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Where's the funny?!

V

vewyphishy

The Original Smoking Fish
Joined
Sep 10, 2003
Messages
2,739
The one thing I missed the most when we lost that month of posts was the joke thread. Let's start a new one! Heck, repeat some of the old ones... they had me ripping at the seams.

I'll start!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?























Where's my tractor. :sign: :sign: :sign:

Now bring on da funny!!!
 
Outside of Dublin....

Mr. O'Malley went to the doctor and found out he was dying of cancer. He grabbed his son and went to the local watering hole to drink away some of his sorrows. They are sitting at the bar when a few of O'Malley's friends walk in. "How's everything doing the O'Malley", they ask. "Not to good there fellas" he replies. "Well what's the matter" a friend asks. "I just found out that I dying" says O'Malley. "Sorry to hear that, what from?" asks another buddy. "AIDS" replies O'Malley. They all gather around to have a drink for their dying friend and then go about there business. As the leave, O'Malley son turns to him and syas "Dad, I thought you were dying of cancer, why did you tell the AIDS?" O'Malley learns in to his son and says "I don't want any of them horny bastards sleeping with your mother when I am gone"

:D :sign: :sign: :sign:
 
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."
 
A man walking down a beach finds a majic lamp slightly sticking out of the sand. He uncovers the lamp and rubs it. Out come the genie. The genie tell the man that he has 3 wishes. However, he also tell the man the he is a Lawyer's Genie and whatever wishes for he must give twices as many to all the lawyers in the world. The guys is about to throw the Genie back due to his total disgust for lawyer. He then thinks for a minute and decides that it may not be that bad after all. For his first wish he asks for 1 billion dollars which is granted and every lawyer is given 2 billion. For his 2nd wish he asks for a Ferrari which is granted and every lawyer is given 2. Now his 3rd wish takes him a little while......Finally he says to the Genie.."I have always wanted to donate a lung" and his wish was granted

:sign: :sign: :sign:
 
hmmm. is it even possible to donate a lung?

seems like it would be pretty hard.



don't see many ads about donating a lung, just bone marrow, and kidneys.
 
I dun get it.

TOP!

Come on! Don't make me tell more of my patented jokes!

Classic "Yo mama"...

Yo mama so fat...



















She just FAT. :p

(I swear, if you guys don't start dishing out the good stuff, there's TONS more where that came from.) :sign:
 
TOP!

DARN YOU ALL. I KNOW YOU HAVE JOKES. QUIT HOLDING OUT ON ME! :angry:

2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. Which one is the prosititute?




























The one that has "I-DA-HO" on it. :D
 
2 men walk into a bar...






























don't you think the second one woulda ducked???

:sign: :sign: :sign: :sign:
 
A blind man Standing on the street has to take a piss, so he whips it out and starts going.
A buss comes by and rips his D%$k off. he falls down on the ground to find it and goes to the hospital, but the doctors can not sew it back on. he ask it he can keep it to show it off. the doctor let him keep it and after a few days he leaves the hospital.

Later he is in a bar tell the story to some friends. after telling the story.
he says" Want to see it"
they all send sure.he then sticks his hand in his pocket he pulls it out. all his friends say " you blind son of a bitch thats a cigar"
"It must be in the other pocket" he said pulling it out.
" thats another Cigar"

"OH S&@T I MUST HAVE SMOKED MY D*%K"
 
In a crowded New York City bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends
 
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