Thanks, guys!
Starting off the day with a can of Sparks, in addition to all the things that are wrong with that anyway (drinking first thing in the morning, drinking Sparks at any time of the day, etc.), would probably lead to the loss of my assistantship, as I'm scheduled to work in the undergraduate advising office from 9-1 today. After that, I'm going to try to squeeze in a smoke when I get home if our weather hasn't gone sour by then--we're supposed to be on the lookout for torrential downpours, 50-70 MPH winds, hail, and isolated tornadoes later this afternoon and early evening...