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King for the holidays contest
- Thread starter moki
- Start date
NorCalCigarLover
The Wine Guy
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2004
- Messages
- 5,895
PuroEsq
The Member Formerly Known as "JAEwing"
- Joined
- May 17, 2005
- Messages
- 1,753
Here are my entries.
First an image:
Bad Santa
Now in homage to my profession ... A Lawyer's version of a Night Before Christmas:
Whereas, on or about the night immediately prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of residential real property (hereinafter referred to as the "House"), a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., were affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter referred to as "Claus") would arrive sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in the their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plumbs, did dance, cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "Mama"), and said Mama, had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice of warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenance to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of said disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter referred to as the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the atmosphere by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of said Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and navigational aid (including, but not limited to, latitude, longitude, and angle of descent), to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter referred to as the "Deer"). (Upon additional information, it is further asserted that an additional animal co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may or may not have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer, intentionally and wilfully trespass upon the roofs of several residential dwellings located adjacent to, and in the vicinity of, the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either expressed or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney and with flagrant disregard for the personal safety and privacy rights of the individuals residing therein.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe, in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations,
Claus did not speak, but immediatly began to fill the aforementioned stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys, and/or other small presents. (Said presents did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisons of the U.S. Tax Codes.)
Upon completion of said task, Claus touched the side of his nose and, through an unknown force or forces of witchcraft and/or sorcery, and in obvious defiance of gravitational forces, flew, rose, and/or ascended the chimney of the House of the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus assumed control of the Vehcile, whistled to the Deer, and immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of said Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from the roof of said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim "Happy Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!!!"
...Or Words To That Effect.
First an image:
Bad Santa
Now in homage to my profession ... A Lawyer's version of a Night Before Christmas:
Whereas, on or about the night immediately prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of residential real property (hereinafter referred to as the "House"), a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., were affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter referred to as "Claus") would arrive sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in the their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plumbs, did dance, cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "Mama"), and said Mama, had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice of warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenance to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of said disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter referred to as the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the atmosphere by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of said Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and navigational aid (including, but not limited to, latitude, longitude, and angle of descent), to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter referred to as the "Deer"). (Upon additional information, it is further asserted that an additional animal co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may or may not have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer, intentionally and wilfully trespass upon the roofs of several residential dwellings located adjacent to, and in the vicinity of, the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either expressed or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney and with flagrant disregard for the personal safety and privacy rights of the individuals residing therein.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe, in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations,
Claus did not speak, but immediatly began to fill the aforementioned stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys, and/or other small presents. (Said presents did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisons of the U.S. Tax Codes.)
Upon completion of said task, Claus touched the side of his nose and, through an unknown force or forces of witchcraft and/or sorcery, and in obvious defiance of gravitational forces, flew, rose, and/or ascended the chimney of the House of the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus assumed control of the Vehcile, whistled to the Deer, and immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of said Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from the roof of said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim "Happy Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!!!"
...Or Words To That Effect.
kiltedcraftsman
Member
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2004
- Messages
- 933
Thanks for the contest!
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
half full monty
Member
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2004
- Messages
- 654
Two noobs went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one noob turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
bchem
Member
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2005
- Messages
- 916
marcsheldon
CP's official Architect
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2004
- Messages
- 1,303
Santa's reindeer have just landed on a roof on Christmas Eve. Just then someone yells from a house, 'look its Santa and his 8 reindeer' from another house someone yells 'Santa and his 13 reindeer!!' then from a third house someone yells 'Hey look 21 reindeer' and then Donner says 'You can always tell when we're in Florida.'
