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Joke

Allofus123

Allofus123

Here ducky, ducky, ducky!
Joined
Aug 25, 2001
Messages
3,869
This is a political joke so if you are sensitive to this kind of ribbing turn back now. This was copied from another cigar board......



A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's my fault

:D :sign: :D
 
Variations of this joke have been around for years - but it's still good.

I like the computer version myself (being a programmer):

A Police Helicopter is moving slowly through a socked in Seattle when it suffers a mission computer failure and the Navigational Aides go down. Trying to find the airport to execute a safe landing (because rooftop landings in the weather would *not* be good) he slowly and carefully descends watching for buildings. A large building looms before him so he pulls next to it and his Co-pilot holds up a sign asking "Were are we" the workers inside scribble furiously, then hold up a sign saying "In a helicopter" then laugh furiously.

The pilot quickly banks awayfrom the building and sets down at teh airfield 10 minutes later. When asked how he found his way back, he relates the story then adds "When I saw the sign it occured to me that the information was both utterly correct and utterly useless, so it had to be Microsoft. Then I just followed the roads back."
 
Very Nice. Here's another.

There is a little girl with a box of 5 puppies for sale. She has a sign on the front of the box that says "Democratic Puppies for sale". Hillary walks by and sees the sign and promises the little girl to come back next week and buy one of the Democratic Puppies.

A week later Hillary approaches the little girl, but is shocked to see the word 'Democratic' crossed out and the word 'Republican' in its place. Hillary alarmingly asks the girl why they are now Republican Puppies. The little girl smiles and replies, "They've opened their eyes".

M. Gipson
 
A little girl is sitting on her dad's lap . She looks up at him and ask's "Daddy do all fairy tails start with once upon a time". "Why no dear ," her dad replied, "Some fairy tails start with "And if im elected"".
 
Here we go, I'm gonna get banned :D :sign:

The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers
.
The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.


Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women.


Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.


Over the years, conservatives became to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.


Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.


Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.


Here ends the lesson in world history.
 
I doubt that would ban you CC, but there was one problem with the story (though I agree with 98% of it)

Our fore-fathers were considered the "liberals" when starting our country, that's why the resisted the Crown.

On another note - (not so much a joke as a puzzle)

1,11,21,1211,111221,________?

Who can name the next nember in sequence? What is it?
(Hints will be provided each day no answer is forth coming)
 
coventrycat86 said:
Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.


Here ends the lesson in world history.
Click to expand...
So CC, this proves you're a liberal. You aren't a big-game hunter, rodeo cowboy, lumber jack, construction worker, medical doctor, police officer, corporate executive, soldier, athlete or generally work productively outside government. You produce little or nothing and some people think you're a Jackass. :0 :0 :p

If the shoe fits :sign: :sign: :sign:



























Gotcha!

The next number is: 31131211131221
 
PuroBrat said:
31 13 11 22 21 23 21 12 11 13 12 21 13 12 11 32 11
Click to expand...
I don't think so PB, I say it's:

31 13 11 22 21 23 21 12 11 22 21 13 12 11 32 11

111 - 31
3 - 13
1 - 11
22 -22
11 -21
33 -23
11 -21
2 -12
1 -11
22 -22
11 -21
3 -13
2 -12
1 -11
222 -32
1 -11
 
Riddle anybody - since that was obviously too easy.....

The wind I block or bend to it's might
I'll not be broken without fire's sweet kiss
The seeing shall not, but the blind I give sight
The waters greet me, but in my sea the waters you'll miss
 
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