Secret Santa
CEO, North Pole Inc.
BREAKING NEWS: SANTA IS ON THE RUN Every TV in the country suddenly switches to an Emergency Alert:
BEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEP.
"This is not a drill. Santa Claus has escaped containment."
News anchors are sweating.
Reporters are shouting over the sound of sleigh bells.
A helicopter cam catches Santa sprinting across a rooftop yelling:
“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIIIIIVE, YOU FESTIVE FOOLS!!”
Mrs. Claus is at a podium with the FBI behind her, pinching the bridge of her nose like she has a migraine powered by 200 years of Christmas stress.
But even amid the chaos, Santa grabs the nearest broadcast camera and SCREAMS:
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QUESTION ONE:HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD LITTLE BOY THIS YEAR?!
Answer carefully—
because your response is being televised NATIONWIDE.
The Naughty List has been classified by the Pentagon.
The Nice List is being analyzed by forensic elves.
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QUESTION TWO:WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS—NOW THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS WATCHING?!
A toy?
A gadget?
A life-changing object that may or may not violate several international treaties?
Santa has access to the vaults.
Santa is UNSTOPPABLE.
Santa is BAREFOOT AND RUNNING ON ADRENALINE.
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QUESTION THREE:Is there a Mrs. Russell or any mini Russells who also require gifts before this turns into a full-blown holiday manhunt?
Santa needs names.
Santa needs requests.
Santa needs to deliver presents before the National Guard blocks off the chimneys.
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FINAL, CRITICAL, EARTH-SHAKING QUESTION:WHAT. DO. YOU. DRINK?
Because Santa is being chased across three states.
His beard is flapping like a flag of pure chaos.
He hasn’t had a sip of liquid since the cookie incident of 6:42 PM.
Water?
Whiskey?
Eggnog?
Straight-up rocket fuel?
(He’s eyeing the sleigh like he’d drink it.)
TELL SANTA.
THE WORLD IS WATCHING.
THE SPOTLIGHT IS ON YOU NOW.
THE HOLIDAY FATE OF THE NATION DEPENDS ON YOUR ANSWER.
@wrussell46