I must confess that I came across this over at the CW website, had to share. 
WAYS TO RESPOND WHEN A JERK ASKS YOU TO PUT OUT YOUR CIGAR
Especially if the jerk is telling you what to do on your own property
* "Is it the smoke that bothers you or that someone has a life with meaning?"
* "I'm just doing this to keep the jerks away. Guess it isn't working."
* “Didn’t your mother warn you about talking to strangers?”
* “Put it out? Sure. Bend over.”
* "I'll bet you're looking forward to martial law."
* "Let me know if there's anything YOU enjoy. I'll come around and ask YOU to stop."
* "Put out THIS cigar? Seems kind of silly, but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another."
* "How ironic. I lit this to keep you away."
* (To a female) "I'd love to, but I'm afraid you'd think I'm easy."
* "If I can't smoke near bed-wetting, pains-in-the-ass, where can I smoke?"
* "If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?"
* "Who died and made you the Pleasure Police?"
* "As long as we're getting rid of disgusting things, how about you leaving?"
* "Can I see some ID?"
* "My parole officer says it steadies my nerves and keeps me from going totally berserk."
* (To a female) "My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, possess two of those virtues."
* (To an obese person) “My doctor said smoking cigars helps suppress the appetite and keeps one from becoming a fat slob. Would you like his office number?”
* "If I do, upon whom shall we blame the stink?"
* (To a female) "Madam, your advances are untimely and unexpected, but not unwelcome. Perhaps after I've finished this cigar."
* (To a male) "Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar."
* "It depends. Have you got something illegal to smoke?"
* (To a male) "No one said anything about my cigar when I was fighting for our country while some men sat on their cowardly asses.”
* "I've often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?"
* (To a family with children in the smoking section of a bar/restaurant) "I assumed you liked it. After all, you made the parental decision to seat your kids in an area of smoke, alcohol and adult language.”
* "No, but I'll defend to your death your right to ask me."
* (To a small person) "Your growth is already stunted; don't worry about mine."
* "Did you see the latest medical research that says people with sensitive noses are: (to a female) sexually repressed, (to a male) sexually impotent?"
* (To an older female) "I'm sorry. I mistook you for a classy woman in her prime."
* (At a football game) "Why? Is it interfering with your enjoyment of mindless violence?" [Also suitable for hockey, wrestling or most TV.]
* "I'd like to help you out. It's just that you caught me at a bad time---I'm smoking a cigar right now."
* "God, I admire people who aren't afraid to be disliked."
* "You're the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn't be fair to the others."
* (To a female) "What a great icebreaker! I applaud your moxie. If I were of your social status, I would never dream of approaching someone like me."
* "Several people asked me to smoke this so you would leave."
* "What difference does it make? You'll still be whining, miserable pain in the rear."
* (To a female) "I can’t. All the guys say that having it lit is the only thing that keeps you from using it like Monica Lewinsky."
* “Remember the people your mother told you to beware of? I’m one of them.”
* "Why? Are you waiting around for the butt?"
* (To a lawyer) "I hope you're not singling me out. You get paid good money to torment people." [Also works with doctors and dentists.]
* (To anyone reeking of cologne) "Sure, if you'll wash off that disgusting fragrance this cigar won’t be necessary to mask that terrible odor."
* (To an indignant young female) "I like a filly with spirit."
* (To a feminist) "You've got the wrong guy. I'm neither your father nor all men."
* (In a noisy bar) Point to your watch and shout out the time.
* "I'd like to, but my greatest pleasure is pissing off people who make it their life’s mission to mind everyone else’s business."
* (At a nice restaurant) [loudly] "Hey! If you don't have any money, you should have thought of that before you ordered!"
* (Anywhere in public) [loudly] "Go peddle your child pornography somewhere else!"
* (Anywhere in public) [loudly] "No, I won't sign your petition to pardon Nazi war criminals!"
* (To a female) [loudly] "Last night at the motel you said you liked my cigar!"
* (To an older female) “My dermatologist said that smoking cigars eliminates wrinkles. You really should try it.”
* “What would it take for me to put it out? Killing yourself would be a good start."
* (The hand-out card approach) [Hand the jerk a card which reads:] "You have just made the mistake of insulting a mentally unstable person who is prone to senseless acts of violence?"
* "Any other last requests?"
:sign: :sign:
Which would you use? Anyone run into jack-booted anti-cigar health goons?
WAYS TO RESPOND WHEN A JERK ASKS YOU TO PUT OUT YOUR CIGAR
Especially if the jerk is telling you what to do on your own property
* "Is it the smoke that bothers you or that someone has a life with meaning?"
* "I'm just doing this to keep the jerks away. Guess it isn't working."
* “Didn’t your mother warn you about talking to strangers?”
* “Put it out? Sure. Bend over.”
* "I'll bet you're looking forward to martial law."
* "Let me know if there's anything YOU enjoy. I'll come around and ask YOU to stop."
* "Put out THIS cigar? Seems kind of silly, but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another."
* "How ironic. I lit this to keep you away."
* (To a female) "I'd love to, but I'm afraid you'd think I'm easy."
* "If I can't smoke near bed-wetting, pains-in-the-ass, where can I smoke?"
* "If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?"
* "Who died and made you the Pleasure Police?"
* "As long as we're getting rid of disgusting things, how about you leaving?"
* "Can I see some ID?"
* "My parole officer says it steadies my nerves and keeps me from going totally berserk."
* (To a female) "My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, possess two of those virtues."
* (To an obese person) “My doctor said smoking cigars helps suppress the appetite and keeps one from becoming a fat slob. Would you like his office number?”
* "If I do, upon whom shall we blame the stink?"
* (To a female) "Madam, your advances are untimely and unexpected, but not unwelcome. Perhaps after I've finished this cigar."
* (To a male) "Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar."
* "It depends. Have you got something illegal to smoke?"
* (To a male) "No one said anything about my cigar when I was fighting for our country while some men sat on their cowardly asses.”
* "I've often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?"
* (To a family with children in the smoking section of a bar/restaurant) "I assumed you liked it. After all, you made the parental decision to seat your kids in an area of smoke, alcohol and adult language.”
* "No, but I'll defend to your death your right to ask me."
* (To a small person) "Your growth is already stunted; don't worry about mine."
* "Did you see the latest medical research that says people with sensitive noses are: (to a female) sexually repressed, (to a male) sexually impotent?"
* (To an older female) "I'm sorry. I mistook you for a classy woman in her prime."
* (At a football game) "Why? Is it interfering with your enjoyment of mindless violence?" [Also suitable for hockey, wrestling or most TV.]
* "I'd like to help you out. It's just that you caught me at a bad time---I'm smoking a cigar right now."
* "God, I admire people who aren't afraid to be disliked."
* "You're the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn't be fair to the others."
* (To a female) "What a great icebreaker! I applaud your moxie. If I were of your social status, I would never dream of approaching someone like me."
* "Several people asked me to smoke this so you would leave."
* "What difference does it make? You'll still be whining, miserable pain in the rear."
* (To a female) "I can’t. All the guys say that having it lit is the only thing that keeps you from using it like Monica Lewinsky."
* “Remember the people your mother told you to beware of? I’m one of them.”
* "Why? Are you waiting around for the butt?"
* (To a lawyer) "I hope you're not singling me out. You get paid good money to torment people." [Also works with doctors and dentists.]
* (To anyone reeking of cologne) "Sure, if you'll wash off that disgusting fragrance this cigar won’t be necessary to mask that terrible odor."
* (To an indignant young female) "I like a filly with spirit."
* (To a feminist) "You've got the wrong guy. I'm neither your father nor all men."
* (In a noisy bar) Point to your watch and shout out the time.
* "I'd like to, but my greatest pleasure is pissing off people who make it their life’s mission to mind everyone else’s business."
* (At a nice restaurant) [loudly] "Hey! If you don't have any money, you should have thought of that before you ordered!"
* (Anywhere in public) [loudly] "Go peddle your child pornography somewhere else!"
* (Anywhere in public) [loudly] "No, I won't sign your petition to pardon Nazi war criminals!"
* (To a female) [loudly] "Last night at the motel you said you liked my cigar!"
* (To an older female) “My dermatologist said that smoking cigars eliminates wrinkles. You really should try it.”
* “What would it take for me to put it out? Killing yourself would be a good start."
* (The hand-out card approach) [Hand the jerk a card which reads:] "You have just made the mistake of insulting a mentally unstable person who is prone to senseless acts of violence?"
* "Any other last requests?"
:sign: :sign:
Which would you use? Anyone run into jack-booted anti-cigar health goons?
I've never had any problems with the "Smoke Police". The restaurants, bars, clubs, etc.... down here in eastern North Carolina are very cigar friendly. :thumbs:
