-
Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
Click here to visit! here...
Morning Chuckle
- Thread starter gtadroptop
- Start date
Devil Doc
When Death smiles, Corpsmen smile back
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2005
- Messages
- 11,594
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is darn near perfect.'
Doc.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is darn near perfect.'
Doc.
sonuvabum
Boobies...'cause I likes 'em
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2007
- Messages
- 1,799
...and he never heard the gunshot.
CigarAl
Member
- Joined
- Sep 2, 2005
- Messages
- 623
My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
CigarMan Andy
Traveling Herf Man
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2008
- Messages
- 1,833
A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for some.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Isreal, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistake twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self - preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit here.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for some.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Isreal, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistake twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self - preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit here.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
CigarMan Andy
Traveling Herf Man
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2008
- Messages
- 1,833
An oldie but goody.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. :whistling:
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! :thumbs:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. :whistling:
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! :thumbs:
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's program to employ inner city youth.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the inner city were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's program to employ inner city youth.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the inner city were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as i usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to the me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "THE TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on thr screen and mine is in the car!"
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to the me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "THE TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on thr screen and mine is in the car!"
Two lesbians are drinking in a bar and a nice chick waves from across the bar.
The first lesbian sees her and says, "Look at her, i'd love to have those legs spread open on my bed."
The second lesbian replies," Watch out, i hear she's hung like a doughnut."
The first lesbian sees her and says, "Look at her, i'd love to have those legs spread open on my bed."
The second lesbian replies," Watch out, i hear she's hung like a doughnut."
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
Husband: "Promise me that when I die, I'll be buried at sea.
Wife: "Why would you want that?"
Husband: "Because your mother vowed to dance on my grave."
Wife: "Why would you want that?"
Husband: "Because your mother vowed to dance on my grave."
Martimus00
New Member
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2008
- Messages
- 89
Did you hear the one about the cannibal that was late for the dinner partY?
He got the cold shoulder! :laugh:
He got the cold shoulder! :laugh:
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend that would complain about splinters while having sex.
Pinocchio thought about it and decided to to go talk to Geppeto, his maker.
Geppeto suggested that a little bit of fine sandpaper would be appropriate for those intimate moments.
A couple of weeks went by and Geppeto saw Pinocchio merrily skipping and singing going through the main street of town, and decided to ask him how his girlfriend was doing.
Pinocchio just smiled and said, " Girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend?"
Pinocchio thought about it and decided to to go talk to Geppeto, his maker.
Geppeto suggested that a little bit of fine sandpaper would be appropriate for those intimate moments.
A couple of weeks went by and Geppeto saw Pinocchio merrily skipping and singing going through the main street of town, and decided to ask him how his girlfriend was doing.
Pinocchio just smiled and said, " Girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend?"
CigarMan Andy
Traveling Herf Man
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2008
- Messages
- 1,833
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm
gonna divorce my wife. She
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm
gonna divorce my wife. She
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
An Englishman, Australian and an Irishman walked into a pub and they all ordered a Guinness. The bartender served the three mugs when a fly landed onto each mug.
The Englishman made a face and pushed the mug away.
The Australian reached into the brew and pick the fly out and proceeded to drink the Guinness.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his Guinness and proceeded to squeeze the fly shouting, "Give it back damn it, give it back!"
The Englishman made a face and pushed the mug away.
The Australian reached into the brew and pick the fly out and proceeded to drink the Guinness.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his Guinness and proceeded to squeeze the fly shouting, "Give it back damn it, give it back!"
CigarStone
For once, knowledge is making me poor!
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2007
- Messages
- 11,052
A Brown's fan dies; naturally he goes to hell.
Satan says "Welcome to hell, how do you like it here?"
The Brown's fan says "kinda like Cleveland....no big deal"
Satan turns up the heat and says "How do you like it now dumbass?"
The Brown's fan says "kinda like Cleveland in the summer....no big deal"
Satan frowns and turns off the heat, as hell starts to become colder the Brown's fan becomes very agitated and starts to cry and beg to be allowed to go back to Cleveland.
Satan says "what's wrong now"
The Brown's fan says "oh please let me go back for just a couple days........if hell is freezing over the Brown's must be in the Super Bowl!"
Satan says "Welcome to hell, how do you like it here?"
The Brown's fan says "kinda like Cleveland....no big deal"
Satan turns up the heat and says "How do you like it now dumbass?"
The Brown's fan says "kinda like Cleveland in the summer....no big deal"
Satan frowns and turns off the heat, as hell starts to become colder the Brown's fan becomes very agitated and starts to cry and beg to be allowed to go back to Cleveland.
Satan says "what's wrong now"
The Brown's fan says "oh please let me go back for just a couple days........if hell is freezing over the Brown's must be in the Super Bowl!"
Two guys who worked together were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.
The guy at the unemployment office asks the first what he did for a living.
"I'm a panty stitcher, i sew the elastic band on the panties."
The clerk looks up 'panty sticher' and sees that it is a non skilled job, so he puts him down for $300 a week.
The clerk calls the second guy and asks him what he did for a living.
The second guy replies,"I'm a diesel fitter."
The clerk looks up 'diesel fitter' and sees that it's a skilled job, so he puts him down for $600.
When the first guy finds out what the second guy gets per week, he's furious. He returns back to the office and tells the clerk," He doesn't have a skilled job, i sew on the elastic band on the panties and he tries them on and says, "diesel fitter."
The guy at the unemployment office asks the first what he did for a living.
"I'm a panty stitcher, i sew the elastic band on the panties."
The clerk looks up 'panty sticher' and sees that it is a non skilled job, so he puts him down for $300 a week.
The clerk calls the second guy and asks him what he did for a living.
The second guy replies,"I'm a diesel fitter."
The clerk looks up 'diesel fitter' and sees that it's a skilled job, so he puts him down for $600.
When the first guy finds out what the second guy gets per week, he's furious. He returns back to the office and tells the clerk," He doesn't have a skilled job, i sew on the elastic band on the panties and he tries them on and says, "diesel fitter."
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
In the weeks that followed , an archaeologist in California dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Pennsylvania , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Juniata River , in Lewistown , PA. , Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Slippery Rock University , reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless."
In the weeks that followed , an archaeologist in California dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Pennsylvania , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Juniata River , in Lewistown , PA. , Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Slippery Rock University , reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless."
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
____
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
____