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King for the holidays contest

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.


9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.


10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
 
 
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?

Olive ?

Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

:p
 
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.

Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the snot out of you!' "
 
There was this bulletin board; we'll call 'Cookies Please'.

One of the guys on the board, 'ijustlovecookies', has a contest to give away some ... cookies, yea cookies.

'Ijustlovecookies’ states the contest rules and the contest begins.

A guy, we'll call 'Idontthinkhegetsit', enters the contest.

The contest ends and 'ijustlovecookies' states that a few guys didn't follow the rules and are disqualified. Then he proceeds to list several winners.

'Idontthinkhegetsit' starts complaining about the rules and the folks on the 'cookie' board.

A small flame war breaks out.

'Idontthinkhegetsit' just won't shut up about this incident and admit he can't:
1 - read
2 - understand rules
3 - comprehend English
4 - get it

'Idontthinkhegetsit' lives up to his name.

Santa puts 'Idontthinkhegetsit' on the naughty list.

The End.
 
Fruticake recipe

1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
 
This only works if you watch the show... and if you do, the image alone of this episode should have you rolling.

Quote #1:
Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.

Brian: All? Peter, only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.

Peter: No, the rest were from the family. Weren't they? (Pauses.) Oh crap...since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

Brian: They had a meeting about it last night.

Peter: Why wasn't I told?

Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter" on it so you must of thought it was from you, so you didn't...you know, its just easier to call you stupid.


Quote #2:
Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?

Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air contitioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.

Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
 
santa_poop.jpg
 
'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....
 
Joke #3

Little Johnny has a swearing problem and his father has had enough, so he decides to go to a shrink to solve the problem.
The father asks the shrink, "My son has a problem with foul language. Can you suggest anything?"

The shrink replies, "Well Christmas is coming up, so I say leave a pile of dog poop instead of what he really wants."

So the father gets home and Johnny says to him, "When I wake up on Christmas, I want to wake up to a goddamn teddy bear. When I go downstairs, I want to see a goddamn train circling the goddamn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a goddamn bicycle leaning against the goddamn garage."

Christmas morning arrives, and Johnny wakes up and rolls over a pile of dog poop. Confused, he goes downstairs and sees a big pile of dog poop under the tree. He then goes to look outside and sees another pile of dog poop next to the garage.

The father goes downstairs and asks, "So, what'd Santa leave you?"

Johnny responds, "I think I got a goddamn dog but I can't find the SOB!"
 
Joke #2:

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A. They were originally made for children - but the father always gets to play with them.
 
Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "
 
Letter From Santa


Dear ___________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of
Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve
Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten
Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight
Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for
doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle
Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird
shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of
my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and
some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa
 
Bubba Claus Is Coming To Town


A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.




However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:



1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.




3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."



5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.




7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.



9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
 
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