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Viejo paso de los miembros

THESE OSTENSIBLY ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE ~ BUT .. THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

*************************

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

*************************

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

**************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace.

If only you could hide your face.

****************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

This describes everything you are not.

******************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace,

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

*******************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

****************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

*******************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure
is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself
.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 
TX Cowboy way

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about
the current cow prices. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman
begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his
tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the
bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it
before."
 
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off.

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered.

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood!

The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you.

He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off.

So she pulled out the shotgun and said "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off.

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said "NO!, You're going to eat me like the book says."
 
There is this Priest and Nun in the desert riding a camel and the camel dies

Thinking that they are going to die too the Priest says

"Sister, I have never seen a woman's breasts in real life , only in

paintings, can I see yours?" The Sister says "Alright"

Then the Priest says,"Sister, I have never fondled a woman's breast, can I

touch yours?" Thinking that they were going to die the sister says "O.K" and lets the Priest do his thing.

The Sister then says to the Priest "Father, I have only seen pictures of a

man's penis could I see yours?" and The Priest thinks and says "Alright"

Then the Sister says "Father, I have never fondled a man's penis. Do you think

I could fondle yours'?" The Priest says "O.K" With this the Priest starts to

get a hard on.

"You know Sister" the Priest says "this thing has been known to give life"

Sister says"So,stick it in that camel and lets get the hell out of here"

 
A little girl was outside bouncing a ball off the side of the house, when it rolled away into a rose bush. The girl reached in to get it, and stuck her hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" she screamed out.

Her mom raced to the window to see what was wrong. The girl ran inside, crying, holding her hand.

The mom asked what was wrong, and what she could do for her. The little girl explained what happened, and asked for a glass of cider.

The mom, confused, obliged, and went to the fridge, poured out the glass, and gave it to her daughter. The little girl proceeded to stick her hand right in the glass, spilling the cider everywhere.

Now, even more confused, the mom asked her what she was doing.

"Well, I heard the babysitter telling her friend that everytime she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it inside her."

Thanks for the contest!
 
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
 
A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was preparing dinner.

His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking with no comment to her husband.

As she put the dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.

While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it ont he table and begins eating with no comment to her husband.

Later on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife he noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one little corn cob?"
 
-What did the leper say to the hooker?...

-Keep the tip
 
A 3 legged cat walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and say's 'I'm lookin' for the man who shot my pa.'

2 Iraqi women were at the market. One picks up a potato and remarks 'Hmmm.....this reminds me of my husband Akbar's balls.' To which her friend exclaims 'Oh my they are that big?!?' The first woman sighs and say's 'No...they're that dirty.'

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in Saran Wrap. The doc takes one look at him and remarks 'I'm not entirely sure what the problem is, but I clearly see your nuts!'

A guy goes to the psychiatrist and tell's him 'Doc you've got to help me! I've got a song stuck in my head I can't get rid of. All day long all I can think of is What's New Pussycat. In my sleep I dream about it and during the day it won't go away. ya gotta help me, it's killin' me!!' The Doc thinks for a minute and says 'This sounds like a classic case of 'Tom Jones Syndrome.' The man gets a puzzled look on his face and asks 'Is this a common thing??' The Doc tells him 'It's not unusual'.

And, finally

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed down his pants. Bartender says 'Hey you have a steering wheel jammed down your pants'. Pirate says 'Argh and it's drivin' me nuts!'
 
Tim, package sent. :)

01038555749057155163

Enjoy!


Will be off line until late Sunday, so I will decide the winner of the joke contest then.

Hopefully... :D


Have a great weekend everyone!
 
Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black
-- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they
struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and
said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the
sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All
the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are
you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm
inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night
when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are
you at the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll
hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I
want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got
out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I
just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started
humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
Prozac for you too, huh?"

"No," said the black lab, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
 
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
 
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass," he asked one man?
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house", instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" he answered. "Bring them as
well! " answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says," Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is
almost a foot high!"
 
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"
 
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though
initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired
and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, he had to test them for worthiness They had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!!!" Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
 
A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
 
From my daughter:

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven 8 nine.
 
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
 
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