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Time for a JOKE

"What they Really Mean"

What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe
case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new
furniture, new wallpaper...
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really
going to hate
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!



What a man says, what he really means...

- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
- Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are
you going through now?
- You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look
different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin'
dress and let's go!
 
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips
 
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips
 
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips
 
For anyone who ever thought about cheating on an exam.......

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic
Chemistry.
They did so well on all the midterm's and labs, etc., that each had an
"A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the
finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to
Canberra and party with some friends there.

They had a great time.
However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning
of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor
AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained
that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for
the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but unfortunately,
they had a flat tyre on the way back, and that they couldn't get help
for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their
final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They
studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them
to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something
simple about free radical formation.

"Cool" they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be
easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

See below .....























Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?
 
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's
Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God,the arthritis is gone," he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years iscompletely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers ...
"F*** off, mate. I'm on workers comp."
 
Little Johnny is at it again.


The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today. " Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I
want to get outta here. I'm clever, that answer's mine!"

The teacher asked, "Who said "Four Score and Seven Years Ago?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln,"
The teacher said, "That’s right, Susie, you can go."

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said,
“I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin
Luther King." The teacher said, "That’s right, Mary, you can go." Johnny
was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said "Ask not, what your country can do for
you?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The
teacher said, "That’s right, Nancy, you can go." Johnny was fuming. Nancy
had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had
kept their mouths shut." The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?"
Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!"
 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light," The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"
"Yes, I do. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the
house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about
being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
 
Hey Blair,

Actually I just have SO MUCH material that's been sent to me over the years, I'm just trying to share the fun.

Some of these are real classics and due to the fact that I'm starting to lose my mind, I laugh like crazy when I see them again as I've completely forgotten them!

Here's another one:

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
 
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
 
Okay last one for now:

An old cowboy was sitting at the bar drinking his shots & beer.
A nice looking young woman sat next to him and asked:
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He said, "Yep, guess I am M'amm. Been riding and herding cattle, fixin
fences, breakin ponies on the ranch all my life."
She said curtly. "I'm a lesbian".
He said "Eh what?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. All I do is think of women. When I get up. When
I shower. When I go to bed. Women always on my mind."
She left soon and a couple took her place. The woman said: "You a real
cowboy?"
He said "Well, I thought I was .... but I just learned I'm a lesbian."
 
coventrycat86 said:
Hey Blair,

Actually I just have SO MUCH material that's been sent to me over the years, I'm just trying to share the fun.
Click to expand...
I know. I was just kidding with ya'. Your jokes are what this thread is for.

GAME ON!
 
Thanks Blair, I knew that and this reply to your reply to my reply gives me another opportunity to post pad! :D :D :D

THANKS!!
 
three guys are walking down the street.
one of them turns into a bar.
the other two say"hey!! neat trick!!" :sign:
 
A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. After swimming for a few hours, the magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another, and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer: "OK," she said, "I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"
 
STAFF DESCRIPTIONS

Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office

Great Presentation Skills...................Able to shoot the bull

Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee..............................Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified....Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority..............Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially...............................Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially...............Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker...........Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking....................Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker......................Won't make a decision

Aggressive........................................Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs....Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well...................Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail................A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities.......Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgement.........................Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor............Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded.................................Back Stabber

Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else
 
RED NECK SEX TEST

1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[ True ] or [ False ]

2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
[ True ] or [ False ]

3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[ True ] or [ False ]

4.) Vagina is a medical term used to
describe a Heart Attack.
[ True ] or [ False ]

5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
[ True ] or [ False ]

6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[ True ] or [ False ]

7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
[ True ] or [ False ]

8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[ True ] or [ False ]

9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[ True ] or [ False ]

10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[ True ] or [ False ]

11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[ True ] or [ False ]

12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[ True ] or [ False ]

13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
[ True ] or [ False ]

14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[ True ] or [ False ]

15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[ True ] or [ False ]

16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
[ True ] or [ False ]

17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a
church choir.
[ True ] or [ False ]

18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[ True ] or [ False ]

19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[ True ] or [ False ]

20.) An erection is when Japanese people
vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]

21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle
East.
[ True ] or [ False ]

22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast
growing grass.
[ True ] or [ False ]

23.) Pornography is the business of making
records.
[ True ] or [ False ]

24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish
origin.
[ True ] or [ False ]

25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[ True ] or [ False ]
 
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