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Favorite funny sayings.....

When someone asks - "What do you think?" responding with - "Hard telling, not caring"

Guy at work always quotes his wife from when they were young - "I don't care if I can't get pregnant, Im not swallowing it!"

Someone asks you something obvious - "Is the Pope, Catholic ?"

I use this one at work often. When someone gets frustrated and says "F*cker! " I always respond - "You F*ck her... You brought her!"

Those damn "Free Beer Tomorrow" signs in bars. Always gets me. . .
 
I've got to remember a lot of these. It's great being a smart ass. Thanks for the response.
 
When I can't get my employees to have a sense of urgency - "Like Bunny Rabbits With A Purpose!"
 
"You can't make this stuff up."

"You can't buy entertainment like this."

Both of those are used frequently at work. The first one is our office motto.
 
We have a word for that in the Army its "Pussy"

Usually said when someone complains......

or when we feel that Sexual Harassment is at an all time low....

Tim
 
When she walks, her butt looks like two bulldogs fighting in a croker sack.

This is harder than a preachers dick.

He/she's uglier than pootin in church.

That smells like bag of DAMN!

That stinks like sack full of ass holes.

That would knock a buzzard of a gut wagon.

That would gag a maggot!

It might be short, but three inches at 100 mph will get the job done.
 
I may not be able to reach bottom but I will reek havoc on the sides

Women and cats will do as they please and mend and dogs should just get used to it

Looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes all the way to the bone, and that is one boney looking woman
 
One my dad always said when we worked together with someone who was not worth a damn " Buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth!"

Another classic he said about quiting a job without 2 weeks notice " They won't give 2 weeks notice when they fire you!"
 
Starts out with "Hey, hold my beer and watch this"

Ohhh, that is going to leave a mark......
 
You can tell the difference between a fairy tale and an old war story by the way they begin:
A fairy tale startes out with "Once upon a time"
A war story startes with " This ain't no sh#@!"

I'm nervous as a whore in church

It's so cold, it'd freeze the balls off a brass monkey

Speaking of monkeys "That looks like two monkeys fornicating a basketball"

The first and most repeated lie ever told (normally by persons of the female gender) "I've never done that before"
 
Go and drink some concrete and harden the f@ck up.

Same sh#t different day.

If I had half a brain I would be twice as smart as you.

You remind me of myself when I was young and " STUPID "
 
When they were handing out brains, you thought they said trains, and asked for a slow one.

The only thing more overrated than natural child birth is the joy of owning your own business.

So what did you do after lunch? (said to someone that just explained how busy they've been all day)
 
Im dry as a popcorn fart in a dust storm When thirsty
Dont buy the cow when you can get the milk for free Advice on woman


Don
 
When someone has "retrospect" on the golf course I am famous for saying, "If if's and but's were lipped out putts, we'd all shoot 69!"
 
If if's and but's were candy and nuts we would all have a happy holiday.

If if was a fifth we would all be drunk
 
*when someone is complaining about something*
Me - "I'll be over to your house in the morning!'
Them - "What for?"
Me - "So I can help you build that bridge, so you can f*ckin' get over it."


"He's so confused, doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass."
 
The only reason you get lost in thought is because you're in unfamiliar territory.
 
Build a bridge and get over it.
You need a tissue for that issue?
You want some cheese to go with that whine?
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 
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