrifice makes Independence possible in the first place.
 
Very touching story one I have not heard and I am glad to know now. I to have heard the sad sound of Taps at military funerals and its amazing how one instrument can produce such heart crushing tones.

Thanks to all who have served and given the ultimate sacrafise. Also to those who have said your good bye when the sounds of Taps rings in the background.

Paul
 
Unemployment


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. it's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely!

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.
 
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