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Fuck cookies, I want that!

I’m going to start sending you Christmas lists.

Caine. It’s not just snow up here. Something has to pay for this operation.

You’d be amazed how often this is asked for.

I often get asked how do I get it done in one night? This is my answer: my playlist is Wizards in Winter, on repeat and coke. Lots of coke. That’s how the shit gets done.

That shit looks like my sleigh.

I don't know who this guy Gary is, but it took me weeks to find that damn ashtray, and you're giving him props! F*ck him. Smh. Guess what you're getting this year for Christmas? 💩

<makes a note on the naughty list> 🎅🏻

Happy birthday Ben

Santa went. Maybe you should have picked a job with better international travel, like mine.

I won!

Elf, obviously.

Hey, I heard John Fields buys 30+ year old, crusty cigars! Maybe you can sell them to him. 🎅

Happy Birthday Brother!! Make it a special day today, you deserve it!

Glad everything arrived safely. Enjoy the New Year.

About damn time.

Wow that's mean a lot too me. I really tried my best to make you happy and am so touched. You deserve every bit of it and more.

So glad it finally got there and you liked it. Still have one more gift for you but didn't want to mail it till this package arrived. I have to send you another package soon anyway so if ok with you I will just send it with that.

Claim submitted. Fuck, the USPS really makes it hard to submit a claim. Fuck those guys. Next pandemic, I'm only using UPS.

About time lol USPS expected arrival by 9:00pm for item 9405503699300203103590. Latest status Out for Delivery 01/04/2021 6:10am RANCHO CUCAMONGA CA 91737 Reply STOP to cancel