Point to ponder and food for thought..

[kiltedcraftsman]

Feel free to add on..


Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[AVB]

Are you sure these aren't called Wrightisms?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

 

[PuroEsq]

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Hardy Frigg'n Har! :angry:

You just couldn't resist throwing in a lawyer joke could you.

 

[AVB]

Yep, I secretly write jokes for Steven Wright in my other life.

 

[Treamayne]

Why do we drive on a Parkway and park on a Driveway?

If 7-11 is 24 hours 365, why do they have locks on the doors?

What would chairs look like if your knees bent the other way?

If you can't do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

Mediocrity: It takes half the time and effort and most people won't notice until it's too late.

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese people throw hotdogs?

If a tree falls in the wood and there is nobody to hear it, does anybody care?

-K-

 

[Emmo]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2..00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make
the Tennessee Titans

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for
their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[Cigar Hound]

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why is a boxing ring square?

How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If the plural of tooth is "teeth," why isn't the plural of booth "beeth"?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?

Can someone be a closet claustrophobic?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

If you ate pasta and antipasta at the same time, would you still be hungry?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why do most countries have only one Monopolies Commission?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made from?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa, why does it take two dollars a day to lose weight with Jenny Craig?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Are there cemetery workers that don’t work the graveyard shift?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Is there another word for "synonym"?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

What could porn actors possibly do for fun during their time off?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Why do skydivers wear helmets?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

Can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "Fours"?

Why is it called "after dark," when it is really "after light"?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

 

[Shooter]

Why doesn't a handicapped person get a ticket for parking in a non handicap parking spot?

 

[gandolf565]

If a male sheep is a ram,
and a male donkey is an ass,
why is a ram in the ass a goose ???


Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

It is the "obverse".

 

[Randyb1]

Pray for the success of atheism

 

[Treamayne]

Is a dyslexic Atheist with insomnia a person stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

 

[Corona Gigante]

Half the people you know are below average.

Not necessarily​

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese people throw hotdogs?

Whuh??? I think French Fries would make more sense, although it wouldn't be any more funny...​

Here's a couple...

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Why is it in the US the mail is delivered by the US Postal Service and in the UK the post is delivered by the Royal Mail?