Martin2D
Clueless About Life
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- Feb 19, 2007
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- 1,288
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Photoshop Contest!
- Thread starter bilder
- Start date
Swissy
Livin' the retired life!
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2005
- Messages
- 4,610
as if I DIDN"T know this was gonna happen? :laugh: What the hell... there's enough out there of me, I'm suprised no one has done this sooner. Plus all the photos in the gallery here on 'The Pass' people are posting... it takes just a short cruise thru there to really find some good ones to chop up! :whistling:
Naw... just one of my favorite movies, Patton.but just to show I'm a good sport...
Delusions of grandeur Swissy?
LilBastage
Meat is murder! Tasty, tasty murder.
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2005
- Messages
- 5,461
With apologies, Jim...(and borrowing form Moki a bit)
BailBonds
New Member
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2007
- Messages
- 141
NOT SAFE TO READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE>>>WARNING>>>>NOT SAFE FOR ANYWHERE!
As many times as I have posted a picture of "Photochopped Swissy".....well it just doesn't seem just to leave out the tutorial I found that he wrote on excersizing your tongue. Weird huh? I thought so too... but as you will soon read, it has the spirit of Swissy encoded throughout. It's even signed SWISSY.... so without a doubt it MUST be his work! This contest has, in my opinion become sort of a ROAST...and keeping that theme, I have posted his female pleaser excersize tutorial..
Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.
Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You'll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.
Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.
Get Licking!
Now that your tongue is in shape it's time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, "Salmon is like $12 a pound, can't I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?" When it comes to training for licking labia, you can't skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.
Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don't have to perform this task with a real vagina.
Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia.
Lets talk technique. Emily Dickenson once wrote that "a good lover’s hands never stop moving." She meant moving on the woman's body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you're prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or her Caesarian scar).
The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that's the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that's the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that's the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try "Hello" as an opener too, if she isn't already spread eagle on the bed.
Bad Ideas
The Fidel
Placing your chin in her bush and yelling, "Conyo! You dirty imperialist Americans are a demanding bunch!" is some funny shit. While most women admire a man with a sense of humor this is neither the time nor the place. Well, it is the place but it's not the time. Save this move for the post-coital wrap-up.
The Rabbi
Place that yarmukle you got at your accountant's wedding on her bush. Make an ambulance noise as you dive in, crying "I'll save you Rabbi Schwartz!"
Making Farting Noises
Every man gets the urge to stick your face right in there and go "PPPPPTTTTPPPPT!!!" I mean you just know its gonna sound great. Resist this urge. It's not going to help you attain your objective. Worse, she may think that she just farted in your face which will either embarass her or be her dream come true.
Bon Appétit!
There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say "What a value!," or "Pass the mustard!" or "A pickle would go great with this!" Consider a generous tip - don't just automatically leave 15%.
---Taken from the diary of Swissy..........
As many times as I have posted a picture of "Photochopped Swissy".....well it just doesn't seem just to leave out the tutorial I found that he wrote on excersizing your tongue. Weird huh? I thought so too... but as you will soon read, it has the spirit of Swissy encoded throughout. It's even signed SWISSY.... so without a doubt it MUST be his work! This contest has, in my opinion become sort of a ROAST...and keeping that theme, I have posted his female pleaser excersize tutorial..
Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.
Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You'll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.
Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.
Get Licking!
Now that your tongue is in shape it's time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, "Salmon is like $12 a pound, can't I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?" When it comes to training for licking labia, you can't skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.
Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don't have to perform this task with a real vagina.
Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia.
Lets talk technique. Emily Dickenson once wrote that "a good lover’s hands never stop moving." She meant moving on the woman's body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you're prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or her Caesarian scar).
The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that's the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that's the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that's the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try "Hello" as an opener too, if she isn't already spread eagle on the bed.
Bad Ideas
The Fidel
Placing your chin in her bush and yelling, "Conyo! You dirty imperialist Americans are a demanding bunch!" is some funny shit. While most women admire a man with a sense of humor this is neither the time nor the place. Well, it is the place but it's not the time. Save this move for the post-coital wrap-up.
The Rabbi
Place that yarmukle you got at your accountant's wedding on her bush. Make an ambulance noise as you dive in, crying "I'll save you Rabbi Schwartz!"
Making Farting Noises
Every man gets the urge to stick your face right in there and go "PPPPPTTTTPPPPT!!!" I mean you just know its gonna sound great. Resist this urge. It's not going to help you attain your objective. Worse, she may think that she just farted in your face which will either embarass her or be her dream come true.
Bon Appétit!
There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say "What a value!," or "Pass the mustard!" or "A pickle would go great with this!" Consider a generous tip - don't just automatically leave 15%.
---Taken from the diary of Swissy..........
Saxjazzman
Active Member
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Messages
- 2,505
ed: My first picture post. Not very good but used what was suggested above...Paint.net. Thanks for the info on the download. :thumbs:
davidr2340
Craft Beer Lover...
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 2,665
:laugh:
Awesome job fellas!!!
Again... Let's get this sucker PINNED to the top!!! :thumbs:
Awesome job fellas!!!
Again... Let's get this sucker PINNED to the top!!! :thumbs:
Saxjazzman
Active Member
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Messages
- 2,505
Another try...
KeyserSoze
New Member
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2006
- Messages
- 1,654
:laugh:
That....is....awesome! Thanks for the laugh guys and nice contest B. Good luck picking a winner.
preembargo
Sleeping not so peacefully
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2005
- Messages
- 2,686
Ok, I know the contest is over but I couldn't resist. This is my first attempt with photoshop.
Brickhouse
J.C. Newman owes me royalties.
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2006
- Messages
- 10,164
Ok, I know the contest is over but I couldn't resist. This is my first attempt with photoshop.
Looks better than the orignial, ROFL
opusXmarco
Cigar Posse Member
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2001
- Messages
- 900
:laugh:
That....is....awesome! Thanks for the laugh guys and nice contest B. Good luck picking a winner.
Here's my vote...Funny as shit.
Michal
Turquoise Hexagon Sun
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2006
- Messages
- 1,908
Since when shit is funny?
:laugh:
That....is....awesome! Thanks for the laugh guys and nice contest B. Good luck picking a winner.
Here's my vote...Funny as shit.
:sign:
AngryFishH
Official Big Fish
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2006
- Messages
- 1,306
So who won?
PS - Shit it always funny.
Fish
PS - Shit it always funny.
Fish
gandolf565
CP Wizard. Watch as I make this cigar disappear!
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2005
- Messages
- 985
You've never seen Dumb and Dumber?
Now that was some funny shit!
To keep this on topic, Jim the Pervert gets my vote!
preembargo
Sleeping not so peacefully
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2005
- Messages
- 2,686
Personally, I find that one to be very disturbing. There's nothing funny about rape.