THE ASSASSIN

TexasTraveler

I'm kind of a big deal
Joined
Mar 12, 2020
Messages
1,334
Ok, so I made reference to my cat in my Ranch Dressing story and a few of you have inquired about him and asked about how he got the nickname THE ASSASSIN. Sorry for the long read, but if I am going to tell the story, I have to tell it in its entirety. Enjoy

It’s 4am and I am sound asleep in my bed. I’m woken by my wife’s nudges, I am still coming out of my sleep when I hear her say “Aaron something is in the house”. Of course that jolts me from my sleep as I burst out of bed and grab my pistol which is on the night stand beside me. I stand there in the dark waiting to hear anything or for someone to walk through the doorway and well you know what would have to happen next. Then all of the sudden I hear a voice from another room. Its Mr. Mister my cat, he goes through stages of being very nocturnal and when he does this, it usually means that we are going to have some gifts from him waiting when we wake up. We have had everything from all types of birds, squirrels, rabbits, snakes and even a baby possum. So back to the story, so after waking up a bit standing there I come to my senses and realize no one is in the house, impossible without breaking down a door or busting out a window, I decided to go investigate. Wife sitting up in bed, clutching onto the sheets, I make my way out of the room. I turn the corner in the hallway and I can see down the hall in-between the living room and dining room sits Mr. I can tell by the way he is sitting that he has something, so I am preparing myself for a cleanup on isle 7, I just need to know how big the mess is. So as I walk towards him I say dude its 4am what do you have? Like he understood every word I said, he raises up off of his prize as to say here you go dad, you’re welcome. Holy mother of God, the gates of HELL open up and the Demon that lives there has been brought into the house by my cat. It’s a fucking bat and no it is not dead. This thing immediately takes off as soon as Mr lets pressure off of him. It’s swooping around I am yelling like a little bitch, @Tall Paul knows how this works, just kidding buddy, running, ducking, retreating back into the hallway and bedroom, in nothing but my underwear, holding a pistol. The wife is yelling from the other room, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT? You can image the shit show and what it must have looked like, if someone would have been looking through the windows, LOL. It was utter chaos!!! So after running back into the bedroom and jumping back on the bed, I tell my wife there’s a fucking vampire bat flying around the house!!! So we are sitting there collecting our thoughts and my wife says, what are you going to do? My response to her was, what are you going to do? Fuck I don’t know… About that time we hear a thump that I can tell is Mr jumping up onto a bar chair in the kitchen, no doubt he is chasing this fucking beast from the underworld. So I decide that I have to do something, so I grab a pillow to use as a shield and I run past the kitchen opening to the laundry to grab a broom. So now that I am fitting with my weapons of choice, a broom for a sword and a pillow for a shield, I am ready to go into combat. I enter the living room and this thing is going crazy, flying in circles swooping all over the place. Imagine the squirrel scene from Nationals Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and you will understand the stupidity of what is going on at this point, again at 4am. The bat is circling all over the place in the living room, dining room and kitchen, I have opened the back door hoping it will fly out the door, no luck. It eventually goes through an opening that leads to a two story entry way. Now I figure I’m screwed, because there is no way I am going to be able to catch this thing up there. I run up the stairs and as I am deciding my next move the motherfucker makes a B-line right towards me, so I do what anyone would do when a bat is flying right at them to take a bite at them, I flop to the ground throwing my pillow and broom at it and start bear crawling to a nearby door opening to an upstairs room. All of the time I can hear my wife screaming, What's going on? Are you o.k.? me: "NO, I am being chased by fucking Dracula up here" So I am sitting there and thinking I am going to have to call some kind of pest control service to get this Demon out of my house. About that time it fly’s right into a game room at the top of the stairs, so I make my move and run to the double doors to the game room and slam them shut. By sheer dumb luck, I at least have it trapped in a room. The game room is one of those rooms that has a double glass pane door entry, so standing on the outside of the room you can see into the room. I am debating do I get suited up? Do I enter the room and try and kill this thing? Maybe open a window and see if it will fly out? All of this things racing through my head I look down and there is Mr sitting at my feet, almost like he is getting enjoyment out of all this and laughing at his dumbass dad run around in his underwear at 4 in the morning chasing a bat with a pillow and a broom stick. I say to MR, you know what this is your fault, you take care of it. I pick Mr up, crack the door to the game room and throw him in. As soon as Mr’s feet hit the floor, he immediately went into a crouch stance and started crawling slowly towards the center of the room I knew instantly that I was about to watch something that normally you only get to see watching animal planet. The bat is making circles, swooping around the room, occasionally making dips downward towards the floor before coming back up to ceiling height, Mr gets even lower, I didn’t even think he could make himself look that small (He is a good size cat). All of the sudden the bat makes a dip downward and Mr jumps about 6’ up, snatches the bat out of thin air, comes down to the ground and with a quick torque of his head I hear a snap! Lights out!!! Cue the upper room music… It’s over as quick as it began, I open the door because I knew the bat was dead, and all I hear in this soft sweat voice, a single “meow” from Mr. I was like really dude, you could have done that an hour ago... When I first told this story to a bunch of buddies of mine, we were all cracking up and joking about Mr and how he kills anything that moves, one of my buddies said Mr is an Assassin. From that point forward Mr.’s nickname became “The Assassin

I have included a pic of the Demon after Mr was finished playing his joke on me...
Brad.jpg
OH Wait!!! That's just @Thoughts dressed up for his Werewolf of London the Musical auditions...
Here is the actual bat...
BAT.jpg
And of course "THE ASSASSIN" only pic I had at work
Mr. Mister THE ASSASSIN.jpg
 
Last edited:

CigarStone

For once, knowledge is making me poor!
Joined
Mar 7, 2007
Messages
4,469
I really enjoyed how you and Mr. worked as a team. Solid communication, no wasted effort.....except by you, strategic planning.....except by you, and an effective/coordinated execution!

I have never been a cat person but I think I would like to meet the Assassin!
 

CgarDan

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 18, 2006
Messages
2,429
Lessons learned:

1) Texas has vampire bats 🦇
2) Assassin is one cool cat
3) Texas has vampire bats 🦇

😉
 

smellysell

Go Vols!!!
Joined
Jan 9, 2007
Messages
6,642
Not a car person at all, but we have a couple assassins too, it's so nice living in the boonies and NOT having to deal with mice, they were everywhere when we first built the house.
 

jfields

Where did all my money go?
Joined
Jan 25, 2007
Messages
13,113
Cool cat and funny story Aaron!
I have no idea about cats and rabies, but around these parts, I would be making damn sure my dogs rabies shots were up to date after that event. Bats are notorious carriers.
 
Top