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Morning Chuckle

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed out Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were getting ready to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heavens knows where. More stress.
Then when he begin to load one of the boards cracked , and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and broke it into a hundred little pieces all over the floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irratible Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there stood a little Angel with a great Christmas tree.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


Thus began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
 
one of my friends just sent me this one --
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
Click to expand...
 
ngetal said:
one of my friends just sent me this one --
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
Click to expand...
Click to expand...


:laugh:

Good one! :thumbs:
 
Facts about the human body.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support six pounds.

The average man's penis is three times the size of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as fast as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balances itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you can not taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still checking their thumbs.
 
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
 
gtadroptop said:
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
Click to expand...
I really liked this one, :laugh:
 
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You
want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
 
Difference between men and women.....

1. NAMES - If Sue, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out to lunch they will call each other Sue, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Chris, Eric, Mark and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bitchitis, Butt-Head and Boner.

2. Eating out - When the bill arrives, Eric, Mark, Tom and Chris will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get the bill, out come the calculators.

3. Money - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will oay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. Bathrooms - A man has five items in his bathroom: a tooth brush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical women's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. Arguements - A woman has the last word in any arguement.
Anything a man says after that....is the start of another arguement.

6. Cats - Women like cats.
Men say they like cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. Future - A women worries about the future, until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. Success - A successful man is one who make more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. Marriage - A woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he never does.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

10. Dressing up - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the flowers, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.Natural - Men wake up as good - looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. Offsprings - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about about dentist appointments, and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people in the house.

13. Thought for the day - Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.' So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?' 'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the dorm room, kicked back in the bed, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?' '

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot him before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and congressman.
 
A news story reported that a man had been caught passing bad checks.The police took him to the downtown station to book him.

While the policemen were occupied with the paperwork, the guy took the check off the desk and swallowed it very easily.

The police waited until the check went through him and charged him with passing a bad check twice.
 
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank youand commend you, but to grant you anything you may wish."
"Dear Heavenly Father, i am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what i love. I lack for nothing material since the church supports me. I am content in all ways."
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well there is one thing" she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there must be something i could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," she said.
"Name it, please" said God.
"It's the M&M'S," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you are out of your office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer,"and then i send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 
Common Tools Defined:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, denting the freshly-painted car part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh #@vx..."


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."

Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"
 
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."
 
I went to see my doctor recently and told him i have a ringing in my ears.
The doctor's response "Don't answer it."
 
An old woman and man were sleeping in bed when the old woman bolts upright in bed waking up her husband.
"I just had a dream, it was Christmas! The tree was decorated with Penis's"
The old man listens intently wondering where this is going.
"There were big ones, little ones, hard ones, soft ones, circumcised, and uncircumcised. On top of the tree, was the perfect penis."

"Oh yea!" Says the old man. "Was that my Penis?"

"No! Yours was hidden behind one of those little lights!"


Without blinking, the old man says................."Well, I had a dream too!"
"It was Christmas, and the tree was decorated with vagina's."
"There were big ones, little ones, hairy ones, and shaved ones." On the top of the tree, was the perfect vagina."

With wide eyes, the old woman ask. "Was that my vagina?"

"Hell no! "They were using yours for the tree stand!"
 
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year and then only down the chimney.
 
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