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Morning Chuckle

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died.

The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well,” the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator"
 
Two guys who haven't seen each other in a long time meet at a bar.
First guy says" long time no see, how you been?"
The second guy says " i'vebeenalright,howaboutyou?
Second guys says "great, thanks! You don't stutter anymore, what did you do?
Iwenttoseeadoctorwhenialmostgotmarried.
Why didn't you get married?
Weweresittingontheporchwhenthefamilydogstartedtolickhisballsanditoldherwhenweget
marriediwantedhertodothattome.
I don't understand, why did she get angry over that?
Becauseittookmesolongtosayitthatbythattimethedogwaslickinghisass.
 
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end, for those who are unable to think this one through.
Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting oral pleasure from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?


-



-









-





Don't look down.
 
A priest and a young, quite good-looking, nun were traveling by camel through the desert on a mission.
It was blazing hot, their supplies were running low. It had been ages since they had last
had some water, the camel included. At that point, the camel laid down, took one final breath, and died.
The priest and the nun were now stranded.
Hours pass, with no hope of rescue coming.
The priest begins to eye the nun and, thinking he should make the most out of his situation, opens his robe.
He reveals to the nun that he has no clothing on beneath his robe and, taking his manhood in hand, says:
"Sister, do you know what this is?"
"Why no father," she says demurely, "what is it?"
"This," said the priest, "...is the staff of life..."
"Oh goody!!," interrputed the nun, "ram it up that dead camel's ass and let's get out of here!"
 
Doctor Simon is known through out the region as an arthritis specialist, he is known as a man to go to when you have run out of options. The waiting room in his office is always full. One day a little old lady comes into the waiting room bent in half walking with a short cane and leaning heavily. The nurse runs and helps her to a chair where she waits for her turn. When it's her turn she goes in to see the doctor, after fifteen minutes she walks out walking straight and smiling to everyone. " It's a miracle " people are shouting "It's a miracle" "Miracle, schmiracle" the old lady exclaims, "he just gave me a longer cane"
 
The judge call both lawyers into conference " I have received a bribe from both of you, $15,000 from you Mr Leon and $10,000 from Mr Campos, i will now give back $5,000 to you Mr Leon and decide the case on it's own merits.
 
sack said:
The judge call both lawyers into conference " I have received a bribe from both of you, $15,000 from you Mr Leon and $10,000 from Mr Campos, i will now give back $5,000 to you Mr Leon and decide the case on it's own merits.
Click to expand...

The ice is suddenly getting thin. ??? :sign:




Will I live to 100

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, pot, or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do any drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?
 
It takes a bit to do this daily, and i agree, the ice is getting thin. That's why we're not on stage. :sign:
A young girl goes to the hospital in labor.
She tells the doctor that she just can't have the baby, she's too young and no way to raise the baby properly.
The doctor thinks a while and tells the girl that he has a plan.
There's a priest next door with a stomach ailment and will have to be operated on.
When the priest wakes up after surgery, the doctor tells him that he had given birth to a boy.
The priest is aqast and refuses to accept the fact, but after a bit of fast talking, the doctor convinces him that it is his child.
Fifteen years go by and the priest sits the boy down and tells him "i'm not you father, i'm your mother, the archbishop is your father.
 
The thin ice reference was intended to be a sideways jab at our lawyer BOTLs, all of whom have a wonderful sense of humor (right? ??? ).

And here's my morning entry:

The differences between prison and work:

PRISON - You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK - You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle

PRISON - You get three fully paid for meals a day
WORK - You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it

PRISON - For good behavior, you get time off
WORK - For good behavior, you get more work

PRISON - The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK - You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

PRISON - You can watch TV and play games
WORK - You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

PRISON - You get your own toilet
WORK - You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

PRISON - They allow your family and friends to visit
WORK - You aren't even supposed to speak to your family on the phone

PRISON - All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
WORK - You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

PRISON - You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK - You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

PRISON - You must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK - They are called 'managers'


Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read jokes!!!!
 
Prison Mike says that the worst thing about prison was the - was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt! Also, the food in prison...gruel... sandwiches, gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus you can eat your own hair.

1424235365_719fa06a51_o.png










gtadroptop said:
The thin ice reference was intended to be a sideways jab at our lawyer BOTLs, all of whom have a wonderful sense of humor (right? ??? ).

And here's my morning entry:

The differences between prison and work:

PRISON - You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK - You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle

PRISON - You get three fully paid for meals a day
WORK - You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it

PRISON - For good behavior, you get time off
WORK - For good behavior, you get more work

PRISON - The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK - You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

PRISON - You can watch TV and play games
WORK - You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

PRISON - You get your own toilet
WORK - You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

PRISON - They allow your family and friends to visit
WORK - You aren't even supposed to speak to your family on the phone

PRISON - All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
WORK - You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

PRISON - You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK - You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

PRISON - You must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK - They are called 'managers'


Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read jokes!!!!
Click to expand...
 
Let's get back to our humor my brothers!
A woman on a cruise sit down at the bar and orders a scotch and two drops of water,the bartender happily serves her the drink.
The woman says outloud, " Here's to my 80th birthday"
The bartender says" Happy birthday and let me buy you that drink for your 80th birthday"
"Thank you!" says the woman and proceeds to gulp the drink down.
The man to her left says " i'll buy you your next drink for your birthday" and after thanking him she orders another scotch with two drops of water.
She promtly downs her drink and the woman to her right say "this one is on me for your birthday".
The older woman thanks her and the bartender says " one scotch with two drops of water coming up, and would you tell me why you order that specific drink?"
The woman says" at my age you know how to handle your liquor, but you lose control of your water".
 
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
 
The school took all the 2nd, third, and 4th graders on a field trip to the local horse racing track. After walking all over and seeing all the horses and meeting some of the staff the kids started to squirm and complaining about the need to go to the washroom. It was agreed that one teacher went with the girls and the other with the boys, but the boys started to complain that the urinals were too high for them and needed help. So the teacher goes inside and hoists all the boys up so they can do their business, after a few boys the teacher can't help but notice that one boy is well endowedand says "you must be in the 5th grade" The boy says " no 'mam, im the jockey in the seventh race.
 
Why, Why, Why ?


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 
A mother and her seven year old son were flying on a passenger airline, and the boy is looking out the window and his mind is wandering.
The boy turns to his mother and asks "if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why can't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
Mom turns around and thinks about it and says " i don't know, but why don't you go ask the stewardess."
The boy goes to the front and asks the stewardess "if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, can big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The stewardess asks the boy "did you ask your mother, and she told you to ask me?"
The boy resonded with a "yes."
The stewardess says" tell your mother that American Airlines always pulls out on time, now go have her explain that to you."
 
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
 
Two blondes sitting on the beach.
First one says "which is further, Florida or the moon?"
Second one responds "Helllloooooo, can you see Florida?"
 
When Bob came home, he found his wife sobbing.
"What's wrong?" asks Bob.
"Your mother insulted me!" she cried.
"But how can that be, she's on vacation on the other side of the earth." replies Bob
"A letter came today for you and being curious i opened it, at the end of the letter she wrote, Please make sure you show the letter to my son Diane."
 
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