• Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

Time for a JOKE

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

The good brother went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't. !
 
Empty seat.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event
in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, "'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to
take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
 
From a friend in Austrailia. "Daintree" is what they call the rain forest there

A good reason not to hug trees......

While walking through the Daintree a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the hell happened to you?
"He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day......"
 
coventrycat86 said:
Empty seat.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event
in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, "'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to
take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
Click to expand...

Nice one!
 
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Hey I've got another one! Who knows maybe you haven't heard this one... Try this workout :laugh:

DT

image001.jpg

image002.jpg
 
I always knew I was truly dedicated to my health. Now I can prove it! Thanks duglynukem!
 
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name Stanley,"
responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh, that's right: question time.

Who has a question?"

A little girl puts up her hand.

George points her out and asks her name

"Stephanie," she responds.

"And what is your question, Stephanie?"

"Actually, I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley...?"
 
THE LORD AND THE BIKER



A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,


"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."The Lord said,


"Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom on the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her truly happy."



The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
Medical School



First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.



The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth."



Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger.



Now learn to pay attention !!!!!!!

 
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba said, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."
 
Why do they call it PMS?































Because Mad Cow was already taken! :sign:
 
What is the difference between a golf ball and a G spot

















A man will look for a golf ball.
 
Subject: Woodchuck manners from Vermont

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. I's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1 If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need t o be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.

3 Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.


DATING (Outside the Family).

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."



WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in
the sack.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE..

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A Woodchuck MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.


Doc.
Native Vermonter______________________________________________________________________
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top