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Favorite funny sayings.....

it puts the lotion on it's skin

ever seen the bottom of a shallow grave

wanna earn a quarter

what do ya tell a woman with 2 black eyes....nothing! she didn't listen the 1st two times

first thing a women does when she leaves the batters ladies shelter....dishes if she knows what good for her
 
Ouch.

I'm going to Hell because I'm still laughing...
 
Women. Can't live with them, can't kill them. (with apologies to Tom Arnold)

Alcohol never solves any problems, but neither does milk.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
 
You know what they say; see a broad to get that booty yak 'em, leg her down and smack 'em yak 'em.
 
"If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards"
"Women get boob jobs, botox, perrmanents, makeup, and then have the audacity to say they want a real man"
"I knew shit stunk, but I did not know it could make noise" (said to a phucktard)
 
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

(when someone steps on your foot) Just because I walk on my feet doesn't mean you have to.
 
If I wanted to hear your opinion, I'd take the ducktape off your mouth!
 
I'd say I'm sorry,.......... but I'm not!
This is my give a shit meter.....It's bouncing on empty....(While holding thumb and index figer out and touching together)
Excuse me! Was I in your way!? (To someone rudely cutting in front of me at the soda fountain...... Wife about fell on the floor laughing)
 
"Just put that anywhere." or "Just go ahead and put that wherever you want." (when someone drops something; the more they drop the better.) I'm sure that's from a movie or something, but I don't remember.
 
Tell your breast to stop staring at my eyes!
 
Someone who says man I wish I ..... "Well you can wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see what gets filled first." Love this line from Grumpy old Men.

Favorite Homer Simpson Line. "Beer: The cause of and solution to all of lifes problems"
 
There are not nearly enough Beavis and Butthead references in this thread:

'You know what, Beavis, you just can't polish a turd'
'It's like a tattoo of a butt, on a butt on your butt' - explaining infinity
'I am pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future'

I use the Princess Bride's "Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? ..... MORONS" quite a bit.
 
I like to describe a large amount as a metric sh## ton.
 
By LM Barnette aka big Mac, my papaw, God rest his soul: A dumbass might as well have too ass holes. The second one on his face.

He also threatened my dad one day and told him: When I get threw kickin your ass, we're both going to the hospital so they can dig my foot out.
 
I teach young doctors in residency....

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
 
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