Good afternoon. The Newbies of CigarPass.com have begun strikes against FOG camps and installations. These carefully targeted actions are designed to disrupt the false tranquility of the current FOG regime.
We are joined in this operation by our staunch friend, Great Britain. Other close friends, including Canada, Australia, Germany and France (though we don't expect much from France), have pledged forces as the operation unfolds. Many more have shared intelligence. We are supported by the collective will of the world.
Initially, the FOG’s may burrow deeper into caves and other entrenched hiding places. Our military action is also designed to clear the way for sustained, comprehensive and relentless operations to drive them out and bring them to pleasurable smokes.
At the same time, as we strike military targets, we'll also drop “blendered food, depends, prune juice, Lawrence Welk reruns, drool cups, afghan’s, and pictures of their of themselves so that the enemy might remember who they are in the morning.”
This military action is a part of our campaign against empty humidors, another front in a war that has already been joined through diplomacy, intelligence, the plundering of coolerdor assets of known FOG’s in all 50 States. Given the nature and reach of our enemies, we will win this conflict by the patient accumulation of successes, by meeting a series of challenges with determination and will and purpose.
Today we focus on FOG’s, but the battle is broader. Every Cigar Pass member has a choice to make. In this conflict, there is no neutral ground. If any member sponsors the outlaws and killers of innocent Cohiba’s, they have become outlaws themselves. And they will take that lonely path at their own peril.
I'm speaking to you today from the Treaty Room of My Porch, a place where Naive Newbies have worked for peace. We're a peaceful coalition. Yet, as we have learned, so suddenly and so tragically, there can be no peace in a world of sudden cigar mailings. In the face of today's new threat, the only way to pursue peace is to pursue those who threaten it.
We did not ask for this mission (well, maybe we did), but we will fulfill it. The name of today's Newbie Corps operation is Enduring Smoke. We defend not only our precious freedoms, but also the freedom of people everywhere to live and smoke their favorite vitola’s free from fear.
I know many Newbies feel fear today. And our coalition is taking strong precautions. All board moderators and intelligence agencies are working aggressively around Cigar Pass, around the world and around the clock. We have called up Reserves to reinforce our Newbie Corps’ capability and strengthen the protection of our homeland.
In the months ahead, our patience will be one of our strengths -- patience with the long waits that will result from tighter security; patience and understanding that it will take time to achieve our goals; patience in all the sacrifices that may come.
Today, those sacrifices are being made by members of our Newbie Corps who now defend us so far from home, and by their proud and worried families. A Newbie-in-Chief sends America's sons and daughters into a battle in a treacherous land only after the greatest care and a lot of prayer. We ask a lot of those who wear our uniform. We ask them to leave their loved ones, to mail cigars over great distances, to risk excessive postal fees, even to be prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice of their own cigars. They are dedicated, they are honorable; they represent the best of our country. And we are grateful.
To all the men and women in our Newbie Corps - I say this: Your mission is defined; your objectives are clear; your goal is just. Let us be men and women of character, and honor. Let our actions be righteous and we will have every tool we need to carry out our duty.
The battle is now joined on many fronts. We will not waver; we will not tire; we will not falter; and we will not fail. Peace and freedom will prevail.
Thank you. May God continue to bless America