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Morning Chuckle

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be Woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg', replied God.

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

And the rest is history....
 
Did you know that Viagra comes in spray form?
It's for d@ckheads!
 
Michael Jackson tried to commit suicide last night by drowning in a lake.
Coast Guard found him this morning bobbing up and down on a small buoy.
 
sack said:
Michael Jackson tried to commit suicide last night by drowning in a lake.
Coast Guard found him this morning bobbing up and down on a small buoy.
Click to expand...

You're not related to Rebel Herfer, are you? :sign:
 
The old guy is walking through the woods and comes upon a small stream, he stops to enjoy the sense of serenity when he spots a small frog. He bends down to look at the frog, and the frog says" kiss me and i'll turn into a beautiful blonde". The old guy stares hard at the frog, but says nothing, just stares intently. " Kiss me and i'll turn into a beautiful blonde" the frog replies again. The old guy reaches down and puts the small frog in his pocket and starts walking. "Did you hear what i said"? says the frog, "Kiss me and i'll turn into a beautiful blonde" The old guy looks at the frog in his pocket and says"At my age i'd rather have a talking frog".
 
Man calls home and a woman answers the phone.
"Who is this"? asks the man.
"I'm the maid" replies the woman.
"But we don't have a maid, where's my wife"? the man asks.
"She's upstairs making love with who i thought was her husband" answers the maid.
This upsets the man and asks the maid" you want to make 50 thousand dollars?
"What do i have to do" asks the maid.
"Go to my desk and get my gun, go upstairs and shoot them both"replies the man.
The man hears steps going up the stairs and two shots.
The maid comes back and asks" What do i do with the bodies?
"Throw them in the pool" answers the maid.
"But theres no pool here" answers the maid.
"Oops! says the man, is this 555-1234?
 
Here's one about one of our favorite cigar aficionado's...


Monica Lewinsky was walking along when she found a magic lamp.
She rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. Because of inflation,
the genie offered her only one wish.

"Hmmmm." Thought Monica. "I already have wealth, and I already
have more fame than I ever wanted, so I guess what I really want
is for you to get rid of my 'love-handles'.

"Your wish is my command," said the genie.

....POOF ! Her ears were gone.
 
An American is vacationing in Spain and is eating at a sidewalk cafe, he notices that the table next to him is served a scrumptious and appetizing smelling dish. He calls the waiter over and asks him about the great smelling dish. The waiter replies " ahh! senor, you have great taste, that is a serving of bull's balls. Momentarily taken aback, he decides to throw caution to the wind and tells the waiter that he would like a serving of the fabulous smelling dish. "I sorry senor, as there is only one bull kill in a day, you must put your order in advance". The tourist puts his order in right away for the next day.
The next evening he returns to the restaurant and sits at the same table where the waiter brings him his meal that smells just a fabulous as the night before. But he notices the his serving ia a bit smaller then the night before and asks the waiter about it. "I'm sorry senor, but sometimes the bull wins.
 
He walks into the kitchen for some coffee and there she is in the only wearing the tee shirt she sleeps in. She turns around and says "i want you to make love to me as hard as you can, right now! He can't believe his good luck and proceeds to do what comes naturally. Afterwards he ask her about her offer and she answers "the egg timer is broken".
 
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is
very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God,am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"
 
An older man is sitting on the curb looking down at the curb. Hia next door neighbor sees him and tries several times to start a conversation to no avail. Finally he asks the man "why so down in the face"? The man says "I just got in trouble with one of those questions that women ask once in a while, my wife asked me if i would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly. The neighbor answers " that's easy, all you say is of course i will". "Well, the old man says, i wanted to say that, but instead i said"of course i do.
 
Woman is being examed by her doctor when he notices a large T on her chest, and asks her how it got there. "Oh! My boyfriend goes to Texas University and he likes to wear his sweater when he makes love to me." The doctor nods and finishes his exam. The next women comes in for her exam and the doctor notices a large H on her chest and asks her what it stands for. The woman says " my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when he makes love to me." The doctor nods understandingly. The next woman that the doctor examines has a large M on her chest and the doctor says "your boyfriend must go to Michigan" The woman says "No! He goes to Wisconsin".
 
Guy buys a new motorcycle and the dealer tells him to buy a container of vaseline in case he has to drive in the rain, so he does. Later that day he picks up his new girlfriend and takes her to her folks house to meet them. She warns him not to say a word or he will have to do the dishes, it seems weird to him but he agrees. When they go in, the entire house is in shambles, everyone sits down to eat and there is nothing but silence. He gets an idea and starts to make out with his girl, but no one says a word, he then makes love to the girl and her mom and still nothing. As he finishes he notices the rain on the window so he pulls out the vaseline and the old man jumps up and says" alright i'll do the dishes!"
 
Guy goes into a bank and tells the teller" i want to open a f@#king banking account.
The teller says " pardon me sir, what did you say?
The guy says " listen up, i want to open up a f@#king banking account.
The teller runs to the bank manager and tells him the situation.
The bank manager comes to the window and asks the man what the problem is.
The guy says "i just won fifty million dollars in the lottery and i want to open a f@#king banking account!"
The bank manager says "Oh, i understand,and the b@#ch is giving you a hard time.
 
The new doctor is being given a tour of the new hospital when she notices in one room a male patient being masterbated, and she gets taken aback, and says" Good Lord why is that happening and it should stop immediately." The nurse in charge of the floor who also is leading the tour says" that man is suffering from producing too much semen and if we don't do that his testicles will explode." The new doctor thinks about it and agrees that indeed this is the proper procedure for the condition. The tour contiues and they come to a room where a nurse is on her knees using her mouth to do the exact same thing, the new doctor asks "why in the world would a nurse be doing that?" The head of the tour replies" same condition better insurance.
 
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those a$$hole$ at Home Depot ever deliver the f@ckin' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
 
My girlfriend told me that we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on makeup.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look beautiful to me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
 
A little old lady goes to the neighborhood bike club and knocks on the door, a big guy with huge arms and ink all over his arms answers the door.
"What do ya want?" he asks.
I want to join your motorcycle club, replies the little old lady.
Just to humor the old woman he asks her very seriously" do you own a bike?"
She points to a full dressed black bike on the driveway.
"Do you smoke?" the biker asks.
"Three packs a day, five joints a day and also a couple of cigars" she replies.
""Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" asks the biker.
No! She replies, "but i've been spun around by my nipple ring a few times, and i liked it".
He opened the door.
 
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