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King for the holidays contest

moki

moki

el Presidente
Joined
Dec 16, 2003
Messages
9,415
The contest:

Post an xMas holiday-themed joked that makes me laugh. The best joke, judged solely by my highly biased opinion, will be declared the winner. It can be a picture as well as a typed joke.

The prize:

A sealed box of Fuente King Bs.

The rules:

1. This contest is open to everyone except Mindflux. Anyone registered after the date-stamp of this post is also not eligible to enter.

2. I am the sole judge of what joke I find funny or unfunny.

3. Whining gets you disqualified.

4. The contest ends at 11:59pm EST on xMas eve, 2005.

5. Post as many jokes/pictures as you like.

GO!
 
Flight Test For Santa


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas
when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all
the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his
paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the
reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He
painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations
for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and
checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."




[Thanks to Jim Poway]
 
Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?


Thanks for the generous contest!
 
Ok this one is a bit old but funny.

Barbie's Christmas List! :eek:)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2005

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2005:


Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
 
It is slow today so I have a bit of time to goof off here is another.

The Twelve Days After Christmas


The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"

(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"



Thanks to Steve & Cindy
 
Hmmm... probably get banned for this! :laugh:
------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were sleeping when the woman woke the man-

"I had the most incredible dream... I was dreaming of a Christmas tree, only the ornamants were penises - there were big ones, small ones, and ones of all shapes, sizes and colors"

"Was mine on the top, as the star of the tree?" The husband asked.

"Nope... it was somewhere in the back, out of view" she replied.

"Bah! Go back to sleep"

So they're sleeping again and this time the man wakes up the wife -

"I too was dreaming, and it was also about a Christmas tree, only mine was decortated with vaginas. They were all up and down the tree, every style imaginable!"

"Was mine on the top, as the star of the tree?" she asked him

"Nope" was his reply- "It was holding up the damn tree"
 
Deleted due to a technical problem with the video....... :(

I did email it to you directly Andrew to your AmbrosiaSW.com address from my hotmail address. Maybe you can figure out how to post it to this thread so others can get a Christmas chuckle as well....... :) :thumbs: :cool:
 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.


In addition, please also accept my best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wishers.


This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).


Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it.


This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
 
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade to the ground. Then twisting his thorax with insectile precision he grabbed aholt of the next blade.

In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance horizontally ass he did vertically, which amused and delighted me.

Then, all at once, I had what is called an epiphany, a momment of crystal clear enlightenment.

Yes, hunched over that ant, on my hands and knees I realized......

I gotta quit drinking before noon. :p
 
an honest politician, a kind lawyer, and santa were walking down the street when they spotted a twenty $ bill. who picked it up? santa! the other two don't exist!-----------------what goes oh! oh! oh!? santa walking backwards! ----------------------why does santa have a big sack? he only comes once a year! :p
 
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
 
Hope you like it:

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's." :laugh:

Merry xmas - and thanks for the nice contest
 
ok - one more

You Need to Join the Lord's Army


Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.' :laugh:
 
elf.gif
 
Not a joke but it should make you smile.

Sorry for the link but the forum wouldn't keep the spacing right.

12 Days
 
Top Ten Signs Santa Is Mad At You

10. "Got you Knicks season tickets"

9. "Pounds glass of milk and then your wife"

8. "Rudolph left you a gift on your roof"

7. "Your only gifts this year: Bits of old food he found on his beard"

6. "Instead of 'Merry Christmas', he tells you, "suck it'"

5. "Someone had 'keyed' the side of your car with a candy cane"

4. "He see you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake, and posts photos online of you in the tub"

3. "He sends his drunk brother Ronnie Kringle"

2. "You're the idiot who told the New York transit workers to go on strike"

1. "Instead of 'naughty' or 'nice', you're listed as 'asshole'"
 
de ebonics Crimmus Pome


Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
And all ower da hood
ereybody wuz sleeping
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That old Santa Clause
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo'
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats.

Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name.

On Leroy, on Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see.

As he landed dat watta'mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knwed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself
Shit! He done dis befoe."

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
to wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents
Jus started stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns
Even got my burglars's kit.

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da windo he flewed
I woudda' tried to catched him
But he stoled my 'nife too.

He jumped on dat wadda'mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ant' werf a shit!!!
 
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