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**** Edicion Limitada ****

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession....to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts....but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...
 
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He ]told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
"I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
"He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first..."
 
"How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in the beautiful lady's ear.
"I'm afraid," she said, "That my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation."
"I don't get it," he said.
"Right !! " she replied.
 
:D  ROFLMAO  :D

Superb Gentlemen!!!

Well, we have almost seventeen hours to go in this contest. Then, Judge Pete will take all of these great jokes (mine excluded) and make the difficult decisions that judge's make. I sure would not want to be in his position.... :0

Good luck to all of the contestants!
 
The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.
"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
 
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I naver ate cats"
 
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
 
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How the hell should I know we are 200 miles inland!" and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over & asked, "sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know - some dumb ass asking if the coast was clear."
 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!”
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”
Finally the guy interrupts, “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”
 
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says “It’s gotta be the booze, I’m always drunk “ The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy’s thinking, “Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.
The second guy says, “It’s the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.” The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door.
The third man said “It’s gotta be the weed, I’m always tokin’ up” The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can’t believe it.He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. “I’ll never drink again!”, he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in “I’m gay!” he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed.
The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek… “You got a light, Man.”
 
Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
 
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,"I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
 
Jill: What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?
Mary: Of course he is! He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.
 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper.....
 
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do.

What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man". Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
 
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
 
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
 
A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
 
One day, a blonde wan caught in a hailstorm. By the time she got home, there were dents the size of golf balls in her car. The next day, she took her car down to the panel beaters and asked if he could fix it.
The panel beater, seeing she was a blonde decided to have a little fun with her. So he said, "If you want to save a few bucks, instead of me doing it for you, go home and fix it yourself."

"How do I do that?" asked the blonde.

"Well," replied the panel beater, "You simply blow up the exhaust pipe, and all the dents will pop out."

"Cool, thanks," says the blonde, and drives home. When she gets home, she sets to work trying to remove the dents. When her flatmate, who is also a blonde, comes home a few minutes later, the first blonde is out of breath.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the flatmate.

"Well," the first blonde replies, trying to sound smart, "by blowing up the exhaust pipe, I can rid my car off all these dents!"

"Gosh you're stupid!" says the flatmate. "No wonder you cant do it - you need to put the windows up first!"
 
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