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Morning Chuckle

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door; pet nose height.


Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
 
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'but why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

:rolleyes:

(Yeah I know, this joke should get me banned from CP)
 
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified."
 
Good one. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :thumbs:
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 
Son: "Dad. That dentist that advertizes himself as painless, isn't."
Dad: "Why, did he hurt you?"
"No. But he cried out in pain when i bit him."
 
sack said:
Son: "Dad. That dentist that advertizes himself as painless, isn't."
Dad: "Why, did he hurt you?"
"No. But he cried out in pain when i bit him."
Click to expand...

:rolleyes:

That wasn't quite the 'groaner' that the Little Piggy' joke was, but you're definitely in the same neighborhood. :laugh:
 
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
 
The Korean war, in which the Marines fought and won some of it's most brutal battles, was not without it's gallow humor. During one such conflict a ROK commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major attack on his sector.
"How many men are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many men! replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the Colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many men!"
"X*#dammit!," screamed the Colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over the air. "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many men you got up there attacking you?"
"Colonel, we got a whole shithouse of men up here attacking!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the Colonel, At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"
 
A man was sppeding down the highway and passed a state trooper. The trooper hit his lights and took pursuit. The man hit the gas and tryed speeding away. The trooper finaly gaot the man to pull the car over. Tired from a long shift and aggrivated at the man for trying to run, he walked up to the car and said," Sir, I only have 30 minutes left on my shift, and for the speed you were going and trying to elude me it will cause at least 2 hrs of paper work. If you can give me an excuse as to why you were gioing so fast that I havn't hears, then I will let you go free." The man thought for a second. " Officer, my wife left me for a Trooper 5 years ago, and I thought he was trying to return her." The trooper handed his licence back to the man and said " Have a nice Day."
 
As i grow in age, i value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And , it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in whom she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you think about her or what or what she's doing.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her woman friends. A younger woman with a man will ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with the other woman. Women over 50 couldn't care less if you are attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women over 50 get psychic as hey age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.
A women over 50 looks good wearing red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a couple of wrinkles, a woman over 50 is far sexier then her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They will tell you right off if you are a jerk or are acting like one. You never have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marrige, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage. :laugh:
 
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."
 
A blonde city girl marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
 
A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming from the chimney. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"
The man said, "I've been lost for past three weeks and haven't eaten a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if i could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man replied, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. I promise i won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man replied, Okay, but if i do catch you then i'll give you the three worst torture tests ever known to man."
"Okay, Okay", the man said as he entered the old house.
That night, the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, amd while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex.The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes from each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself , Any three torture test would be worth it after that experience."
The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was a huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test:100-pound rock on chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test:right testicle tighted to rock."
The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."
 
Best Hunting Dog I ever had.

Two old friends, Ed and Bart are out duck hunting. Ed can't wait to show off Gus, his new hunting dog. As they get close to the first lake Ed can't stop bragging,

"This is the smartest, fastest, best behaved hunting dog I've ever had. Watch this," and he commands the dog.

"Gus find ducks" as he point the dog off to the left.

Gus takes off and comes back three minutes later, sits in front of them and barks twice.

"So whats so great about that?"

"He's telling us there are two ducks off to the left."

"I don't believe it, he's just barking."

"Oh yell, watch this. Gus, find ducks" and this time he points to some trees a few hundred feet in front of them.

Gus runs off and quickly returns excited. He circles around four times, sits down and barks four times.

"See, what did I tell you, four barks and four turns, he telling us there are four ducks up ahead."

"Ah, I don't believe it, dogs can't count, he's just excited and barking."

"No, no, no, this is the best hunting do I've ever had, let me show you again. Gus, find ducks" and this time Ed points off to the right.

The dog is gone for a long time, Ed's getting anxious when he sees Gus running at full speed with a stick in his mouth. Gus goes up to Barny with the stick still in his mouth and starts humping his leg.

"Hey man, you got a sick dog, now he's humping my leg."

"I told you he was incredible. It's obvious he telling you there are more fucking ducks off to the right than you can shake a stick at!



- Rick
 
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it said.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
 
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
monks goes downstairs to look for him.

Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."
 
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the engineer, "I'll have a cold beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender replied, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind here,"
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, i wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well i was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look on top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding up the roof.
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer then came back to talk to the engineer. "I saw the flat spot on his head but i also couldn't help but noticing the bruising under his chin. "What is that all about?"
The engineer responded "Oh..... that's where we put the jack."
 
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